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Feeling and Grieving Our Losses - The Unloving Mother
For the next few weeks I am going to focus on the things we lost as victims and survivors of incest/ child sexual abuse and on the grieving process. This week , in the second instalment of " Feeling and Grieving Our Losses", is about The Unloving Mother. Some of us had a mother by our side to love and support us through life. Unfortunately, most if us, who grew up in a dysfunctional family, our mother didn't love us nor did she protect us. Worst still, what if she was one of those who abused us? This is one of the most painful experience to accept and to grieve.
My Mother was a very abusive woman with strong narcissist traits. Her little brother raped me . When I told her, I was in my 20s, she replied I should forget about it. The fact that this was done to me wasn't an excuse for my difficult behaviour as a small child and as a teenager. " You have always been a difficult, unhappy child. You can't blame everything on him."
I stopped visiting her after my last holidays back home (France) with my then partner and our 6 months old Daughter. My Mother told me I wasn't a good Mother. She wanted me to clean the house using my Daughter as an excuse. (As a teenager it was expected of me to clean the house, top to bottom for her to always say what a bad job I did. )She had tantrums in front of my partner. I came back in London and broke down. I didn't want to hold my baby as I was scared to hurt her.
It took me a few more years before cutting contact. She had spend a year trying to die. She was in and out of hospitals. I was on regular contact with my little brother and with her. I was listening to her and I supported her as much as I could. I got tired of not getting any update unless I called. When she was out of hospital, she was back to her usual self and putting me down. I had enough. I t was hard and it took me ages to recover from "divorcing "my Mother. Suddenly, I had a better and clearer understanding of what happened during my childhood. It was dark and terrifying.
Two years later, she send me an email. It wasn't her first email but until then I didn't reply. One of the first thing she said was: " So, are you done being angry?" It didn't last long as I told her not to give my personal details to any other members of the family but ,a few weeks later, I received an email from a cousin I barely knew. She needed help to find a work experience placement and somewhere to stay over the summer, here in London. She even told my cousin about my depression - I wasn't well at the time. I stopped it then and there: it was clear I couldn't trust her. I send her an email to let her know and blocked her.
In 2016, I relived the day when she beat me up telling me she was going to kill me! I spend that summer feeling the fear, the shock and the sadness of it all. I had locked it all in for so long. I was paralysed and stopped eating. She never wanted me and even tried to end my days. ( A reminder to those who told me she loved me in her own way! She did the best she can, with what she knew! This is crap: abuse isn't love. Unfortunately, not all Mothers are capable of loving. ) She insulted me, belittled me and criticized me for everything: the way I walked, the way I dressed up, the way I did my hair, my laugh, my tears. I was mocked the few times I was happy and also when I was depressed and hiding in my room. I was ugly, useless and stupid. I believed her, I still do. I quickly learned I didn't matter. Everything bad that happened to me was my fault. Everything she was unhappy about was also my fault. I was this huge mistake and I paid price.
Soon after, I realised the something missing in my life is my mother's love. Actually, it isn't a new partner I want: "I want my mum to love me." My Inner Small Child declared. The very sad thing is, her mother doesn't love. She never did and never will. I crave the most is something I can never have. How heart breaking is that? It makes me feel really sad.
" I love my mummy, why doesn't she love me?" added my Small Inner Child. I was surprised by "I love my mummy." I have all this love stored within me that I was never able to give to A (My mother) and it still there and there is no A to give it to. For years I tried to give this love to all the wrong people, for all the wrong reasons. I tried to get my mother' s love through my romantic connections. I recall the many times I tried to love someone into recovery: if I stand by this person during their challenges, she/ he will change and love me, just as I did with my Mother when she was in psychiatric hospital all these years ago. This search for love only created pain. I don't want to suffer anymore.
So, I started chanting and praying to direct this love in ways that creates happiness, for me. I first thought of direct this love to my support group because they need love and support right now. As sweet as it was to think of my peers, I send healing vibes to them anyway, I was shocked I didn't even think of myself : "How about directing it to my Inner Children/ to myself?" From the intense emotional pain I feel on a daily basis right now, they are definitively suffering and needing of love. It was easier to think of directing this love outside of myself. It seemed so unfair: I was never loved as a child and now the Universe is showing me I need to love myself! It is a weird concept, one I can't do with my head but only with my heart.
Going deeper, as I understood from my research, an infant is totally dependent on his or her Mother's love. If a child is deprived of this basic and very important need, she or her can die if not physically, then emotionally. If, for whatever reasons, a mother isn't able to love her child, this kid will suffer deeply. Grieving this lose demands feeling the very things some of us have worked so hard not to face. It hurts badly to fully acknowledge you weren't loved and supported by the person who gave birth to you. it makes sense to me: how many times have I felt I was going to die from this lack of love and the pain it brings? Lots of times. Now I know I won't die but, it doesn't make the process less painful.
My need for my Mother's love was never met and never will be. So my other prayer to the Universe is: "How do I get this need met, in an healthy way?" Can it be met in my adult relationships?
