Winter Turns into Spring - The Blog
Feeling and Grieving Our Losses
We mostly associate grief when someone close to us dies but, there are so many other instances when we can experience the cycle of grief, such as the loss of a job, a romantic relationship breaking apart, losing a home or the end of a friendship.
When we were sexually abuse as children, we missed out on a lot of things like a loving mother, a safe place to go home to, our innocence, a happy childhood, our sanity, our virginity ... The list is really long. A lot of things have been stolen from us too. There are so many things adults survivors need to feel and grieve. It is a painful process and it feels rather lonely.
The model explaining the grieving process most accurately and the most popular is the Kubler-Ross 5 Stages of Grief:
- Denial
- Anger
- Bargaining
- Depression
- Acceptance
Other models add two more stages to the five previous one:
- Shock/disbelief
- Guilt
I personally don't think it matter which model we follow. It is important to know that this process doesn't happen as it is listed. It is a painful, messy and confusing journey! We can feel acceptance one day and feel very angry the next, which can add to the confusion and give us the impression we are far from moving on!
On the subject of moving on , there is so much pressure to do so. No, it doesn't happen overnight (we all wish it would!) It might take a few days, a few months, a decade or two. It might even take a lifetime! Just as anything else in recovery, I believe that there are things that can never go completely away and it is about learning to live well with whatever is going for us. We live in a society that want quick fixes for everything, well, grieving and moving on can't be rushed . Whatever we push down, deep within us, will come back right up, like a Jack in The Box, sooner or later.
When we were sexually abused as children, we missed out on a lot of things like a loving mother, a safe place to go home to, our innocence, a happy childhood, our sanity, our virginity, etc... The list can be really long. A lot of things have been stolen from us too. There are so many things adult survivors need to feel and grieve.
Recently, as part of my recovery work, I wrote a long list of the things I have lost or that have been taken away from me, as a result of the incest, the physical, emotional abuse and the neglect I was the victim of as a child:
- A mother's love and care - being and feeling loved, wanted and safe
- A father's love and presence
- A loving and close family
- Happy and safe childhood
- Happy and safe home to go back to
- Happy, loving and respectful romantic relationships
- Happy and respectful friendships
- Support and encouragement to be myself and in pursuing my dreams and my goals (not having a job I love and supports my life as a result)
- My dreams and my goals.
- Confidence, self-love and a healthy and loving relationship with myself/ Inner Children
- My body - exploring it at my pace and in a healthy
- A healthy, respectful and loving sex life
- A joy for life (Joie de vivre)
For the next few weeks, I will write about each loss as I suspect I am not the only who has such a list. I invite you to think about your own losses and to share your thoughts on the comment section below.
We don't have to grieve alone anymore.
Sylvie
©sylvierouhani2018
