Winter Turns into Spring - The Blog

From 2008 until 2009, my daughter and I lived in a Women's Refuge. It was a very difficult time as, although I was safe from my ex partner, I wasn't safe within the hostel. At the time, I received lots of unsolicited guidance and was surrounded by individuals ( from DV housing Officers to religious members) who didn't understand.

My daughter and I moved in a hostel, top floor, sharing a flat with 3 other women. I was welcomed. assured that everyone was friendly by B, one of my flatmate. The other one was seldom in and I wouldn't meet her for a few weeks. I was introduced to R and her daughter, D who had been there for more than a year, at this stage. She too was welcoming and said we could get together for the girls to play. Soon after, D told me to be careful of B. Instinctively, B noticed I was more guarded around her, until I could form my own opinion of her. I soon found out B loved manipulating the women in the hostel against each other. She also lied, used to steal, smoked marijuana in the flat. She also had no boundaries, walking around naked. She would tell me about her lovers and her partner whom she still saw on a regular basis. She bullied me relentlessly.

It turned out, the woman who used to live in my bedroom, who was pregnant, was also harassed by B, in such a way she was moved to another hostel. When I enquired about this to my Support Worker, I was told, yes, but this situation has been dealt with. Case closed. Personally, I thought the case was definitely not closed, far from it, as B was still here, manipulating and terrorising others.

It came up in therapy and it is only when I started to feel suicidal, my therapist sounded the alarm bell on B's behaviour. I was moved to another floor, another room, in a smaller flat, with just one other lady. A was really shy and reserved at first but, slowly we became good friends and my daughter liked her. Unfortunately, B didn't take long to manipulate her, R was also in the mix. After A's Support Worker's misguided actions, A came up to the flat, one day and started shouting at me, in front of my daughter. I was moved, to another room, again. C was nice, we could get along she too had a her ways.

This was as a time when I was part of a Buddhist organisation - SGI, when I decided to leave my ex partner, my Young Women Leader was opposed to it, saying I should stay and chant to change the situation. Leaving, for her, meant giving up. Once I moved into the refuge, she called my ex, feeling sorry for him: "He is a father too and I wanted to check he was ok." I was furious and hurt that she has done that, potentially putting me in danger. Once, confiding to a man in the Buddhist centre, I was sternly told off for not having compassion for my ex. This same person,  once we moved into the hostel, invited me and my daughter for dinner, telling me he couldn't possibly imagine what it must feel like to go thought what I had just been through. Suddenly, I was brave. Where was the support when I was in danger?

Some local SGI members supported me but, most of the time, I was receiving unsolicited guidance. Some were asking me how was my relationship with my ex. There seemed to be pressure for me to heal this relationship. When I confided to my new Young Women Leader about B bullying me, I was encouraged to introduce her to Buddhism and to be kind, as she was obviously unhappy. Unfortunately, at the time, I believed kindness conquered all. I was trying to build a connection with B that was doomed anyway and it put me in dangerous situations. This YW leader, even hugged B when visiting me. I didn't understand the gesture. Most of the time I felt alone and misunderstood. Thankfully, I had one friend who took the situation seriously and supported me and my daughter.

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Losing your home and having to escape an abusive relationship is difficult enough but having to deal with the prejudices from Southwark Domestic Violence Housing Officer who deemed my case not a DV case, was hurtful.

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Losing your home and having to escape an abusive relationship is difficult enough but having to deal with the prejudices from Southwark Domestic Violence Housing Officer who deemed my case not a DV case, was hurtful. She was late at all the appointments and really didn't seem to be bothered with her job. Thankfully, my support worker, J, put her back in her place. I was told I wasn't allowed social properties as I was French - this was years before Brexit - seeking advice from Shelter, J was able to prove I was actually eligible for social housing. Then, I was informed they just didn't want to take responsibility for my case and suggested I try with Lewisham Council. This wasn't ideal as my ex partner lived in this borough. For months, both councils, Lewisham and Southwark, were playing ping pong with my life, until J found a housing solicitor who, after a few more months of battling with both authorities, was able to secure a home for me.

