An article caught my eye, the other week, from The German Press Agency (GPA)," one of the world’s leading independent news agencies." The headline reads: "Bury bad thoughts to boost mental health, Cambridge team suggests" Experts in trauma informed and compassion based therapy models, encourage us to do the opposite.
The article goes on as follow: "People who carry negative thoughts and experiences are sometimes better off suppressing them rather than opening up, going by tests done by University of Cambridge scientists.
The team said their work could turn out to be a refutation of the "commonly-held belief" that brushing things under the carpet and moving on "is bad for our mental health." This research included 120 people from different areas and background. It further says that, individuals who participated still felt much better, a few months later.
First of all, there aren't any "bad" thoughts. But, there are painful ones. There are inner parts of us whose suffering shows up in our thoughts, emotions and our actions. As human beings it is natural to try and avoid painful feelings and emotions. We also need an amount of denial to survive, to a certain point but, total oblivion isn't healthy.
Unfortunately, the advice to distract ourselves from inner turmoil, in New Age circles, religious groups and , in some therapeutic settings, we are bombarded with tips to avoid, to reject. to minimised emotional distress and deep seated trauma. Below are some of the most popular platitudes victims and survivors of childhood trauma hear most of the time.
"Renowned experts in trauma informed and compassionate therapy models, such as Dr Pete Walker, Dr Chris Germer, Dr Kristin Neff and Dr Richard Schwartz, all agree: the only way to happiness and fulfilment starts by mindfully become aware of our emotional pain, then we strive to make space for it, acknowledging it and accepting it."
What we ignore, shut out of our minds, will always bubble up to the surface, sooner or later, in ways that could be hurtful for ourselves and others. It will show as impulsive behaviour and thoughts. For instance, in 2014-2015, I was attending group and individual Mentalisation Based Therapy (MBT). In essence, MBT was to help us (6 people suffering with BPD) changing our (disordered) thoughts and behaviour patterns. None of the therapists there wanted to discuss histories of child abuse or child neglect. The main message was: "Forget about the past. Get on with it!!" This was very damaging to me. It was insinuated, I choose to live in the past and to experience flashbacks.
Renowned experts in trauma informed and compassionate therapies models, such as Dr Pete Walker, Dr Chris Germer, Dr Kristin Neff and Dr Richard Schwartz, all agree: the only way to happiness and fulfilment starts by mindfully become aware of our emotional pain, then we strive to make space for it, acknowledging it and accepting it. As follow:
One way to practice mindful self-compassion is through the S.A.F.E.
"On a deeper level, an inner part of me (a very young part of me) felt so rejected, so scared, so unwanted (and she really was)she didn't want to be alive. She didn't see the point of her own existence."
Another example from my own experience: for years, I tried to be positive, cheerful and grateful. I tried to forget, tried to put it all behind, I choose happiness so, why, wasn't I happy? I just thought I was doing something wrong. Maybe I was damaged, never able to recover. In 2021, I felt suicidal most of the year. With the support of a caring and respectful therapist, I recognised my suicidal feelings has emotional flashbacks from the first years of my life. Sadly, rejected and unloved, as I was, I didn't have any desire to live. I felt no joy. When I finally stopped pretending to be happy and positive, and started to accept myself as I was, in total despair, was I able to feel joy and I found desire to live.
On a deeper level, an inner part of me (a very young part of me) felt so rejected, so scared, so unwanted (and she really was)she didn't want to be alive. She didn't see the point of her own existence. When I heard the inner voice saying: " I want to die!", the inner dialogue turned from: "Oh don't feel like that! You have so many things to be grateful for! Try this, this or that. Try harder!" or "What the fuck is wrong with you?" to "I hear you: you don't want to be alive. You are hurting. I am sorry." and I asked: "What do you need? How can I best support you, right now?" Her answer was: "Please, don't leave me. Please, stay with me! Please, LOVE ME." So, through meditations, more inner dialogues, I made her feel safe, loved and wanted. Now, she experiences joy and a love for life.
This process of responding compassionately to my inner parts, and these experiences were a gradual process. And it still all is an on-going process. I still have days when some inner parts feel futility (What is the point?) or petrified or doubtful. There is no easy, quick fixes on a journey of recovery from childhood trauma. Patience is important.
Here are quotes from the experts I mention in this article:
Pete Walker,
psychotherapist and author, who has written extensively on the topic of Complex Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (C-PTSD) ,
writes in his book:
The Tao of Fully Feeling: Harvesting Forgiveness out of Blame: “The only pain that can be avoided is the pain that comes from trying to avoid unavoidable pain.”
Here is what Kristin Neff, pioneer in Mindful Self-Compassion with her colleague Chris Germer,) writes on her website - Tips for Practice - " With self-compassion we mindfully accept that the moment is painful, and embrace ourselves with kindness and care in response, remembering that imperfection is part of the shared human experience. This allows us to hold ourselves in love and connection, giving ourselves the support and comfort needed to bear the pain, while providing the optimal conditions for growth and transformation."