"Remember you are loved, NOW." I was told recently but, this pain from the past, I feel it is NOW. It needs to be validated. I need to validate it. I need to feel it and cry it out. ( Feeling is easier than crying. Believe me I wish I could shed a few tears.) Growing up with an unloving mother made it so complicated for me to feel genuine love (whatever that is), as a woman with my friends. A couple of friends told me how precious I was in their life and I freaked out a little! "Your Daughter loves you!" is another thing I heard a lot since my daughter arrived in this world. Yes, she does and I love her back but, a daughter's love is different from a mother' s love. My daughter's love doesn't replace the love I needed as a child and that was never given to me. A child isn't a substitute for a mother! A partner isn't a substitute for a Mother. Friends aren't substitute for a mother. This realisation makes me feel really and lonely. "So who is going to love me then?" My Small Inner Child asked me. This is such a heart-breaking question to answer to. I could reply: "I love you. The Universe loves you." but all she wants is her mum to love her. She wants to feel special and wanted.
What about you? Did you have an unloving (and abusive) mother? Would you like to share your story about relationship with your Mother and the impact it had and still has on you, in the comment section ?
Sylvie
Read the first Feeling and Grieving Our Losses instalment, please click on the following link: Grief
Have a look at: https://theconversation.com/can-a-lack-of-love-be-deadly-58659
All right reserved ©SylvieRouhani2018
What is it Life Coaching? What isn't Life Coaching?
It is a
partnership between a Life Coach and a client.
The coach facilitates a safe space and creates a positive rapport in order for the client to identify the inner blocks to their goals, hindering their happiness. Life Coaching helps the client to identify their own goals, to find their own solutions and achieve personal growth and transformation.
Life Coaching isn’t therapy. Although we acknowledge most inner blocks have their roots in the client’s past, we don’t dwell deep on it (this is best done in a therapeutic setting), but, with the client’s permission, we can explore how the "Then and There" affects the "Here and Now", and how the client can move forward, with Self-Compassion.
If I feel a client could benefit from ongoing therapy, I will advise they do so.
My approach is trauma informed. What is trauma? What does "Trauma Informed" means and how does it fit in with Life Coaching?
Trauma is the impact any significant event that has a lasting adverse effect on an individual’s happiness and well-being. The earlier and the longer lasting the stressful event in an individual’s life, the deeper the debilitating effect on a person’s happiness and well-being are.
“Trauma-informed coaching happens when the coach understands what trauma is, how it presents in the coaching room and how to respond. All this, within established coaching boundaries and contracts.”
Julia Vaughan Smith –
Coaching and Trauma
I have personal and professional experience of trauma and have a real understanding of its impact on mind, body and spirit.
What is Self-Compassion?
Self-compassion is extending compassion to oneself in instances of perceived inadequacy, failure, or general suffering.
Dr Kristin Neff,
PhD, has pioneered and defines self-compassion as being composed of three main components –
mindfulness, common humanity, and self-kindness.
Self-compassion is facing our deepest fears, outdated self-beliefs and our perceived inadequacies with loving kindness towards oneself, by learning to take the time to acknowledge when we are hurting (Mindfulness) , by reminding ourselves how suffering is part of the our human experience and we all experience it (to some degree), we aren’t as alone as we think we are (common Humanity ) and, finally, by taking time to sooth and to love ourselves though our pain as we would with a dear friend of ours (Self-Kindness).
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How does Self-Compassion and Trauma Informed Coaching work?
Oftentimes, our deepest fears, outdated self-beliefs and perceived inadequacies, are the very things blocking us from creating a happy, fulfilled life, and building happy relationships, tailored to our needs and aspirations.
These blocks have roots in our past, whether we are aware of this or not, and will impact our thoughts, feeling and our behaviour as well as on how we perceive ourselves and the world around us. The more severe a past trauma, such as Child Sexual Abuse, the stronger the blocks, which are survival/ defence mechanisms created in childhood in order to survive extreme violence and neglect.
They are also natural responses to abuse and neglect,
when the child really has no one to turn to.
In Coaching, there is an opportunity for the client to explore how the past has an impact on the present and focus on what the client can achieve NOW by becoming their own best friend through anything life throws at them and by having compassion for what they have been through. I will provide the space, the support and some tools (such as reading materials, meditations practice etc...), when necessary, to support clients on their journey.
The coaching process will be led by the client. It will be tailored to the client’s needs, with the client’s approval.
The coaching will be most effective if the client is willing and ready to commit
100% to their journey of self-discovery and healing. During Trauma Informed and Self- Compassion based Life Coaching sessions, the client will learn to approach their biggest blocks and find their inner resources of loving kindness and compassion towards themselves.
Contact Me
Notice Board
Zoom or Teams
For those who would prefer to have their Life Coaching sessions, remotely, I use Zoom and Microsoft Team.
Venues for face-to-face sessions
TBC
Life Coaching sessions available from January 2023
My Fees
- 30 Minutes Skype/ Zoom or phone
assessment:
FREE
-
Full price
-
£80. (8 to 10 sessions
in total.)
-Concession prices: £60 (8 to 10 sessions in total.)
If you are experiencing financial hardship, such as unemployment or long-term disability, I offer limited places on concession fees. Please, contact me to discuss.
All payments via bank transfer.
