Winter Turns into Spring - The Blog

This year, my two maternal grand parents died. My grand mother passed away first and my grand dad died last month. I didn't see them for a very long as I went No Contact with most of my family. The news of each of death didn't bring any sadness for me.

Both of my grand parents were abusive to their children. My grand mother was particularly cruel, especially to my mother. My grand dad was a bit of a pervert. He once gave me the advice that, in order to keep a man, a woman must be good in bed and in the kitchen. They used to invite me over during the school holidays. It wasn't because they loved me but to get back to my mother. It was while on one of those holidays that my grand mother told me how her own mother used to abuse her - being locked in a cupboard came up. She only told her children years later.

Child sexual, verbal and emotional abuse as well as neglect were strong patterns in my family, being passed down from one generation to another. Men abusing the young girls and boys in the family. One mother abusing and failing to protect her children after another. I remember how, at a young age, I promised myself that, if I ever had children, I will not abuse them. I will be a loving and caring mother. I pledged with myself not to be like HER.

When being told about each of my grand parent's death, I felt weird not to grieve them. It felt sort of empty. Normally when a person loses her grand parents, she feels sad, right? There aren't a lot of people I would be sad for, in my family. I have irregular contact with my half little brother but, it is about it. There is nothing attaching me to any of them. That is what is sad for me! I am grieving the happy and close family I never had. Again, it goes back to never having had someone to turn to. Each member of my family is dysfunctional in one way or another.

In order to thrive, a child needs at least one adult who love and care for her. I truly believe that in the worse situation, having that one person to turn to and to support us, no matter what happens, makes a difference. It doesn't take the trauma and its pain go away but, it makes a difference. From my own experience, growing up without anybody in the family to turn to, it is inevitable to feel unlovable, rootless, rejected, lonely and have a sense of not belonging anywhere. It is heart-breaking. This sort of heartbreak can last a life time. Healing it can also last a life time. There is no quick fix.

Whether we chose to go Limited Contact or No Contact with our family of origin, is a very personal decision to make, we shouldn't be judged either way. Each family is different, each story is different. When I first decided to finally cut ties with my mother and my family, I was told I was giving up on them, especially, that I was giving up on my mother. "She is unhappy. She did the best she could. She loved you in her own way." To be really clear: abuse, in any shape or form, isn't love! Some mothers aren't capable of loving. Entire families aren't capable of loving! I tried limited contact but it wasn't for me. I also thought of my daughter: why would I want her to be around people who hurt children?

There is a huge pressure from society and from various religious/ spiritual organisations on forgetting and forgiving the abuser, yes, even if it was your mother or father; or anybody else in the family. Some goes as far as saying that healing isn't possible unless we forgive our abusers. This is shaming and blaming! We are encouraged to stand up for ourselves in so many relationships. You have a crappy partner? Dump him/her! This friend is controlling? Find a new one! Your parents abused you? They did the best they could, they are your parents, go easy on them!

Christmas is fast approaching. For many it is a time to go back home and spend some time with their family. Yes, there is always a bit of drama of some sort when everyone gather to celebrate but, overall, people are happy and excited to see their loved ones. For others though, there is no home to go back to at all or, if there is, it isn't a happy one and the end of the year festivities are everything but joyful. All the lovely presents for mothers and fathers and uncles ect, in the shop windows, all the sweet cards to give... all these things can be a sad reminder that there will be no one by our side.

This year, my daughter will be with her father and her family. I normally find a friend to spend Christmas Eve and Day with but, this time, I am staying home with my cat. No matter who I was with and no matter what we did, I have always felt something was missing. Well, something was missing: a loving and close family I never had and will never have. I am comfortable to be on my own and to make it as cozy and as peaceful as I want it to be. I will treat myself to nice food and drinks. I will buy myself some presents too. I will ask friends if we can keep in touch, if they aren't too busy obviously so, if I feel sad, I can reach out.

What are you relationship with your family? Is Christmas bringing a lot of sadness for you? What is your self care plan over the end of the year festivities?

Sylvie

To read the first three Feeling And Grieving Our Losses instalments, please click on the links below :
Grief
The Unloving Mother
The Absent Father



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