Impostor Syndrome and Self -Compassion
The definition of the Impostor Syndrome, on Wikipedia: " Impostor syndrome (also known as impostor phenomenon or impostorism) is a psychological occurrence in which an individual doubts their skills, talents, or accomplishments and has a persistent internalized fear of being exposed as a fraud. Despite external evidence of their competence, those experiencing this phenomenon do not believe they deserve their success or luck (...)"
There is also along list of reason as to why, some of us feel like they never good enough, no matter how well they are doing, in work, in their relationships, in pursuing their dreams and goals.
Although it isn't classified as a mental illness, there are strong links to depression, anxiety and such. It is a painful "condition" that can easily, in some cases, slip into a feeling of futility, depression and suicidal thoughts.
Some of us never had a chance growing up, with parents watching us like hawks, looking at, or even creating, opportunities to criticized our every move, which were always labelled as rubbish, worthless, no matter how we tried to appease our carers' anger and abuse. Others might had over-protective parents: they might have wanted you to be safe and successful in life but, the results were suffocating or you felt you had to push yourself to please them. Whatever the case, it is soul crushing. It is too much responsibility for children to meet adults' high expectations - very often dictated by Society's hight standards.
I remember, on my last volunteer role at the helpline (for Mosac) I received high praises from my supervisor. I really couldn't see how well I was doing in supporting callers and clients. It isn't just in working situations I felt like an impostor, but also in my relationships, especially as a mother. It didn't matter how many times friends were telling me what a great mother I was/ am, I didn't believe them. This was because I was certain I was hurting my child. I can now see clearly: indeed I am a good mum, not a perfect one (it doesn't exists) but a good one!
While listening to some friends talking about their struggles with Impostor's Syndrome, recently, it occurred to me that this is how I felt last year: an impostor in my own life. "What am I doing here? I am rubbish at this! Where is the point of my existence?" I was in such a dark place I couldn't see who I was anymore. That rapidly declined to feeling suicidal. With the help of a trauma informed therapist - Karen Isbister at Becoming Whole - I realised how I have been feeling like this my whole life, starting with my unwelcomed arrival into this world.
So, how can we face our difficulties with the Imposter Syndrome and how ever it impact u? The popular "Faking it till you make it." isn't the solution! It is about being "real", by going within ourselves and acknowledging our pain - ideally with a therapist you feel safe with and trust. Awareness/ mindfulness is the first step for change: if we can't be present in our body, we can't feel its discomfort. So we sit, for a few minutes and we pay attention: where does it hurt? where do you hold you tension? Is your breathing relaxed?
The second step is acceptance. Acceptance is one of the elements within the practice of Mindful Self-Compassion. It naturally arises as we tend to our inner world with self-compassion and kindness. When we turn towards ourselves/ our feelings with acceptance, then, paradoxically, change naturally occurs. We might say to ourselves: "I am feel sad/ upset/ angry/ despair, etc. We learn that there is no such things as "good" or "bad" feelings/ emotions/ inner experiences. We can say to ourselves: "Ok, this is how you feel. I am sorry this is so difficult. I am here." This can include a comforting gesture, such as placing our hands on our heart or wherever you feel tension in your body.
Another element of self-compassion is "humanity": during our most difficult times, we tend to think we are alone in this world. This is the very nature of Depression and other mental illnesses. With "humanity", we gently remind ourselves that, other human beings are experiencing some degree of pain, at some point in their lives. This is in no way to minimize our experiences ("Other people have it worse than you do. Stop complaining") rather, it is to remind ourselves we aren't alone. I often think of friends whom I know struggle too with anxiety, for instance.
Then, comes
kindness: what would you say to your closest friend when s/he is going through a rough patch? "What do you need? I am here. It is understandable for you to react like this, it is tough. Gently does it." It feels weird to start with but, taking time to say caring and kind words to ourselves, in time, will sooth us. It will become a natural thing to do.
This process of change happens in many ways for many people, therefore, we can't really compare someone else's life with our own. Sadly, we do! The Impostor's Syndrome comes with what we call an "Inner Critic!" (See "Shrinking the inner critic, Pete Walker, MA Psychology). If we listen to our inner critic, instead of telling to shut up, most of the time, we will find it is trying to push us, for us not to feel certain emotions. There are instances when this Inner critic is a reflection of an outer critic, we grew up with. Pre-empting criticism, is another protective skill. Sometimes it is necessary to get angry at this inner part, if it feels like a recording tape from an abusive parent, it is healthy to do so.
