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Winter Turns into Spring - The Blog

Sexual Assault Awareness Month (but who really cares?}

By Sylvie Rouhani • 17 Apr, 2024

#SAAM - the Sexual Assault Awareness campaign is this month. I wish I could write such things as: "If you have experienced sexual assault or rape, please go to the Police, talk to someone, anyone who could help you though this." Sadly, I can't because the reality is the experiences of victims and survivors of SA are still being dismissed, minimised, if not used as opportunities to further hurt those who are seeking help.

Our Mental Health and Society

By Sylvie Rouhani • 08 Apr, 2024

Mental health services in the UK have always been hard to access. In the last past 5 years, they can no longer meet the needs of the increasing numbers of suffering individuals. The recuring question is "Why are more and more people diagnosed with depression/ADHD/ BPD? ETC" So, what is happening?

Living with "Chronic Loneliness"

By Sylvie Rouhani • 08 Mar, 2024

What I call " Chronic Loneliness", others calls it "Attachment trauma", is the heart breaking, gnawing feeling that I am all alone, and frightened - knowing fully well I am not wanted here. There is no love here. This is something I live with every single day of my life. Some days. it is barely noticeable, other days, it is overwhelming, but it is always there, within me. I've learned to accept it with tender loving care, I am not going to lie: it hurts.

Christmas Cheers and Christmas Tears

By Sylvie Rouhani • 18 Dec, 2023

The end of the year 2023 is near. While we are forced fed Christmas joy everywhere, some of us, victims and survivors of child abuse and ,estranged from their immediate family (parents and siblings), this time of the year can be very painful. The holidays can bring up so much Christmas tears, while everyone else is caught up in Christmas cheers.

Happy New year 2020, everyone.
A new year can be exciting for some, very scary for others or, sometimes, a little bit of both. There is so much pressure out there to better ourselves by setting some new goals and intentions. I gave it some thoughts and determined to carry on with what I have started in 2019: giving myself more self-compassion. So, what is Self-Compassion? What is its place in recovery from Child Sexual Abuse?

I started last year with some Life Coaching. The plan was to finally become a paid writer. My Coach used some exercises from the Playing Big book, by Tara Mohr, to acknowledge and to interact with my Inner Critic. I found out my Inner Critic was my Mother critisizing me, putting any of my good work down, reminding me I was useless and will not achieve anything of value. There was no surprise there! I got angry at her and told her to shut up. She had already made my life miserable by breaking my spirit. However, I was adviced to approach this Inner Critic with compassion. I tried but it didn't feel right. It felt more cathartic to tell her to just leave me alone while declaring I was now in charge of my life, thank you very much!

My Coach also adviced me to purchase another book: Self-Compassion by Kristin Neff, PhD - leading expert in Mindful Self-Compassion (MSC) I had read so many self help books in the past decade, I didn't really want to get another one. I am glad I eventually did because I have discovered the tools I really needed at this stage in my life.

As so many of you know, our recovery journey is one stepping stone at the time. We are peeling layers upon layers of pain. Seeking answers, I became a member of different spiritual/ religious organisations. What they all had in common was teaching how, essentially, to get rid of pain (sometimes called negativity, demons, the enemy) ... by, very often, rejecting it, minimising it and denying it. I tried and tried to be this peaceful being rising above my gnawing inner suffering, to no avail. What was wrong with me? I prayed it away, energy healed it away, chanted it away... It never went away. It was still there, tearing me apart.

In Self-Compassion, the one thing I have learned was to love myself through my pain. First, it is necessary to acknowledge its existence, its inevatability in life (sad, I know) and to then pause to sooth myself: "I am sorry you are hurting." I listened to the free Self Compassion Meditations. I felt this warm and loving energy in my chest area.

Kristy Neff, PhD, explains there are 3 key elements of Mindful Self-Compassion (MSC):

Mindfulness: Acknowledging the pain/ discomfort "I am hurting right now." or "I am really having a though time." I found listening to the meditations very helpful as I was a newbie. These mediations helped me to reach a mindful state and by repeating the little "mantras", I felt warmth as I placed my hands on my heart (See 3. Self Kindness)
Commom Humanity: Recognising pain/ suffering is part of the human experience, We all experience it. "I am not alone." or "Others must feel this way, at some point in their life" Realistically, it is true: every single human being experiences suffering in one form or another.We all experience change, (mental or physical) illnesses, financial difficulties, relationship discordect. the list goes on and on. This step isn't about minimising our own challenges but to reconnect with our fellows human beings. It makes sense to me to pray/ chant for my happiness TOGETHER with others.
Self Kindness: self soothing by gently talking to ourselves/ inner self "I am sorry you are sad/ angry/ suffering right now. I am here for you. hold on." A gentle stroke on the arm, a self hug, or hands on one's chest might also help. This helps me to go back to my body and to show myself (my Inner Girls) how much I care about myself.

I took to repeat the self-soothing/ caring/ loving at least once a day, more when it is a tough one. I do it walking in the park, in the bath, in bed... anywhere, really. A year later, I can share how slowly, I have started to hear less of the Inner Critic and more of me. My Inner dialogue is much more encouraging, empathic and gentle. It made me think back, 5 years ago, when I was in total despair. i thought I was needy, stupid and "mental", as I used to say. Now I can see how I was deeply, deeply suffering. I needed love and support. At the time, my Inner Critic was a dominant force and most people around me described me as "difficult." There was no compasion from a lot of poeple (including from myself).

Reading Pete Walker's two amazing books (The Tao of Fully Feeling: Harvesting Forgiveness Out of Blame & Complex CPTDS: From Surviving to Thriving) I found out it is actually necessary for survivors of childhood trauma and neglect, to get angry with the Inner Critic/ the Critical Inner Parent. I enjoyed setting some strong inner boundaries. "No, you have no right to talk to me like this!." I even allow myself to be rude!

