Winter Turns into Spring - The Blog

Two weeks ago, police officers knocked at my door. They were enquiring about my neighbour. I told them I haven’t seen her for months now. I had called our Housing Association to let them know and asked that someone checks up on her. The police officers presumed she moved out and didn’t let anybody know. They burst her door open. They found her dead. She had been upstairs, alone, for almost a year. Nobody checked up on her. NOBODY.

It broke my heart. I was already struggling with the chaos in our world; this shattered me. My poor neighbour has been left alone and nobody cared. My questions were:” What kind of world do we live in?” “What am I supposed to do?” I don’t belong in this cruel world where the sick, the poor and the elderly are left alone without any support nor love.

I saught refuge in my Buddhist practice (Nichiren Daishonin Buddhism). I read some guidance to remind myself that a caring, loving and peaceful world starts within me. It starts within my roles as a mother, as a friend, as a neighbour and as a citizen of the world. Real happiness is my happiness TOGETHER with others. As heal and I learn to love myself through my pain, I heal the world. Yes, there is a lot of darkness at the moment. There is no point denying it, it is there and we need to deal with it, the best we can. It is my job to shine my own light in my little corner of the world.

I also reached out to friends, who allowed me to cry, to scream, to fully express my anger, my sadness, my frustration and my pain. Then, it came up: my biggest fear is to die alone. I have no parents; no immediate family and I have no partner. Of course, my friends rejected that: “There are too many who care about you and love you. You won’t die alone.”

This summer has been a time of deep inner transformation. I have felt a lot of pain, a lot of confusion – it is hard to differentiate the “here and now” from the “there and then” when I am in emotional flashback mode. There have been mornings when I didn’t want to get up and start yet another day,alone with no one to love me. Anything hurt, anything triggered feelings of rejection and abandonment; of fear. I started to lose weight. Eating has been difficult. I have little appetite.

I practiced Mindful Self-Compassion and self-kindness. I took tender loving care of myself. I turned to Mother Luna and the Universe. I turned to my friends. I chanted and prayed for every single inner part of me who are still suffering so much. I also chanted about my weight loss. I know it is a sign of me dealing with deeply traumatic experiences. The answer came up to me soon after: I am losing weight because a part of me wants to disappear/ to die. I recently had visual flashbacks of myself alone in the dark, crying and screaming for my mother. My throat started to hurt as I re-lived this. I couldn’t breathe. I was scared but, still, nobody came to sooth me. I re-experienced the terror of dying alone. Then, I had desire to die: “I am not wanted here. She (Mum) doesn’t want me. She doesn’t love me. I might as well die.”

I returned to my Buddhist altar and chanted for this part of me who was telling me: I WANT TO DIE. I send her tender loving care and lots of love. It wasn’t the time to tell her to think positive. It wasn’t even the time to tell her she wasn’t alone anymore or to offer other reassuring words. It was time to feel her pain and desire to die without judging, without trying to make it better. This desire needed to be felt fully.

I have felt compassion and even admiration towards myself for, somehow, choosing life. As an unwanted child, as an abused little girl and teenager, as a lost young woman,in my darkness moments, I have always chosen life. “How am I still here?” I once asked a friend. He replied that I was strong. Another friend said: “I hope that part that wants to live is stronger (than the part that wants to die.)” It is definitely stronger. It is tired though. I am tired.

As all my energy is going towards living each day as best I can, I have put my Life coaching practice aside. Now isn’t the time to push myself. "Fake it until you make it" isn't the way forward. It is important to acknowledge when it is time to pause, to rest, to take loving care of ourselves so we can go back into the world. For our own light to shine our little corner of the world, we need to recharge.

Please, take gentle care of yourself. Please, reach out, you don’t have to suffer alone. Please, check up on your closest and dearest. We all get busy, distracted, caught up in our own lives, of course, we do, but let’s not take anyone for granted anymore. I don’t want to take anyone for granted anymore. I am learning to open my heart a little bit more, scary I know. I am learning to say stuff like “I love you, I care about you, you are awesome, I miss you.” If someone is in my life, I might as well treasure this person

To Viola, with Love and Light.

 http://winterturnsintospring.co.uk/when-recovery-is-painful

Sylvie