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Winter Turns into Spring - The Blog

Sexual Assault Awareness Month (but who really cares?}

By Sylvie Rouhani • 17 Apr, 2024
#SAAM - the Sexual Assault Awareness campaign is this month. I wish I could write such things as: "If you have experienced sexual assault or rape, please go to the Police, talk to someone, anyone who could help you though this." Sadly, I can't because the reality is the experiences of victims and survivors of SA are still being dismissed, minimised, if not used as opportunities to further hurt those who are seeking help.

Our Mental Health and Society

By Sylvie Rouhani • 08 Apr, 2024
Mental health services in the UK have always been hard to access. In the last past 5 years, they can no longer meet the needs of the increasing numbers of suffering individuals. The recuring question is "Why are more and more people diagnosed with depression/ADHD/ BPD? ETC" So, what is happening?

Living with "Chronic Loneliness"

By Sylvie Rouhani • 08 Mar, 2024
What I call " Chronic Loneliness", others calls it "Attachment trauma", is the heart breaking, gnawing feeling that I am all alone, and frightened - knowing fully well I am not wanted here. There is no love here. This is something I live with every single day of my life. Some days. it is barely noticeable, other days, it is overwhelming, but it is always there, within me. I've learned to accept it with tender loving care, I am not going to lie: it hurts.

Christmas Cheers and Christmas Tears

By Sylvie Rouhani • 18 Dec, 2023
The end of the year 2023 is near. While we are forced fed Christmas joy everywhere, some of us, victims and survivors of child abuse and ,estranged from their immediate family (parents and siblings), this time of the year can be very painful. The holidays can bring up so much Christmas tears, while everyone else is caught up in Christmas cheers.
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 What does self-care mean for us, survivors of child sexual abuse? We are bombarded by "self-care lists" on social media. Sometimes, it seems we are asked to distract ourselves from our pain. This week, I share my thoughts and experience of self-care.


Not so long ago I posted, on Twitter and on Instagram, a list of things that I do on a regular basis that helps me when I have a difficult day (or two, or three…) Here is the list:

•    Reading
•    Writing
•    Walking in the park
•    Binging on Grey’s Anatomy, The Big Bang Theory and MindHunter
•    Meeting up with friends
•    Cuddling my cat
•    Have warm bubbly baths
•    Meditating, praying and chanting
•    Colouring my hair
•    Doing my nails
•    Staying in bed and resting (Sometimes I do a lot of that)
•    Volunteering (When I feel well enough to do so)

As we go through social media, we come across similar lists with hopeful title such as: “10 things to do to turn a bad day into a good one.” Or “20 things to do to feel better.” There are promises that if we do a thing or two on our list, we will definitely feel better.


Years ago, unfortunately I attempted suicide. After an overnight in the hospital, I was referred to the Home Treatment Team (HTT). For a week, I had a member of this team coming over at mine to check up on me. I remember on particular guy asking me: “Do you still feel suicidal?” Well, let’s just say I felt shit, really shit. He came up with a list of suggestion: “Did you try and read the newspaper? Did you try to have a walk? A bath?" I laughed. It wasn’t a happy laugh. I was mocking him. “Don’t you think I haven’t tried any of these things?” Because I had! I had tried everything he told me and more. The thing was, nothing worked, NOTHING! I reached the point where, whatever I was doing, I felt nothing but this gnawing emotional pain. I wanted to die. I even went on a day trip to Brighton as my last attempt to get some fresh air and get a better perspective. I came back in London defeated by my suffering.


Self-care is an important part of recovery, of course it is. Sometimes though, I feel like it is used to distract or minimize what is going on for someone. Those things on my list soothe me, give me some relief but, most of the time, I do these things and I still feel the pain. If we practice self-care to stop the pain, or to distract us from it, I am afraid it won’t work. The shattered expectations of relief only add more pain. This was definitely my experience. “I did everything they tell you to do and it doesn’t work! I just want to die.” Most of the time, the pain is there to be felt and all we really need is a trusted friend or/and therapist to hold space for us while we face our deepest wounds. 



Another subject appearing on those self-care lists, on social media, is gratitude. Gratitude is, it seems, the magic wand that makes everything better. I’ve read something today: “You can rewire your brain to be happy by simply recalling 3 things you’re grateful for everyday for 21 days.” I don’t like the word “Simply” there is nothing simple about the brain and about rewiring it. It is possible but, “21 days”, really? I don’t think so!


In regards to the impact CSA has on young children and on their young brain, 21 days is totally unrealistic. It can take years to rewire our brain, to recover. It can take a lifetime! Sometimes, while we work hard on our recovery, we can’t think of one thing to be grateful for, not because we are ungrateful, selfish brats but because we are suffering.  It took me years to understand I could be grateful for the good things in my life and also feel down by its challenges. I can be grateful and still feel pain. We are human being who can experience many emotions at once. We need to be aware of both the light and the darkness in our lives. We need to embrace both.


Gratitude too, definitely has a place in recovery but I find it is often used as a guilt trip or as a tool to shame survivors or victims of CSA. Did you ever shared your pain with someone who then told you: “Be grateful!” sometimes even adding: “Think of those who have it worse than you.” How is that helpful? Where is the compassion in that?


It is understandable to want to be rid off the pain. Unfortunately there is no instant secret trick to overcome the mental and emotional impact of CSA. Believe me, I wish there was! Don't we all? As I briefly mentioned above, it is by fighting to ignore or push away our suffering that it gets unbearable. It isn't so much about what is on our self-care list but the intention behind it. If we do these things to distract or to ignore the pain, more will follow but, if it is an act of self love, because we are suffering, we will be able to sit with our emotions and feel compassion for ourselves.


 This was my experience anyway. When I started to acknowledge my pain and lovingly sooth myself through it, understanding it is there not because I am somehow defective but because I am suffering, I began to feel relieved. I was not longer carrying self-hatred, guilt and its friend shame, on top of my trauma. For instance I recently spend a couple of days in bed. Last year, I would have felt so lazy and ashamed of myself for having a "bad" day. This week, I knew I wasn't lazy. I was feeling really low and I had a funny stomach. I needed to rest and to take loving care of myself, the best I could, and I did.


Guess what? it took a lot of repetition and gentle perseverance for me to really feel compassion towards myself (my Inner Children included) Sometimes, I still get frustrated and very unhappy about suffering with Depression, Anxiety and C-PTSD. It isn't fun to have regular visual and emotional flashbacks; to lack energy, to have disturbed nights. Sometimes, I wish I was "normal". It's ok. I am human, some days are easier than others.

So, I will definitely add Self-compassion to my self-care list.

Sylvie

For more information on Self=compasssion:
https://self-compassion.org
Official website for Dr. Kristin Neff, pioneering self-compassion researcher, author, ...
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All Rights Reserved | Sylvie Rouhani

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