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Winter Turns into Spring - The Blog
Many of us have watched Mute R. Kelly and Leaving Neverland. These two documentaries brought up a lot of emotions for a lot of people. It is upsetting for many. They also brought up some questions. There also are a lot of accusations directed towards the victims.
1) Myth: Perpetrators of Child Sexual Abuse are mostly creepy strangers .
Fact: Abusers are well known to the child . 75% to 80% of children know their abusers. The abuser can be a father, an uncle, a sibling, a family friend, a teacher. They look "normal" and blend well into the community.
2) Myth : If there was no penetration, then it isn't sexual abuse.
Fact: Safeguarding Children policies state that sexual abuse includes penetrative and non penetrative sexual acts. Example of non penetrative: showing a child porn movies, having sex in front of a child, masturbating in front of a child. With the internet, there are more risks of children being sexually groomed by predators.
3) Myth : If a victim of CSA only discloses the abuse as an adult, they are liars. They want money or attention.
Fact: Sometimes a child will completely forget about the abuse until much later in life (We call this dissociation) Some children are told it is love and believe it is. Sometimes, the child discloses the abuse but s/he isn't believed. Some might even deny the abuse thinking they are protecting the abuser or their family. Why would they want to protect the abuser? If it is a parent, a child will still love and care for them. They are also told to not say anything; "It is our secret." or they are being threatened: "If you tell anyone, I will die/ We will go to prison. or"If you say anything, I will hurt your Sister. " Now we can understand why the child would want to deny the abuse.
4) Myth : Perpetrators are only men.
Fact: Perpetrators are mostly men but, there are women who sexually abuse children.
5) Myth: Only girls are sexually abused
Fact: Boys are also abused by sport coaches, priests, teachers and family members.
6) Myth: If the abuse kept happening, it must mean that the child wanted it, and enjoyed it.
Fact: Children (especially the youngest) don't have the capacity to understand what is happening. Sometimes, it is the only attention they get and are told it is love. If they experienced pleasure it is because their body responded, as a body does respond to touch.
7) Myth: When a child is sexually abused, it brings shame to the family.
Fact: The shame only belongs to the abuser. The Safeguarding Children policies clearly state that it is our duty to report abuse and to keep the child safe.
8) Myth: The non abusive parent or family members must have known and did nothing about it.
Fact: As mentioned above, perpetrators look and appear "normal" They very often manipulate and lie to their victims, to their partners, to their family and to their community. This process is called " grooming" . There are instances where the abuse was known by the family and the other partner and, yes, they might have been in denial. Denial is an automatic response to shock. We must not jump to conclusions: each story and each family is different.
Copyright - Sylvie Rouhani - 2019 All Rights Reserved.
* How safe are our children? The most comprehensive overview of child protection in the UK 2018 London. NSPCC , page 29 to 31
http://www.mosac.org.uk/
Also, from Winter Turns Into Spring, read:
Incest: When Sexual Abuse Happens at Home
What is it Life Coaching? What isn't Life Coaching?
It is a
partnership between a Life Coach and a client.
The coach facilitates a safe space and creates a positive rapport in order for the client to identify the inner blocks to their goals, hindering their happiness. Life Coaching helps the client to identify their own goals, to find their own solutions and achieve personal growth and transformation.
Life Coaching isn’t therapy. Although we acknowledge most inner blocks have their roots in the client’s past, we don’t dwell deep on it (this is best done in a therapeutic setting), but, with the client’s permission, we can explore how the "Then and There" affects the "Here and Now", and how the client can move forward, with Self-Compassion.
If I feel a client could benefit from ongoing therapy, I will advise they do so.
My approach is trauma informed. What is trauma? What does "Trauma Informed" means and how does it fit in with Life Coaching?
Trauma is the impact any significant event that has a lasting adverse effect on an individual’s happiness and well-being. The earlier and the longer lasting the stressful event in an individual’s life, the deeper the debilitating effect on a person’s happiness and well-being are.
“Trauma-informed coaching happens when the coach understands what trauma is, how it presents in the coaching room and how to respond. All this, within established coaching boundaries and contracts.”
Julia Vaughan Smith –
Coaching and Trauma
I have personal and professional experience of trauma and have a real understanding of its impact on mind, body and spirit.
What is Self-Compassion?
Self-compassion is extending compassion to oneself in instances of perceived inadequacy, failure, or general suffering.
Dr Kristin Neff,
PhD, has pioneered and defines self-compassion as being composed of three main components –
mindfulness, common humanity, and self-kindness.
Self-compassion is facing our deepest fears, outdated self-beliefs and our perceived inadequacies with loving kindness towards oneself, by learning to take the time to acknowledge when we are hurting (Mindfulness) , by reminding ourselves how suffering is part of the our human experience and we all experience it (to some degree), we aren’t as alone as we think we are (common Humanity ) and, finally, by taking time to sooth and to love ourselves though our pain as we would with a dear friend of ours (Self-Kindness).
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How does Self-Compassion and Trauma Informed Coaching work?
Oftentimes, our deepest fears, outdated self-beliefs and perceived inadequacies, are the very things blocking us from creating a happy, fulfilled life, and building happy relationships, tailored to our needs and aspirations.
These blocks have roots in our past, whether we are aware of this or not, and will impact our thoughts, feeling and our behaviour as well as on how we perceive ourselves and the world around us. The more severe a past trauma, such as Child Sexual Abuse, the stronger the blocks, which are survival/ defence mechanisms created in childhood in order to survive extreme violence and neglect.
They are also natural responses to abuse and neglect,
when the child really has no one to turn to.
In Coaching, there is an opportunity for the client to explore how the past has an impact on the present and focus on what the client can achieve NOW by becoming their own best friend through anything life throws at them and by having compassion for what they have been through. I will provide the space, the support and some tools (such as reading materials, meditations practice etc...), when necessary, to support clients on their journey.
The coaching process will be led by the client. It will be tailored to the client’s needs, with the client’s approval.
The coaching will be most effective if the client is willing and ready to commit
100% to their journey of self-discovery and healing. During Trauma Informed and Self- Compassion based Life Coaching sessions, the client will learn to approach their biggest blocks and find their inner resources of loving kindness and compassion towards themselves.
Contact Me
Notice Board
Zoom or Teams
For those who would prefer to have their Life Coaching sessions, remotely, I use Zoom and Microsoft Team.
Venues for face-to-face sessions
TBC
Life Coaching sessions available from January 2023
My Fees
- 30 Minutes Skype/ Zoom or phone
assessment:
FREE
-
Full price
-
£80. (8 to 10 sessions
in total.)
-Concession prices: £60 (8 to 10 sessions in total.)
If you are experiencing financial hardship, such as unemployment or long-term disability, I offer limited places on concession fees. Please, contact me to discuss.
All payments via bank transfer.
