Winter Turns into Spring - The Blog
The Mental Health Awareness Week' s theme was "Move for your mental health." Social media platforms were drowning in posts and reels from the all main mental health charities and fitness gurus/ influencers, sharing the benefits of physical exercises on our mental health. This theme didn't take into account the many complexities of mental illnesses/ distress.
We, human beings, are the only species on the planet who don't meet our children's emotional needs and don't understand the importance of attachment. Most of the time, parents - especially, mothers- aren't to blame: society teaches us to separate from our babies as soon as they are out of the womb. We are warned not to let our infants getting to attached to us, when, in truth, attachment is vital for their growth and well-being;. Without a secure and loving attachment, to their primary carer, kids will experienced great difficulties as adults and some might not even survive.
#SAAM - the Sexual Assault Awareness campaign is this month. I wish I could write such things as: "If you have experienced sexual assault or rape, please go to the Police, talk to someone, anyone who could help you though this." Sadly, I can't because the reality is the experiences of victims and survivors of SA are still being dismissed, minimised, if not used as opportunities to further hurt those who are seeking help.
Mental health services in the UK have always been hard to access. In the last past 5 years, they can no longer meet the needs of the increasing numbers of suffering individuals. The recuring question is "Why are more and more people diagnosed with depression/ADHD/ BPD? ETC" So, what is happening?
Mothers' Day is fast approaching. Everywhere we look, there are decorations and cards reminding us to celebrate mothers. However, for those of us who have been abused and whose mother didn't protect us (and abused us a bit more), Mothers' Day brings up a lot of conflicted emotions.
sContrary to what most people might think. not all mothers are loving and caring. The birth of a child doesn't always trigger this wave of unconditional love from a woman to her child.Some mothers are abusive. Whether it is because of a woman's own history of abuse and neglect. addictions, or because of stress, it doesn't matter: the damage to the child is the same. This is what I am going to focus on: the impact on the child.
The sexual abused I suffered at the hands of my uncle was horrible and devastating enough but, unfortunately, I had a mother who, from the time of my existence in her womb, didn't want me. I grew up hearing the following story: "One day, I nearly lost you and the doctors asked me if I wanted them to save you. I didn't want them to but your Father was there so I agreed for them to do everything to keep you." Apparently, I was a difficult baby. I was always unhappy and crying all the time. Then, I turned into this stupid, lazy, ugly girl. There was nothing I could do to pacify her anger towards me. Now I know, without a doubt: she hated me and really wished I wasn't here, on this earth. She was verbally and physically violent. With an abscent father, I grew up with no one to turn to.
Here is what Pete Walker
writes about Neglect, abuse and their impact on the young victim,
"Unrelenting criticism, especially when it is ground in with parental rage and scorn, is so injurious that it changes the structure of the child’s brain." and "Traumatic emotional neglect occurs when a child does not have a single parent or caretaker to whom she can turn in times of need or danger, and when she does not have anyone for an extended period of time who is a relatively consistent source of comfort and protection. Growing up emotionally neglected is like nearly dying of thirst just outside the fenced off fountain of a parent’s kindness and interest. Emotional neglect makes children feel worthless, unlovable and excruciatingly empty, with a hunger that gnaws deeply at the center of their being, leaving them starving for human warmth and comfort [...] ."
He also dives into the impact on children's brain development which leads to a lot of painful challenges in teenagehood and adulthood. This is so important to understand how the brain is impacted: when adult survivors of abuse and neglect are being told it is all in the past, they are all grown up now, this isn't true! The brain has been wirred in such way that the abuse is still real and present NOW. These indivuals are still suffering tremendously and need all the loving support they can get. Re-wiring a brain is possible (we call this neuroplasty) but it is a very lengthy process that can take a life time. I am always really suspiscious of anyone claiming they can help survivors transforming their lives in a few sessions.
For many years, I was a member of a buddhist organisation and, just as in many other religious organisation, members were encouraged to show respect to and repay their debts of gratitude to their parents, especsilly the mother as she gave us birth. "What if she abused you?" I often asked. The answer often was: "Well, she was obvioulsy suffering. She did her very best ,with what she knew. You need to show a little bit of compassion." I tried to be this grateful and understanding daughter: to no avail as she was still abusing me. This only triggered my existing Fawn (Co-dependent) response. When I made the very important decision to sever all ties with her (and the rest of the family) I was told I shouldn't give up on her. I left the organisation.
"I did my best." was something I heard everytime I challenged her on her abusive behaviour. "I was all alone." and "You have always been a difficult child." Excuse, another excuse and blame. When a mother is abusing and neglecting her children, she isn't doing her best! When a mother threatens to kill her child (as mine did to me), she isn't doing her best. If she abandonned and hurt you she is guilty. She doesn't deserve your love or your gratitude or your loyalty.
Telling a survivor to do otherwise is victim shaming and abusive. Whether someone choses to keep contact or to cut contact is a very personal issue and nobody has the right to tell another what to do and how to feel. The compassion needs to be directed to the victims and survivors but, not to the abusers.
Actually, I have an good undesrtanding of why my mother is the way she is. Indeed, she suffered a lot, she has been through some horrible things, BUT ABUSE IS NEVER AN EXCUSE FOR MORE ABUSE!
As Mothers we all have a choice to make. I made the choice to take myself to therapy for my happiness and wellbeing, of course, but, also for my daughter's. I have made some mistakes (No mothers are perfect!) but I admitted them and I made amends by changing my behaviour. That is what we call taking full responsibility for yourself. This is what it means to do your best!!
I remember asking once a therapist if I was a bad mother, she answered: "If you are asking yourself then, you are not a bad mother." Most mothers who abuse their children don't ask themselves if they are being good mothers. If you challenge them, they will tell you you are too sensitive. You are making things up or blowing things up to silly proportions. They will never, NEVER stop to even think about their own behaviour and the impact it has on those around them. So next time, you feel overwhelmed, because being a mother is overwhelming (and scary), if you ask yourself: "What the F am I doing? Am I even good at this?" you can pause and think, actually, you might need a break (even just a loo break counts. if you can grab it.)
For a very long time, I was scared of being like my mother with my girl. There was nothing nobody could say to appease me: at some point, I really thought I was the worst mother ever! "She doesn't need me, I might as well die." Now I know I am the best mother I can be. I love and protect my daughter, every step of the way. I always remind her she can turn to me and tell me anything, even if she thinks she did something really wrong. We all make mistakes and she is learning along the way, just as I am. I will never leave her alone in distress or in sadness. NEVER! This is what I want to celebrate for Mothers'Day this year: the strong bond I have with this amazing young woman. She will probably forget to send me her wishes, she is a teenager now, but, I will take myself out to celebrate! After all, mama needs to have fun!!
Sending you much love on Mother's Day.
Related Article: http://winterturnsintospring.co.uk/TheUnlovingMother
Sylvie
