Winter Turns into Spring - The Blog

" Emptiness, fear and shame" Those three words come up a lot in his article Emotional neglect and C-PTSD . These are the core effects of emotional neglect. I've lived my entire life feeling empty, scared and ashamed of myself. Just being alive feels wrong to me, sometimes. I constantly feel bad about myself, for no apparent reasons. It makes me feel sad to notice how, until now, I've permanently lived in emotional flashback.I've always felt like this scared little girl in this dangerous world. Feeling small and child like is a sure sign we are experiencing emotional flashbacks.

" The individual needs to get that emotional flashbacks are the direct messages from her inner child self about how seriously her parents hurt and injured her." I am more and more in touch with my inner children's feelings and pain. (I identified 2 Inner Children: the small inner child and the inner teenager) They are hurting so much. WE are hurting so much. Reading this line, brought up a lot of compassion for my inner children and for myself. I can no longer be mad at them (myself) for the pain we have endured and still feel today.

" The life long process of de-minimizing the impact of childhood trauma is like peeling a very slippery and caustic onion." This reminds me of Shrek when he says ogres are like onions: they have layers! Pete Walker goes on saying that most people first deal with the physical and sexual abuse which are more obvious and more recognised as they leave marks, proves of abuse. Diving into the inner layers of damage caused by emotional neglect/ abandonment. This is a reminder that, first, recovery is a life long process. We can't rush it. WE can't let anybody rush us either. Second, although emotional abuse and neglect are less obvious, they create some deep damages that need to be addressed. And, no, we can't just get over it! Sometimes, peeling a layer off feeling like getting a full body wax: it really hurts!

" Yet, for me, and many of my clients, verbal and emotional abuse was much more injurious than physical abuse." I understand that, yes, the sexual abuse was horrific but, what really hurt ,and hurts me still, was not having anybody to turn to. This pain is deep. I struggle with it every day. When she first learned she was pregnant with me, my mother didn't want me. Throughout her pregnancy, she didn't want me. When I was born, she still didn't want me. She already abandoned me 9 months ago, even when I was a tiny seed inside of her. When I was sexually abused, she wasn't around, worst of all she too abused me in many ways. My father was never there, so, I was abandoned by him too. I was often told, I was a very unhappy, difficult baby and was crying a lot. Now I understand that, of course, I was unhappy: I wasn't loved and cared for.

" Even worse, words that are emotionally poisoned with contempt and (a deadly cocktail of intimidation and disgust ) infuse the child with fear and toxic shame, respectively." The word disgust hit me hard: this is the word I didn't have to describe the way my mother looked at me, so often. I got flashbacks of this look she used to give me. She was so cold.

Recently, my little half brother send me a message, asking me to chant for him. I practice Nichiren Daishonin's Buddhism which entails chanting the mantra "Nam Myoho Renge Kyo" My brother added: "You did before and it works!" He asked me to chant to get back with his then girlfriend and, soon after, he made the woman he was about to spend the next four years with! Unfortunately, she left him. I called him as I felt he was feeling really low. I confided in him that I have given up dating and feel like I will probably die alone. "No you won't die alone. We already have grown up alone... so you can't die alone." The moment he said this, I knew he felt the same pain I have been carried for a long time.

So I have been chanting and praying for our happiness: we deserve to be happy and to be loved! My determination is to break this family karma of neglect, of abandonment, of abuse, of loveless and lonely relationships. I remember how a break up used to make me want to die! "Nobody loved me so what is the point of me?" Back then it seemed dramatic, to myself and to others: a break up is painful, yes, but wanting to die? Isn't a bit extreme? That was because, unknown to me, I was experiencing some intense emotional flashbacks. "Nobody loved me so what is the point of me?" really means : "Mummy doesn't love me, so, what is the point of me?"

My little brother was The Golden Child of the family. It didn't mean he didn't suffer, he did. My big brother and I were the Scapegoats. Our mother made it so that we hated each other. My big brother is so unhappy and dangerous, it is best to not know where he is. I remember him as the little boy he was: he missed his dad and needed lots of love but, didn't get any. He was told he would end up like his dad and, you know what, he did: he a fraudster, a liar and thief. I really think our mother created this "monster."

I have learned to acknowledge and sooth this painful inner pain (my inner children's pain) by using the tools I have read about in "Self Compassion" by Kristin Neff.PhD Instead of feeling bad for feeling sad and low, I now place my hands on my heart, follow my breathing, relax my body and say:

"Today,

May I be safe/ May we (my inner children, my daughter, my friends, my community, the world and I) be safe

May I be peaceful/ May we be peaceful

May I be healthy/ May we be healthy

May I be kind to myself/ May we be kind to ourselves and each other

May I take loving care of myself through this difficult time.

May I live today with ease./ May we live together with ease"

Now I understand, I am not overacting: I am in pain and if I am in pain, I need to be loving towards myself. It isn't about getting rid off the pain. It is about listening to my inner parts who are suffering and about courageously holding them with love, while they re-experience the pain of the past. It became easier to manage and it isn't so overwhelming. Recovery, for me, isn't about the total disappearance of symptoms (some will go but not all of them) but about me living well despite the trauma.

What also helped me were my closest friends with whom I could freely talk about the chronic sadness and chronic loneliness I feel. I didn't get: "You aren't alone! Cheer up!" because they understand those are old pains need loving and validating. I needed hugs and I got my hugs! One important thing I have learned from my days in CODA was: reach out! I know it is scary. I know, sometimes, how the pain is so overwhelming, it is the last thing we want to do. Reach out anyway. Depression and Anxiety might also tell us how shit we are and how we don't want to bother anybody. Reach out!! We need support. We have suffered alone for far too long. Our friends might also need us and by hearing how difficult things are for us, they might open up too.

I went away to Carcassonne with one of my dearest friend and it was fabulous! Nothing like the sunshine (and 40C) to cheer us up! We both have limited funds, so we can't afford a week or two, but we decided: F***k it we need a break!! It took some organising and some careful spending but we enjoyed every moment of it.

Sylvie

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