Winter Turns into Spring - The Blog

When a new relationship starts (actually, it doesn't even need to start), we are overwhelmed with emotional flashbacks from younger "Inner Parts" desperate to be loved, protected and supported. and other parts of us will do anything to appease these emotions, triggering the most painful inner battle.

After another disastrous relationship and an even more disastrous break-up, I was left alone, hurt and terrified. I also became homeless as I was preparing to move in with this person. I was really unwell. I felt suicidal. I overdosed a few times, once enough to go to A&E. I was feeling worthless, stupid, broken and even though, this relationship was over (I terminated it) I was still hoping, wishing we would start over. At one point, I was back in touch with him, sent letters, texts. I even stopped by his house. I allowed a couple of times. There was kissing. I also looked at his new girlfriend's Facebook page, on a regular basis.

I first attended CODA (Co-dependent Anonymous) meetings. "Hi, I am Sylvie and I am Co-dependent" It was a great help. I wasn't alone anymore. I met other people who, like me, were finding difficult to build loving and healthy relationships. Then, I found "Love Addicts Anonymous" and became an online member. "Hi, I am Sylvie and I am a Love Addict." Both groups were often referring to "defects of characters." such as pleasing others, neglecting one's needs, over-controlling tendencies etc. At the time though, I was so happy to find this latest group. I truly believed I was an addict and I needed to get rid off of my "illness" I thought by focusing on the symptoms, I could cure me of these impulses. I felt so ashamed of this part of me who was ready to do anything to have someone by her side and, then, to keep this person close no matter what. I really believed that, with my love and acceptance, I could help my ex partners to heal (change) I was ashamed by this little girl in me needing too much love. I ended up hating myself and wanting to die.

What I didn't understand was that, all these beliefs and my actions were the same I used to survive a childhood empty of love and full of (sexual, emotional and physical) violence: pleasing, ready to do anything for another person,  this determination to love someone into recovery, the excuses I gave for mistreatments, were all "strategies" to be loved and cared for. As for the gnawing, desperate need of love: it was/ is the natural need of a child for the love of her mother. I was born with this desire to die: from the moment my mother learned she was pregnant, she didn't want me. She already despised my existence. Growing in her (hostile) womb, I didn't want to be here. I knew I wasn't welcomed. I then felt suicidal for most of my life. 

What is "Attachment Trauma"?  Alan Robarge, Attachment-Focused Psychotherapist and Relationship Educator writes:

"Are you repeating old hurts in new relationships? It's possible you've inherited a relationship template and operating system from childhood that's proving unreliable and outdated. Attachment injuries, despite your best intentions, are hijacking how you pick partners and manage intimacy today. This old operating system has a name. It's called insecure attachment.

 For some of us, it's better labelled attachment trauma(...)"

It is important to point out, these outdated behaviour are , as Alan Robarge puts it, hijacking our mind: we act without thinking because, in these painful moment, our "Fight" (getting angry to avoid intimacy), Flight (relationship avoidant), Freeze(Play dead until the storm passes) or Fawn (People pleasing and co-dependency) " responses take over, as they naturally  do. They automatically kick in to protect us, to keep us alive. They are coming from these inner (and younger) parts of us, whose present relationship reminds them of their parents and they work hard in keeping us alive.

Self-Compassion is key here.:

Mindfulness: noticing our feelings, our inner part's feelings and feeling them in our body.

Acceptance: instead of pushing, dismissing or minimising our feelings. It is natural to want to get rid off of the pain. It equals to dismissing our inner parts, who need our love and understanding. So we might need to give us a break if our first desire is not to feel our discomfort. It is easier when we are willing to approach our "inner family" with curiosity.

Humanity: When we are suffering, we feel deeply lonely. Reminding ourselves we are not alone going through challenges might help remember, we are not alone.

Loving Kindness: Talking to our inner parts/ ourselves as we would a dear friend of ours: "I am sorry this is such a difficult time for you. You are no longer alone: I am here. What do you need?"

Is it by accepting ourselves, with tender loving care, we will then move forward, together with our inner parts. When I feel deeply lonely, when I feel the gnawing despair for loving attachment of my inner child and inner teenager, I pause, breath in love, kindness and compassion to them. I listen to what they have to tell. I don't tell them to look on the bright side, to be positive: I hold them with tender loving care, I validate their pain. I no longer feel ashamed by the parts of me who need to be loved so much!

Of course, some days are easier then others, it is an on-going process and it varies from person to person. It takes time and patience.

Take care

Sylvie

For more information, click on the links below:

"Fight, Flight, Freeze and Fawn" - The "4 Fs" and "Flashbacks Management" by Pete Walker M.A Psychology

 Self-Compassion by Kristin Neff, PhD.

"No Bad Parts" - Internal Family System by Dr Richard Schwartz, Ph.D.