Winter Turns into Spring - The Blog

For boys, it starts with being told "Boys don't cry." They are taught not to feel and share their feelings, because boys are suppose to be strong. Unfortunately, the danger is mostly close to home, if not at home. Who are these predators hurting boys? A parent, a an uncle, a grand parent, a sport coach, a priest... The general belief is that boys don't get raped! 1 in 6 writes, in its "Myths & Facts" page:

"Everyone absorbs the myth that males aren’t victims, to some extent. It’s central to masculine gender socialization, and boys pick up on it very early in life. This myth implies that a boy or man who has been sexually used or abused will never be a “real man.” Our society expects males to be able to protect themselves. Successful men are depicted as never being vulnerable, either physically or emotionally. (See How It Can Be Different for Men and How Being Male Can Make It Hard to Heal.)

Whether you agree with that definition of masculinity or not, boys are not men. They are children. They are weaker and more vulnerable than those who sexually abuse or exploit them – who use their greater size, strength and knowledge to manipulate or coerce boys into unwanted sexual experiences and staying silent ... "

Some boys deal with the emotional and physical pain, by shutting off, or by lashing out. Anger is then met with disapproval, which might increase the shame they are already feeling: "See, I am trouble!" If they tell. they aren't believed: "Boys don't get raped." and, if they did, it means they are weak for not stopping it or, worst of all, they asked for it. "You must be Gay!"

As mentioned in "LGBTQA+ Victims and Survivors of child sexual abuse" if their bodies responded to touch, as a healthy body naturally does, it is met with shame and self-loathing. Those growing up in the sort of religious practice that view  Gay, Lesbian etc, are sinners, have the deal with the added prejudices around their sexuality.

How is a child able to protect himself from a big adult doing despicable things to them? A small kid is powerless confronted with a dangerous situation. Rape is about power more than it is about sexual gratification. They are groomed for a long period of time and it doesn't necessarily begins with sexual activities. Adults are supposed to protect and care for children.

An even bigger taboo is boys sexually assaulted by their mothers or any other female adult in his life. We have all read stories in the newspaper with headlines such as: "Teacher arrested for having sex with 14 years old teenager." Somehow, it seems as if it is ok for a boy "to have sex" with any female authority figures. He probably flirted a little bit... He got an "education" from an older lady. It's cool, right? Any adults taking advantage of their position and status, crossing the boundaries are irresponsible and are perpetrators. The headline should always be: "Teacher raped 14 years old teenage boy."

Here is what 1 in 6 says about this:

"The myth that if a female used or abused a boy, he was “lucky,” and if he doesn’t feel that way there’s something wrong with him.

This myth, like several of the others, comes from the image of masculinity that boys learn from very early. It says not only that males can’t be sexually abused, but that any sexual experience with girls and women, especially older ones, is evidence that he’s a “real man.” Again, the confusion comes from focusing on the sexual aspect rather than the abusive one – the exploitation and betrayal by a more powerful, trusted or admired person (who can be a child or adult).

In reality, premature, coerced or otherwise abusive or exploitive sexual experiences are never positive – whether they are imposed by an older sister, sister of a friend, baby sitter, neighbor, aunt, mother, or any other female in a position of power over a boy. At a minimum, they cause confusion and insecurity. They almost always harm boys’ and men’s capacities for trust and intimacy.

A gay man who experienced sexual arousal when abused by a female may wonder whether it means that he is actually straight or wonder what it means that he was chosen by a woman or older girl.

Being sexually used or abused, whether by males or females, can cause a variety of other emotional and psychological problems. However, boys and men often don’t recognize the connections between what happened and their later problems. To be used as a sexual object by a more powerful person, male or female, is never a good thing, and can cause lasting harm.

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Sexual Assault and rape aren't just about penetration with a sex organ. It can be watching adult movies or forcing them to .watch those movie; having sex in front of your child, or somewhere without any privacy. It can also be, masturbating, touching, even just looking at their naked bodies in a sexual way. A person doesn't have to have a penis to violate a child.

Here are the official definitions from the MET's website:

"The legal definition of rape is when a person intentionally penetrates another's vagina, anus or mouth with a penis, without the other person's consent. Assault by penetration is when a person penetrates another person's vagina or anus with any part of the body other than a penis, or by using an object, without the person's consent.

The overall definition of sexual or indecent assault is an act of physical, psychological and emotional violation in the form of a sexual act, inflicted on someone without their consent. It can involve forcing or manipulating someone to witness or participate in any sexual acts.

Not all cases of sexual assault involve violence, cause physical injury or leave visible marks. Sexual assault can cause severe distress, emotional harm and injuries which can't be seen – all of which can take a long time to recover from. This is why we use the term 'assault', and treat reports just as seriously as those of violent, physical attacks."

What are the repercussions on grown up men? A lot of suffering camouflaged under anger, addictions, impulses, mental and physical illnesses. The feeling of being less than other men, of not belonging. Here is the list of common feelings and effects of male sexual abuse:

• Anxiety
• Depression
• Low self-esteem
• Drug and alcohol addiction
• Difficulties managing feelings and relationships, sometimes leading to a diagnosis of Borderline personality disorder
• Difficulties with sleep (too much, too little, nightmares)
• Eating disorders
• Psychosis
• Grief
• Post-traumatic reactions
• Sexual dysfunction
• Difficulties in creating and maintaining relationships / friendships / social connection
• Poor self worth
• Difficulties in education and employment
• A range of physical symptoms
• A number of mental health diagnoses have been associated with a history of childhood sexual

All of the above varies from one individual to another. Trauma effect each person differently, even if it seems they had been through very similar experiences.

When you have a difficult day, when it feels like life is never going to get better, remember: you aren't a failure, you aren't going crazy either. You are suffering. I hear you and see you.

Sylvie

Resources:

Survivors UK: "We provide a national online helpline, individual and group counselling for boys, men and non-binary people aged 13+ who have experienced sexual violence at any time in their lives. We also offer emotional support through the justice system, support for friends and families of survivors, and training for professionals and organisations."

Male Support Partnership: "MSP is a network of organisations working with male victims/survivors of sexual abuse, rape and sexual exploitation. We provide links to national and local support services for anyone looking for specialist help.

Our site also has a member area for our network."

1 in 6: "If you’re a man who has experienced sexual abuse or assault, you’re not alone. We’re here to support you in your path to a happier, healthier future."