There is no 123 or ABC steps to recovery. This process can't be rush either. I know too well, when we experience deep emotional pain/ emotional flashbacks, we are advised to distract ourselves, to look on the bright side or whatever else people come up with. We then tell ourselves to heal or recover quicker and better. We are programmed to stop the pain, or to avoid it. It is instinctive. Very often, it is even beyond our control (See "The four Fs," Pete Walker). With self-compassion, we learn to slow down, to notice. We learn to go through our times of discomfort with loving kindness. We learn to love ourselves in the difficult times.
- For more info on Self-Compassion, follow Dr Kristin Neff, PhD -
Love, compassion and Kindness,
Sylvie
All Rights Reserved | SylvieRouhani2022
What is it Life Coaching? What isn't Life Coaching?
It is a
partnership between a Life Coach and a client.
The coach facilitates a safe space and creates a positive rapport in order for the client to identify the inner blocks to their goals, hindering their happiness. Life Coaching helps the client to identify their own goals, to find their own solutions and achieve personal growth and transformation.
Life Coaching isn’t therapy. Although we acknowledge most inner blocks have their roots in the client’s past, we don’t dwell deep on it (this is best done in a therapeutic setting), but, with the client’s permission, we can explore how the "Then and There" affects the "Here and Now", and how the client can move forward, with Self-Compassion.
If I feel a client could benefit from ongoing therapy, I will advise they do so.
My approach is trauma informed. What is trauma? What does "Trauma Informed" means and how does it fit in with Life Coaching?
Trauma is the impact any significant event that has a lasting adverse effect on an individual’s happiness and well-being. The earlier and the longer lasting the stressful event in an individual’s life, the deeper the debilitating effect on a person’s happiness and well-being are.
“Trauma-informed coaching happens when the coach understands what trauma is, how it presents in the coaching room and how to respond. All this, within established coaching boundaries and contracts.”
Julia Vaughan Smith –
Coaching and Trauma
I have personal and professional experience of trauma and have a real understanding of its impact on mind, body and spirit.
What is Self-Compassion?
Self-compassion is extending compassion to oneself in instances of perceived inadequacy, failure, or general suffering.
Dr Kristin Neff,
PhD, has pioneered and defines self-compassion as being composed of three main components –
mindfulness, common humanity, and self-kindness.
Self-compassion is facing our deepest fears, outdated self-beliefs and our perceived inadequacies with loving kindness towards oneself, by learning to take the time to acknowledge when we are hurting (Mindfulness) , by reminding ourselves how suffering is part of the our human experience and we all experience it (to some degree), we aren’t as alone as we think we are (common Humanity ) and, finally, by taking time to sooth and to love ourselves though our pain as we would with a dear friend of ours (Self-Kindness).
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How does Self-Compassion and Trauma Informed Coaching work?
Oftentimes, our deepest fears, outdated self-beliefs and perceived inadequacies, are the very things blocking us from creating a happy, fulfilled life, and building happy relationships, tailored to our needs and aspirations.
These blocks have roots in our past, whether we are aware of this or not, and will impact our thoughts, feeling and our behaviour as well as on how we perceive ourselves and the world around us. The more severe a past trauma, such as Child Sexual Abuse, the stronger the blocks, which are survival/ defence mechanisms created in childhood in order to survive extreme violence and neglect.
They are also natural responses to abuse and neglect,
when the child really has no one to turn to.
In Coaching, there is an opportunity for the client to explore how the past has an impact on the present and focus on what the client can achieve NOW by becoming their own best friend through anything life throws at them and by having compassion for what they have been through. I will provide the space, the support and some tools (such as reading materials, meditations practice etc...), when necessary, to support clients on their journey.
The coaching process will be led by the client. It will be tailored to the client’s needs, with the client’s approval.
The coaching will be most effective if the client is willing and ready to commit
100% to their journey of self-discovery and healing. During Trauma Informed and Self- Compassion based Life Coaching sessions, the client will learn to approach their biggest blocks and find their inner resources of loving kindness and compassion towards themselves.
If you are interested and ready to transform your life, with self-compassion and tender loving care towards yourself, please, contact me for a FREE 30-minute Skype/ Zoom or phone assessment.
(See Notice Board below for more info)
I am looking forward to hearing from you,
Sylvie
Thank you for contacting me.
I will get back to you as soon as possible.
Kind Regards,
Sylvie
Notice Board
Zoom or Teams
For those who would prefer to have their Life Coaching sessions, remotely, I use Zoom and Microsoft Team.
Venues for face-to-face sessions
TBC
Life Coaching sessions available from January 2023
My Fees
- 30 Minutes Skype/ Zoom or phone
assessment:
FREE
-
Full price
-
£80. (8 to 10 sessions
in total.)
-Concession prices: £60 (8 to 10 sessions in total.)
If you are experiencing financial hardship, such as unemployment or long-term disability, I offer limited places on concession fees. Please, contact me to discuss.
All payments via bank transfer.