Recently, my mental health detariorated, as a results of triggers and pushing myself a bit too much. There were moments of total despair during the last few months of 2019. I stopped volunterring. I stopped writing my blog and articles. There was nothing new with the emotional pain, the nightmares, the sleepless night, the low mood ect ... What has changed is the way I treated myself. It wasn't always easy. It is in our instinct to get rid off the pain. I rememebred it wasn't about getting rid off the pain but about loving myself through this darkness. I sometimes felt frustrated with myself, with the Universe, with Life itself. At my lowest, I didn't want to die or to hurt myself but I didn't know how to live anymore. I felt hopeless and helpless. I was scared. How much pain can one person take, right? I held on. "I know it is painful and shit right now. I am so sorry for what you have been through (as a child) and for what you are going through now, as a result of the abuse. It isn't easy and you are still standing!!" Well. I was moslty laying down in my bed but, you know, I was alive! I am alive and this, in itself, is my biggest achievement.

Sylvie

Resources:

Kristy Neff, PhD

https://self-compassion.org/

https://self-compassion.org/category/exercises/#guided-meditations

Self-Compassion and The Mindful Self-Compassion Workbook (available on her website and Amazon)

Pete Walker, M.A

http://www.pete-walker.com/

Published articles & book excerpts available on his website.

Tara Mohr

https://www.taramohr.com

https://www.taramohr.com/the-playing-big-book/

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What is it Life Coaching? What isn't Life Coaching?

It is a partnership between a Life Coach and a client.

The coach facilitates a safe space and creates a positive rapport in order for the client to identify the inner blocks to their goals, hindering their happiness. Life Coaching helps the client to identify their own goals, to find their own solutions and achieve personal growth and transformation.

Life Coaching isn’t therapy. Although we acknowledge most inner blocks have their roots in the client’s past, we don’t dwell deep on it (this is best done in a therapeutic setting), but, with the client’s permission, we can explore how the "Then and There" affects the "Here and Now", and how the client can move forward, with Self-Compassion.

If I feel a client could benefit from ongoing therapy, I will advise they do so.

My approach is trauma informed. What is trauma? What does "Trauma Informed" means and how does it fit in with Life Coaching?

Trauma is the impact any significant event that has a lasting adverse effect on an individual’s happiness and well-being. The earlier and the longer lasting the stressful event in an individual’s life, the deeper the debilitating effect on a person’s happiness and well-being are.

“Trauma-informed coaching happens when the coach understands what trauma is, how it presents in the coaching room and how to respond. All this, within established coaching boundaries and contracts.” Julia Vaughan Smith – Coaching and Trauma

I have personal and professional experience of trauma and have a real understanding of its impact on mind, body and spirit.

What is Self-Compassion?

Self-compassion is extending compassion to oneself in instances of perceived inadequacy, failure, or general suffering. Dr Kristin Neff, PhD, has pioneered and defines self-compassion as being composed of three main components – mindfulness, common humanity, and self-kindness.

Self-compassion is facing our deepest fears, outdated self-beliefs and our perceived inadequacies with loving kindness towards oneself, by learning to take the time to acknowledge when we are hurting (Mindfulness) , by reminding ourselves how suffering is part of the our human experience and we all experience it (to some degree), we aren’t as alone as we think we are (common Humanity ) and, finally, by taking time to sooth and to love ourselves though our pain as we would with a dear friend of ours (Self-Kindness).

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How does Self-Compassion and Trauma Informed Coaching work?

Oftentimes, our deepest fears, outdated self-beliefs and perceived inadequacies, are the very things blocking us from creating a happy, fulfilled life, and building happy relationships, tailored to our needs and aspirations.

These blocks have roots in our past, whether we are aware of this or not, and will impact our thoughts, feeling and our behaviour as well as on how we perceive ourselves and the world around us. The more severe a past trauma, such as Child Sexual Abuse, the stronger the blocks, which are survival/ defence mechanisms created in childhood in order to survive extreme violence and neglect. They are also natural responses to abuse and neglect, when the child really has no one to turn to.

In Coaching, there is an opportunity for the client to explore how the past has an impact on the present and focus on what the client can achieve NOW by becoming their own best friend through anything life throws at them and by having compassion for what they have been through. I will provide the space, the support and some tools (such as reading materials, meditations practice etc...), when necessary, to support clients on their journey. The coaching process will be led by the client. It will be tailored to the client’s needs, with the client’s approval.

The coaching will be most effective if the client is willing and ready to commit 100% to their journey of self-discovery and healing. During Trauma Informed and Self- Compassion based Life Coaching sessions, the client will learn to approach their biggest blocks and find their inner resources of loving kindness and compassion towards themselves.

Contact Me

If you are interested and ready to transform your life, with self-compassion and tender loving care towards yourself, please, contact me for a FREE 30-minute Skype/ Zoom or phone assessment.

(See Notice Board below for more info)

I am looking forward to hearing from you,

Sylvie

Call Me

Contact Us

Notice Board

Zoom or Teams

For those who would prefer to have their Life Coaching sessions, remotely, I use Zoom and Microsoft Team.

Venues for face-to-face sessions

TBC

Life Coaching sessions available from January 2023

My Fees

- 30 Minutes Skype/ Zoom or phone assessment: FREE

- Full price - £80. (8 to 10 sessions in total.)

-Concession prices: £60 (8 to 10 sessions in total.)

If you are experiencing financial hardship, such as unemployment or long-term disability, I offer limited places on concession fees. Please, contact me to discuss.

All payments via bank transfer.

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