Contact Me
Winter Turns into Spring - The Blog
Child Sexual Trauma and hypervigilance
This week, I want to write about hypervigilance linked to child abuse trauma. Adults survivors of child sexual abuse often suffer from hypervigilance well into their adulthood. Symptoms include:
- Experiencing sleeping problems (nightmares, flashbacks, waking up 3/4 times a night)
- Being in constant state of anxiety and agitation/ restlessness
- Feeling of danger everywhere.
- Chronic physical pain (because of ongoing stress)
- Experiencing panic attacks
- Being sensitive to noise, bright lights, chaotic environment
- Finding hard to hold up a job or to work because of chronic exhaustion
- Not socialising, because of anxiety and lack of energy
- Experiencing mood swings - as a result of poor sleep
- Finding it difficult to concentrate/ spacing out
Disturbed nights are one of the effect from the incest I was the victim of, that has the most impact on my daily life. It isn't falling asleep that is problematic but what is happening while I sleep: I always wake up around 4/5 o'clock in the morning. I have strange dreams where I am running away from danger: people trying to hurt or to kill me. I am forever trying to escape danger. Sometimes I remember the dreams, sometimes not, it doesn't matter because, what linger are feelings of terror, deep sadness and just that "something is really wrong". I wake up more tired than I was when I went to sleep. This has a huge impact on my mood.
For the last few days, I've become more aware than ever before of how nervous and restless I am throughout the day. With restless nights and restless days, no wonder I am exhausted all the time. Sometimes, I am so fed up and tired of... being tired. I just don't have as much energy as other human beings have. I have to be careful how I plan my day. I can't have more than one activity a day, whether it is an appointment with my Support Worker, seeing my daughter or a friend; or doing some shopping, without being extremely tired.
On the way back home from the park, the other day, I decided to go back to bed and rest. "But, if I don't do anything, I feel bad about myself." This was my Inner Teenager talking to me. I replied she didn't have to do anything to feel good about herself. It made me think how my acceptance of myself is very conditional. I need to achieve something, anything, every day in order to appease this gnawing anxiety and to feel good about myself. When I am resting, I very often feel restless and start to get up every 5 minutes to get this or that! I get anxious too: something seems wrong, really wrong. I always feel guilty and lazy because I know I should be doing something.
I had more flashbacks of moments where I couldn't rest, knowing I had to clean the house before A (my mother) got angry at me. I used to go to church most Sunday. It was a way of escaping home but I also found it peaceful. Back home, in my bedroom, I heard A saying to my step dad: "She goes to church because she doesn't want to clean! She is so lazy." Every week ends and every holidays, it was expected of me to clean the entire house, then I was always reprimanded for not doing it properly.
"I feel guilty and lazy as I know I should be doing something before A gets angry." A isn't here anymore though.
Digging a bit deeper with my prayers, it occurred to me that by staying super vigilant, by keeping busy, by only wanting to do things perfectly,
my Inner Children are still trying hard to protect themselves in order to survive : keeping busy was the only way to appease A's anger. It was my way to gain a bit of
control over the situation.
I decided to chant with deep gratitude towards my Inner Children for never giving up, for fighting so hard to protect themselves, in order to survive. At this stage, it won't be helpful for me to just say: "Well, A isn't here anymore, so I don't have to be super alert now. " What is important right now is the validate and to praise all the things I did ,as a small child and as a teenager, to keep myself alive. Yes, most of these survival, coping mechanisms are outdated, some even created chaos in my adult life but, they saved me and they need to be validated for the protection they gave me for so long.
Sylvie
© Sylvie Rouhani2018
What is it Life Coaching? What isn't Life Coaching?
It is a
partnership between a Life Coach and a client.
The coach facilitates a safe space and creates a positive rapport in order for the client to identify the inner blocks to their goals, hindering their happiness. Life Coaching helps the client to identify their own goals, to find their own solutions and achieve personal growth and transformation.
Life Coaching isn’t therapy. Although we acknowledge most inner blocks have their roots in the client’s past, we don’t dwell deep on it (this is best done in a therapeutic setting), but, with the client’s permission, we can explore how the "Then and There" affects the "Here and Now", and how the client can move forward, with Self-Compassion.
If I feel a client could benefit from ongoing therapy, I will advise they do so.
My approach is trauma informed. What is trauma? What does "Trauma Informed" means and how does it fit in with Life Coaching?
Trauma is the impact any significant event that has a lasting adverse effect on an individual’s happiness and well-being. The earlier and the longer lasting the stressful event in an individual’s life, the deeper the debilitating effect on a person’s happiness and well-being are.
“Trauma-informed coaching happens when the coach understands what trauma is, how it presents in the coaching room and how to respond. All this, within established coaching boundaries and contracts.”
Julia Vaughan Smith –
Coaching and Trauma
I have personal and professional experience of trauma and have a real understanding of its impact on mind, body and spirit.
What is Self-Compassion?
Self-compassion is extending compassion to oneself in instances of perceived inadequacy, failure, or general suffering.
Dr Kristin Neff,
PhD, has pioneered and defines self-compassion as being composed of three main components –
mindfulness, common humanity, and self-kindness.
Self-compassion is facing our deepest fears, outdated self-beliefs and our perceived inadequacies with loving kindness towards oneself, by learning to take the time to acknowledge when we are hurting (Mindfulness) , by reminding ourselves how suffering is part of the our human experience and we all experience it (to some degree), we aren’t as alone as we think we are (common Humanity ) and, finally, by taking time to sooth and to love ourselves though our pain as we would with a dear friend of ours (Self-Kindness).
New Paragraph
How does Self-Compassion and Trauma Informed Coaching work?
Oftentimes, our deepest fears, outdated self-beliefs and perceived inadequacies, are the very things blocking us from creating a happy, fulfilled life, and building happy relationships, tailored to our needs and aspirations.
These blocks have roots in our past, whether we are aware of this or not, and will impact our thoughts, feeling and our behaviour as well as on how we perceive ourselves and the world around us. The more severe a past trauma, such as Child Sexual Abuse, the stronger the blocks, which are survival/ defence mechanisms created in childhood in order to survive extreme violence and neglect.
They are also natural responses to abuse and neglect,
when the child really has no one to turn to.
In Coaching, there is an opportunity for the client to explore how the past has an impact on the present and focus on what the client can achieve NOW by becoming their own best friend through anything life throws at them and by having compassion for what they have been through. I will provide the space, the support and some tools (such as reading materials, meditations practice etc...), when necessary, to support clients on their journey.
The coaching process will be led by the client. It will be tailored to the client’s needs, with the client’s approval.
The coaching will be most effective if the client is willing and ready to commit
100% to their journey of self-discovery and healing. During Trauma Informed and Self- Compassion based Life Coaching sessions, the client will learn to approach their biggest blocks and find their inner resources of loving kindness and compassion towards themselves.
Contact Me
Notice Board
Zoom or Teams
For those who would prefer to have their Life Coaching sessions, remotely, I use Zoom and Microsoft Team.
Venues for face-to-face sessions
TBC
Life Coaching sessions available from January 2023
My Fees
- 30 Minutes Skype/ Zoom or phone
assessment:
FREE
-
Full price
-
£80. (8 to 10 sessions
in total.)
-Concession prices: £60 (8 to 10 sessions in total.)
If you are experiencing financial hardship, such as unemployment or long-term disability, I offer limited places on concession fees. Please, contact me to discuss.
All payments via bank transfer.