I was lucky to have J as my support worker: she was efficient and pro-active. She wanted me and my daughter to move on as soon as possible. I saw some of her colleagues who, unlike her, couldn't really be bothered to do their job or were patronising.

B's support worker wasn't doing enough to help her and to protect the other residents.

On top of that, the property itself wasn't in a great state. Anything - from kitchen pots and pans, plates, bedding etc, were all from the lowest Argos range. We could see little money was spend for our comfort. We even had to ask for better toilet paper - the one we were getting was more like sanding paper. I guess it depends on the local funding, and on the management. How can victims of DV, and their children thrive in such an environment?

A few months ago, this year, I met B, in my neighbourhood. She was the one recognising me as we walked pass each other: "Hey babe, it's me!!" I froze into place. It has been more than 10 years, and I froze. She was talking as we've been best friends, back in the days. "You were horrible to me." It came out if me. She started crying, apologising. "You were horrible to my daughter too." I added. She flipped: "No way, I would never hurt a child." She became aggressive, calling me deranged. I started to walk away, I felt sick to my stomach and was dry heaving. I called a couple of friends, I was crying, in shock. A part of me felt angry: "Why did you open your mouth? Couldn't you just walk pass her? Ignore her?" My friends assured me it was brave to speak out, to speak my truth. We weren't friends. She was a very unhappy tyrant, hurting everyone - herself included.

One of these cherished friend, who is a practicing SGI/ Nichiren Daishonin Buddhist, heard my anger that day, talking about advices from members putting in more harm's way. It was feeding my people-pleasing tendencies, my outdated belief that love and compassion conquer all. Help the ones who hurts the most, even though their behaviour are hurtful and abusive. She understood and supported me through those feelings. (You can read more about this on "Misconceptions on Child Abuse in Religious Settings")

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I now understand compassion starts within me! It starts with self-compassion, not the other way around. We can't help another if we, ourselves are drowning.

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I am not implying the SGI is a bad organisation to avoid at all costs. It is unfortunate, that, in all religions circles there will always be individuals who think they know best and are so eager to share their "wisdom" they don't have boundaries. The essence of the teaching is lost to be big "ego" Being placed into leadership, you are asked to guide others, sometimes to the detriment of the leader and the members they are asked to support.

I now understand compassion starts within me! It starts with self-compassion, not the other way around. We can't help another if we, ourselves are drowning. Understanding and having compassion for someone's unhealthy/abusive behaviour is one thing, advising someone to stay in an abusive relationship has nothing to do with compassion. It is dangerous. It creates or encourages fawning (Co-dependency) d hopelessness, when victims might feel powerless for not being able to appease the situation. In other words: it is victim shaming, guilt- tripping.. Telling someone to have more compassion for her/ his/ their abuser is unacceptable. Whatever organisation we are members of, the leaders have a duty of care to protect their peers. DV is serious.  I have a couple of friends from the SGI who respect me and my journey. I left the organisation 10 years ago and I have found my own way to connect to myself = The Universe.

A few weeks after I moved in into my new flat, with my daughter, I received a phone call to give feedback about Refuge's services. I didn't talk about B. Instead I focused on praising my Support Worker. I had my own place. My daughter and I were safe. It was a new beginning, I wanted B and the entire experience behind me. Seeing B again, just a few months ago, shook me to the core and I decided to write about my year in a women's refuge. I am not saying not to trust Refuge as a whole. It is a great organisation. I met some ladies who had a great experiences. But, I wonder if there are similar experiences than mine. I hope there aren't too many.

Take gentle of yourselves.

Sylvie

Home - Refuge

Home - DVIP | Domestic Violence Intervention Project: "For over 25 years, we have been helping to make women and children safer. With services across London, we work to stop domestic violence and to reduce the harm it causes to women, children and families."

LGBT | Westminster Community Information - Listing for LGBTQ + victims of DV.

ManKind Initiative - Supporting Male Victims of Domestic Abuse -

 I support all victims of domestic abuse and of any abuse. Men and boys also need support. ALL genders can, and do, experience DV.