Gabor Mate said:
“The attempt to escape from pain is what creates more pain.” and “Being cut off from our own natural self-compassion is one of the greatest impairments we can suffer. Along with our ability to feel our own pain go our best hopes for healing, dignity, and love.”
For more information in the IFS Model, I highly recommend Dr Richard Schwartz's book: No Bad Parts
You can relax and listen to this beautiful Mindful Self-Compassion meditation from Dr Chris Germer, below.
Take gentle care of yourselves,
Sylvie
All Rights Reserved | SylvieRouhani
What is it Life Coaching? What isn't Life Coaching?
It is a
partnership between a Life Coach and a client.
The coach facilitates a safe space and creates a positive rapport in order for the client to identify the inner blocks to their goals, hindering their happiness. Life Coaching helps the client to identify their own goals, to find their own solutions and achieve personal growth and transformation.
Life Coaching isn’t therapy. Although we acknowledge most inner blocks have their roots in the client’s past, we don’t dwell deep on it (this is best done in a therapeutic setting), but, with the client’s permission, we can explore how the "Then and There" affects the "Here and Now", and how the client can move forward, with Self-Compassion.
If I feel a client could benefit from ongoing therapy, I will advise they do so.
My approach is trauma informed. What is trauma? What does "Trauma Informed" means and how does it fit in with Life Coaching?
Trauma is the impact any significant event that has a lasting adverse effect on an individual’s happiness and well-being. The earlier and the longer lasting the stressful event in an individual’s life, the deeper the debilitating effect on a person’s happiness and well-being are.
“Trauma-informed coaching happens when the coach understands what trauma is, how it presents in the coaching room and how to respond. All this, within established coaching boundaries and contracts.”
Julia Vaughan Smith –
Coaching and Trauma
I have personal and professional experience of trauma and have a real understanding of its impact on mind, body and spirit.
What is Self-Compassion?
Self-compassion is extending compassion to oneself in instances of perceived inadequacy, failure, or general suffering.
Dr Kristin Neff,
PhD, has pioneered and defines self-compassion as being composed of three main components –
mindfulness, common humanity, and self-kindness.
Self-compassion is facing our deepest fears, outdated self-beliefs and our perceived inadequacies with loving kindness towards oneself, by learning to take the time to acknowledge when we are hurting (Mindfulness) , by reminding ourselves how suffering is part of the our human experience and we all experience it (to some degree), we aren’t as alone as we think we are (common Humanity ) and, finally, by taking time to sooth and to love ourselves though our pain as we would with a dear friend of ours (Self-Kindness).
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How does Self-Compassion and Trauma Informed Coaching work?
Oftentimes, our deepest fears, outdated self-beliefs and perceived inadequacies, are the very things blocking us from creating a happy, fulfilled life, and building happy relationships, tailored to our needs and aspirations.
These blocks have roots in our past, whether we are aware of this or not, and will impact our thoughts, feeling and our behaviour as well as on how we perceive ourselves and the world around us. The more severe a past trauma, such as Child Sexual Abuse, the stronger the blocks, which are survival/ defence mechanisms created in childhood in order to survive extreme violence and neglect.
They are also natural responses to abuse and neglect,
when the child really has no one to turn to.
In Coaching, there is an opportunity for the client to explore how the past has an impact on the present and focus on what the client can achieve NOW by becoming their own best friend through anything life throws at them and by having compassion for what they have been through. I will provide the space, the support and some tools (such as reading materials, meditations practice etc...), when necessary, to support clients on their journey.
The coaching process will be led by the client. It will be tailored to the client’s needs, with the client’s approval.
The coaching will be most effective if the client is willing and ready to commit
100% to their journey of self-discovery and healing. During Trauma Informed and Self- Compassion based Life Coaching sessions, the client will learn to approach their biggest blocks and find their inner resources of loving kindness and compassion towards themselves.
If you are interested and ready to transform your life, with self-compassion and tender loving care towards yourself, please, contact me for a FREE 30-minute Skype/ Zoom or phone assessment.
(See Notice Board below for more info)
I am looking forward to hearing from you,
Sylvie
Thank you for contacting me.
I will get back to you as soon as possible.
Kind Regards,
Sylvie
Notice Board
Zoom or Teams
For those who would prefer to have their Life Coaching sessions, remotely, I use Zoom and Microsoft Team.
Venues for face-to-face sessions
TBC
Life Coaching sessions available from January 2023
My Fees
- 30 Minutes Skype/ Zoom or phone
assessment:
FREE
-
Full price
-
£80. (8 to 10 sessions
in total.)
-Concession prices: £60 (8 to 10 sessions in total.)
If you are experiencing financial hardship, such as unemployment or long-term disability, I offer limited places on concession fees. Please, contact me to discuss.
All payments via bank transfer.