Winter Turns into Spring - The Blog

I don't really think about my Father. A friend noticed how I never talk about him. My parents got divorced not long after I was born. I grew up with my Mother telling me what a horrible man he was: he cheated on her, he stole from her and spend all her money, he lied to her, he made promises he never kept. Hearing these things over and over again, I ended up hating the guy. I didn't even want to have his name anymore: Rouhani. Where is the point of having to name of someone who doesn't care?

My big brother remembered him better as he was older. We used to spend some time with our Father but I don't remember much. I have vague memories at being at his house with his new wife. She had two children. And I remember one day when we went to the swimming pool.

Then we didn't see him anymore. All I can remember was this feeling of waiting and waiting and waiting for him. He used to turn up really late with some lame excuses or he didn't show up, with more lame excuses if he dared to contact our mother. I remember feeling rejected and abandoned. I didn't want to be left at home alone with my uncle. I wanted my Daddy to come and rescue me.

I can see how in some of my major relationships, I ended up with men whose behaviour reflected my Father: they were late but never bothered telling me. They didn't turn up without contacting me. Some of them lied. I was easily forgotten. And I was waiting and waiting and waiting for them to come back and to love me. Even now, I hate people being late and not contacting me.

For instance, I had panic attacks if my boyfriend,18 years ago, didn't come back home. If the man in my life was late for a meet up I used to get really angry and anxious. If he said :"I will call you at this time." I would keep an eye on the clock until it was time for him to contact me. If I didn't receive a call or, at least a message, I grew very anxious and would end up contacting him just to remind him of my presence in their life. I needed to relieve my anxiety. I also used to behave this way with my friends. Now, I have transformed this within my friendships. I don't experience that sort of intense anxiety.

This is why, rejection or relationship endings of any kind hurt me so bad, for so many years. This is why I can re-experience abandonment so easily. It used to drive me to self harm or off my will to live. I don't act in those extreme ways anymore but the emotional impact can still, sometimes, be really traumatising.

A few years ago, I was 26, I decided to look for my father. Thanks to Google, I, instead. found my half little brother, F who eventually got me in touch with our paternal grandfather. Dad finally called me. I heard his voice for the first in my adult life. I was too young when he left for me to remember it. He made the promise to come and visit me in London. He never kept it. I didn't really expected him to. I wasn't surprised nor was I disappointed.

I am still scared of getting too close to someone, but now that I am more aware of my anxiety and of my abandonment issues I can think of ways to manage better. Honesty with myself and with the person involved is key I guess.

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Abandonment issues are linked to neglect. A child needs her mother, yes, but she also needs her father. Her relationship with her father is the first relationship with the opposite gender and is therefore very important. This is the first connection that will set her an example for her adults relationships. If Dad was emotionally and physically present as well as loving, a young woman has more chance to have secure relationships later in life. If, however, Dad was never home or was home but not paying much attention to his daughter, that can leave deep scars in a little girl's heart. She might grow up with deep rejection and abandonmentissues. These issues might trigger Co-dependency behaviour, Love Addiction behaviour which are both about control really. This young girl might also feel guilty, thinking if Daddy isn't home, it is her fault, maybe she is unlovable. She might also experience little self esteem. A little boy looks up at his father as a model on how to become a man in this world. Without a father around, the little boy might feel lost. I have seen it with my big brother who grew up missing his dad so much, it had an averse effect on his mental health.

Society has some strict rules for fathers and a lot of them are out dated: the main role of a father is too provide, to show little emotions and get on with life. A new father is given little parental leave when his child is born. Somehow, it gives the message that fathers are not as needed for emotional support. There is also very little support for men who suffer from post natal depression and other mental health difficulties that arise in a man's life. It is only in recent years that I noticed groups for Dads!

Basically a child needs her mother and father both present and loving. Without one or the other, or any of them, a young kid might grow up feeling a big emptiness and an heavy heart, trying to figure out what is wrong with him. After all if mummy and daddy doesn't love you, who will? This heart-breaking question again. Growing up with no one to turn to is terrifying, lonely and so sad.

How do we heal from such a lose? I don't think we can recover from it in an instant. Again it is something we can't rush. We might have to deal with our coping mechanisms before being ready to deal with the real pain we pushed deep inside of us. Let's not allow others pushing us towards a resolution. This isn't so much about forgiveness but about letting go. In order to let go though, we need to feel a lot of pain first, there is no other way around it.

What was/is you relationship with your Father? What impact did it have on your life? Where are you in your recovery from you relationship with your Father? Feel free to comment below.

Sylvie

To read the first two Feeling And Grieving Our Losses instalments, please click on the links below

Grief

The Unloving Mother

Have look at: https://thefathercode.com/the-9-devastating-effects-of-the-absent-father/