Winter Turns into Spring - The Blog

When we were sexually abuse as children, we missed out on a lot of things like a loving mother, a safe place to go home to, our innocence, an happy childhood, our sanity etc... The list is really long. A lot of things have been stolen from us too. There are so many things adults survivors need to feel and grieve. It is a painful process and it feels rather lonely
For the next few weeks I am going to focus on the things we lost as victims and survivors of incest/ child sexual abuse and on the grieving process. In this fifth instalment of "Feeling And Grieving Our Losses", I write about Unhealthy Relationships.

One very painful effect of child sexual abuse/ incest is the hardship of experiencing healthy romantic relationships.

Our relationships with our primary carers are vital examples of what we might experience as adults in our romantic connections. For those who grew up loved and feeling safe, they have less chances in experiencing unhealthy adult relationships. For those of us who have been sexually abuse by a member of the family and had no one to turn to, not even our parents, whether we want it or not, whether we are conscious of it or not, we will very often repeat the pattern of the past.

If we have suffered so much, why would we recreate the past? We can, unconsciously. try to right the wrong of our past. We can use our adults relationships to get the love and the safety we have never experienced as children and our partners become a substitute for our parents. Sex was imposed on us at such an early age that we think that sex is the only way to get close to someone. We can create some hope and hold on to relationships that are unhealthy and abusive because being alone is too scary. We twist ourselves pretzel like, in order to please the other because we are so scared they will leave us. As a result, we might put up with mistreatment, merging with the other and forgetting about ourselves. Some of us just can't be in a relationship and build up walls so high that no one can get close. We might keep ourselves busy with our work. We might only have one night stands. Anxiety might shut us indoors. We believe the message that the abuse gave us: we are bad people and we are unlovable. We were maybe told nobody will ever love us. Chaotic and abusive connections also feel familiar, comfortable. We know what to expect.

Being sexually abused by my uncle at such an early age definitely gave me the message that it was my fault, I was a bad girl and it destroyed any chances of me later experiencing true love and intimacy. On top of the sexual abuse, I was abandoned by my father and my mother was so unhappy, she wasn't emotionally available. She was also physically and verbally abusive. She was a bully with strong narcissist traits. My step dad was quite passive or didn't notice the severity of her behaviour. I was told I was useless, stupid, ugly and miserable. I was told that whatever bad things happened to me, it was my fault. I deserved it or did something bad. I was also reminded on a regular basis that she never wanted me.

A young girl who thinks she is to blame for the bad things the adults around her tell her and do to her, will do anything to please in order to keep the peace. It is certainly true for me. My worth was measured by what I did and how well it was done. As I mentioned before, it was expected of me to clean the house, top to bottom. I was never rewarded or praised for my efforts. I was actually criticized and told how useless I was. There was no keeping the peace no matter what I was doing. Still. I tried harder, just in case my hard work was noticed. House chores were my mother biggest manipulative tool. I lived in constant fear of messing things up. I even tried to make myself as invisible as possible. This didn't work either as I was picked on for being such a miserable child/teenager.

I truly believe an unborn child feels and is very connected to her mother's emotions.

 I grew in my mother's belly feeling her disappointment and anger about expecting me. Once I was out in the world, I was the unwanted child, the inconvenience in her life. "Even as a baby you used to cry all the time! You were never happy." I recently experience such a powerful desire to be held and loved, it was physically painful. I constantly feel this unmet need for love. For many years, this feeling went unnoticed. Now I recognised this painful longing as an emotional flashback from the very early years of my life.

I found myself trying to get these very important and vital needs of love, of safety and of validation in partnership with people who were a reflection of my mother or my uncle or my father, or the three of them all in one person. I developed co-dependent and love addict behaviour. I felt ashamed for needing and wanting so much love. I felt angry with myself for getting in relationships that weren't good for my well being. I saw my co-dependent and love addict tendencies as bad things to get rid off. I even hated myself. Now I view these tendencies as the survival and defence mechanisms I created in order to survive. This behaviour was a direct effect of the abuse and is nothing to be ashamed of. The day I realised it wasn't about what was wrong with me but about what was done to me, was an important one.

I mean, of course I need a lot of love, this very important need wasn't met at all. I used dating and relationships as a way to not feel my existential pain. It is an existential pain: a child who is unloved and unwanted might find herself just wanting to die: "If mummy doesn't love me, who will? Where is the point of me/ of my existence? I might as well die." It was so much easier to look at someone else's problems and try to fix them. I gave until it hurt me so bad, I wanted to die. "If you need me. you won't leave me" thought pattern was also a strong drive behind my people fixing and pleasing. It also felt good to be needed. It boosted my self esteem, for a short time. This is when helping and caring are really about controlling. Fear of abandonment is the most painful one there is. I would have laid down my life for someone. My need of them to love me and to stay by my side pushed me to do things that were really unhealthy and nearly destroyed me.

I didn't date at all last year (2018), which is a first for me. I have been single for four years in the past but I found myself having one crush after the other. I wasn't with anyone but, I kept my mind busy projecting my fantasies of perfect love on unavailable people. Now, I know that fantasising was another way to distract myself form the pain of never being loved. As a child, in order to fall asleep, I took myself on these adventures with my last celebrity crush. I was away from home, I was loved and happy in my inner world. In more recent years, I developed a couple of friendships with men who weren't even available for this kind of relationships. The only reason these connections never crossed certain boundaries is because I had no desires to have sex as it scared me so much. Nevertheless, I repeated the pattern of "If you need me and if I help you, you will be my special friend." Special friend was a substitute for partner. I needed to feel wanted and needed.

Last year, I didn't even have a crush! I felt some attraction, I am human after all, but I was aware enough to know it was natural to be attracted to someone but, it didn't mean I needed to take action, especially as these attractions were always directed towards unavailable people. "He is so nice and cute, married, but cute." I've learned that if someone is unavailable, for whatever reason, it is best to let go and keep focusing on my recovery. The only relationship I really need to work on, right now, is the one with myself. I leave the rest to the Universe.

Sylvie

Feel free to share your thoughts, feelings and experiences using the comment section below the post. I'd love to hear from you.

To read the first four Feeling And Grieving Our Losses instalments, please click on the links below :
Grief
The Unloving Mother
The Absent Father
The Dysfunctional Family

Copyright - Sylvie Rouhani - 2019 All Rights Reserved.