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Winter Turns into Spring - The Blog
The Cocoon Phase
What I call the "Cocoon Phase" is that time, when, we are no longer a caterpillar but we aren't butterflies either. It is the moment when we are slowly and painfully experiencing , and feeling, the emotions and patterns of the past, to then let all that go and fly into our new life. It symbolises the healing process.
Unfortunately, during this "in-between space." most of the time, we are alone in this tricky situation - we might still display outdated protective behaviour and trying to come to terms with what was done to us, as children. People don't want to hang around so much, or they are too busy telling us how to speed the process up, instead of supporting us through this. If we are still struggling with deep emotional pain, and talk about it, we are labelled as pessimists, still in the "victim mentality." Most individuals find it more comfortable when we are butterflies, then we matter and we are called inspirational heroes.
The healing journey isn't full of bright butterflies, it is filled with dark cocoons. It is a gloomy and confusing place. It feels like death. Reaching this point, with Karen, my therapist at the time, I no longer knew who I was. Actually, I have never had the chance to be me. It was really distressing. I felt a lot of emotional pain. Pain I had carried since birth that needed to be gently acknowledged and accepted. I can still hear Karen telling me: "I am here. I am right with you" during a particularly difficult physical and emotional flashback.
"I am here. I am right with you." is what I needed to hear all along. I needed someone validating and genuinely wanting to support me through this long and uncomfortable process. I acknowledge those around me, when I was really unwell, did their best in supporting me. However, some were quite controlling and self-righteous, calling me "sensitive" and "vulnerable", trying to get me to heal their way. Therapists didn't take me seriously. Someone (mis)diagnosed with BPD is never taken seriously.
If people really want to be serious about helping victims and survivors of child abuse, they need to change the way to support those living in distress, because, awareness, talking about it all is great but, what really helps is a loving, caring and safe person to turn to. Talking about CPTSD is one thing, but what we really need is more listening. Active listening. It means seating back and let the other person pour their pain out. It means being fully present. It means striving to build a rapport based on trust, unconditional regards and acceptance whatever state of mind a person is right now, (even if they live in the past still). Building such a rapport takes time. There isn't any easy, quick solutions, in regards to recovering from severe child abuse. There is no A,B,C or 1,2,3 steps.
"Your recovery is 100% your responsibilities" isn't true and lacks in compassion. Trauma started in relationships and healing is through relationships. We are interconnected to each other. It is also the duty of the wider society to care for those most vulnerable. What those caterpillars need are safe and loving cocoons, and support from their community, while they go through their transformation, no matter how long it takes.
Take gentle care of yourselves.
Sylvie
** Have a look at The Blossoming Lotus, now available to purchase**
What is it Life Coaching? What isn't Life Coaching?
It is a
partnership between a Life Coach and a client.
The coach facilitates a safe space and creates a positive rapport in order for the client to identify the inner blocks to their goals, hindering their happiness. Life Coaching helps the client to identify their own goals, to find their own solutions and achieve personal growth and transformation.
Life Coaching isn’t therapy. Although we acknowledge most inner blocks have their roots in the client’s past, we don’t dwell deep on it (this is best done in a therapeutic setting), but, with the client’s permission, we can explore how the "Then and There" affects the "Here and Now", and how the client can move forward, with Self-Compassion.
If I feel a client could benefit from ongoing therapy, I will advise they do so.
My approach is trauma informed. What is trauma? What does "Trauma Informed" means and how does it fit in with Life Coaching?
Trauma is the impact any significant event that has a lasting adverse effect on an individual’s happiness and well-being. The earlier and the longer lasting the stressful event in an individual’s life, the deeper the debilitating effect on a person’s happiness and well-being are.
“Trauma-informed coaching happens when the coach understands what trauma is, how it presents in the coaching room and how to respond. All this, within established coaching boundaries and contracts.”
Julia Vaughan Smith –
Coaching and Trauma
I have personal and professional experience of trauma and have a real understanding of its impact on mind, body and spirit.
What is Self-Compassion?
Self-compassion is extending compassion to oneself in instances of perceived inadequacy, failure, or general suffering.
Dr Kristin Neff,
PhD, has pioneered and defines self-compassion as being composed of three main components –
mindfulness, common humanity, and self-kindness.
Self-compassion is facing our deepest fears, outdated self-beliefs and our perceived inadequacies with loving kindness towards oneself, by learning to take the time to acknowledge when we are hurting (Mindfulness) , by reminding ourselves how suffering is part of the our human experience and we all experience it (to some degree), we aren’t as alone as we think we are (common Humanity ) and, finally, by taking time to sooth and to love ourselves though our pain as we would with a dear friend of ours (Self-Kindness).
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How does Self-Compassion and Trauma Informed Coaching work?
Oftentimes, our deepest fears, outdated self-beliefs and perceived inadequacies, are the very things blocking us from creating a happy, fulfilled life, and building happy relationships, tailored to our needs and aspirations.
These blocks have roots in our past, whether we are aware of this or not, and will impact our thoughts, feeling and our behaviour as well as on how we perceive ourselves and the world around us. The more severe a past trauma, such as Child Sexual Abuse, the stronger the blocks, which are survival/ defence mechanisms created in childhood in order to survive extreme violence and neglect.
They are also natural responses to abuse and neglect,
when the child really has no one to turn to.
In Coaching, there is an opportunity for the client to explore how the past has an impact on the present and focus on what the client can achieve NOW by becoming their own best friend through anything life throws at them and by having compassion for what they have been through. I will provide the space, the support and some tools (such as reading materials, meditations practice etc...), when necessary, to support clients on their journey.
The coaching process will be led by the client. It will be tailored to the client’s needs, with the client’s approval.
The coaching will be most effective if the client is willing and ready to commit
100% to their journey of self-discovery and healing. During Trauma Informed and Self- Compassion based Life Coaching sessions, the client will learn to approach their biggest blocks and find their inner resources of loving kindness and compassion towards themselves.
Contact Me
Notice Board
Zoom or Teams
For those who would prefer to have their Life Coaching sessions, remotely, I use Zoom and Microsoft Team.
Venues for face-to-face sessions
TBC
Life Coaching sessions available from January 2023
My Fees
- 30 Minutes Skype/ Zoom or phone
assessment:
FREE
-
Full price
-
£80. (8 to 10 sessions
in total.)
-Concession prices: £60 (8 to 10 sessions in total.)
If you are experiencing financial hardship, such as unemployment or long-term disability, I offer limited places on concession fees. Please, contact me to discuss.
All payments via bank transfer.
