Winter Turns into Spring - The Blog

I wanted to die. I didn't see the purpose of me being alive! I was exhausted. I was in so much pain. I prayed:" Please, let me die. Let me go. I've tried so hard to do the right things and to have a happy life but, I can't do this. I am tired." I really thought my daughter was better off without me. She had her family, she was ok. I thought I wouldn't be missed. I was sure to be one of  the worst mother ever.

There wasn't a day I didn't cry and when I started, I couldn't stop. I walked aimlessly in parks, crying, rocking back and forth, disconnected from my environment. "Surely, there is something I can do? Please show me what I need to do!!" I pleaded with the Universe. At one point, every night, I planned to kill or hurt myself the next day.

I was bombarded with advice: "Now you can rebuild. You will find another partner. You will have a new home." Others were more judgemental: "Pull yourself together. Be positive." I was asked if I really wanted to get better. "The abuse is all in the past, you are an adult now." or "Why don't you just get a full time job, save money and get your own place?" I was told I was selfish for wanting to kill myself. I didn't want to take responsibility for my life. Some friends kept reminding me that everything will be ok.

The thing was though: nothing was ok! If I could have been positive. if I had had the ability to pull myself together and get a job etc... believe me, I would have done! "Do you have a magic wand?" I joked. Instead of being asked what happened to me for experiencing so much pain and despair, I was asked what was wrong with me, and what was I prepared to do to sort myself out. To my therapists' standards, I wasn't doing well enough. As for me, I believed my emotional pain were signs of weakness and that, as I was told, I was a failure.

Now, when I look back, I understand I wasn't weak or  too needy or too much or not enough or whatever: I was in pain, experiencing the worse emotional flashbacks. I was this little girl. alone, in danger, rejected and abandonned.  I feel this deep sadness as I write this. Sadness and sorrow... I looked back at the 35 years old Sylvie and I tell her: " I am so sorry you were all alone and in so much pain. A pain I didn't understand yet but, now, I do understand. You are not alone. I am so proud of you."

It's been a slow recovery. It is a recovery that is ongoing. Attending CoDependent Anonymous (CODA)  meeting. A friend of mine from a buddhist organisation invited me. I am so glad I did. I was also reading Bagage Reclaim, Natalie Lue's Blog about relationships. I discovered I wasn't alone having unhealthy or abuse realtionships, while holdong on to dear life to any crumbs thrown at me. I logged on the Love Addict Anonymous website and forum. I wouldn't suggest going on there though. It turned out to be quite an unhealthy site to visit. It helped for awhile but it was best for me to leave it.

My friendships changed as they do I guess. Slowly, I replaced the judgemental/ unavailable behaviour prominent in my connections. I miss some lovely people too but, I get it: we meet for a purpose and then you part. Life changes, individual changes. I am someone who grieves intensely so, it always tears me apart to say goodbye to anyone, even if it is the best thing to do.

My relationship with my daughter is so very precious. The first step was for me to forgive myself and make amend in my prayers and actions. Working the CODA 12 Steps helped with that process. I now know I was never a crap mother. (I have never threatened to kill her or hurt her or insulted her, so. just for that I get a gold star, thank you) We had an open conversation about everything that happened. She knows she can turn to me and that I will always support her. She knows that, although, I don't always agree with some of her decisions, I love her and always will. She knows that her mother isn't always right and have emotions. We are a team.

I have a home that I love. I still have nightmares about being homeless, of losing everything... "I am safe." I have never felt safe. Unfortunatey, someone tried to break into my flat ,last November, so telling myself: "I am safe." didn't work for awhile. I pray for protection for myself and for my neighborhood every night. I double lock everything too!!

The two areas of my life I still feel unfulfilled are my romantic life and my work life.

It has been 3 years since I've dated someone. 6 years since my last "serious" relationship. I had a little crush or two, but nothing I wanted to do anything about. It is so much better in my head full of dreams! I still don't like the idea of sex... That could be a major obstacle for dating. I am not sure!! I crave a good hug and some kisses sometimes though. I crave having someone "special" to share my life with. I seem to still be attracted to unavaible people, which frustrates me. I feel so many conflicting emotions about sex and romance, I just try not to think about too much. It will happen when it happens and, in the meantime, I want to focus with my relationship with myself/ Inner Girls.

It has been 6 years since my last paid job. I have studied and trained. I volunteered supporting a charity who supports protective parents and carers of sexually abused children (MOSAC). Last year, I really focused on my dream to become a paid freelance journalist and writer. I published two articles for Welfare Weekly. I entered different writer's competition... I tried to work out the social media scene to share my website. I am still not sure what I am doing. I am trying to create a life that suits my mental and physical needs. I'd have a few months when I am full of energy and active, amidst my physical and mental health challenges but, then, my C-PTSD takes over. I push myself because I don't want to give up what I am working so hard to achieve. I crash. Time out. The time outs last a few weeks to a few months.  My inability to be active always brings up my Inner Critical Mother: "You are lazy. You are worthless. Why don't you just get on with it?" I feel guilty for not being well enough to have a good regular income. I feel sometimes guitly for being on Benefits. In the UK, it is even more difficult when the entire government is persecuting vulnerable people. "Jobless doesn't mean worthless" yes, but we live in a society where "Jobless" (or sick) is viewed as worthless.  I am fighting for the right to heal at my own pace, for the right of a life best suited to me.

Right now, the best I can do for myself is to focus on one day at the time. When my anxiety strikes, I  use this little "mantra": Yesterday is done, I did my very best. Tomorrow isn't here yet, so I don't have to worry about it (so much)." This process involves trust in the Universe, in myself and a bit of letting go too, on a daily basis.

P.S: To the next 40 years!!! I am ready!