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Winter Turns into Spring - The Blog

Sexual Assault Awareness Month (but who really cares?}

By Sylvie Rouhani • 17 Apr, 2024

#SAAM - the Sexual Assault Awareness campaign is this month. I wish I could write such things as: "If you have experienced sexual assault or rape, please go to the Police, talk to someone, anyone who could help you though this." Sadly, I can't because the reality is the experiences of victims and survivors of SA are still being dismissed, minimised, if not used as opportunities to further hurt those who are seeking help.

Our Mental Health and Society

By Sylvie Rouhani • 08 Apr, 2024

Mental health services in the UK have always been hard to access. In the last past 5 years, they can no longer meet the needs of the increasing numbers of suffering individuals. The recuring question is "Why are more and more people diagnosed with depression/ADHD/ BPD? ETC" So, what is happening?

Living with "Chronic Loneliness"

By Sylvie Rouhani • 08 Mar, 2024

What I call " Chronic Loneliness", others calls it "Attachment trauma", is the heart breaking, gnawing feeling that I am all alone, and frightened - knowing fully well I am not wanted here. There is no love here. This is something I live with every single day of my life. Some days. it is barely noticeable, other days, it is overwhelming, but it is always there, within me. I've learned to accept it with tender loving care, I am not going to lie: it hurts.

Christmas Cheers and Christmas Tears

By Sylvie Rouhani • 18 Dec, 2023

The end of the year 2023 is near. While we are forced fed Christmas joy everywhere, some of us, victims and survivors of child abuse and ,estranged from their immediate family (parents and siblings), this time of the year can be very painful. The holidays can bring up so much Christmas tears, while everyone else is caught up in Christmas cheers.

Mothers' Day is fast approaching. Everywhere we look, there are decorations and cards reminding us to celebrate mothers. However, for those of us who have been abused and whose mother didn't protect us (and abused us a bit more), Mothers' Day brings up a lot of conflicted emotions.

sContrary to what most people might think. not all mothers are loving and caring. The birth of a child doesn't always trigger this wave of unconditional love from a woman to her child.Some mothers are abusive. Whether it is because of a woman's own history of abuse and neglect. addictions, or because of stress, it doesn't matter: the damage to the child is the same. This is what I am going to focus on: the impact on the child.

The sexual abused I suffered at the hands of my uncle was horrible and devastating enough but, unfortunately, I had a mother who, from the time of my existence in her womb, didn't want me. I grew up hearing the following story: "One day, I nearly lost you and the doctors asked me if I wanted them to save you. I didn't want them to but your Father was there so I agreed for them to do everything to keep you." Apparently, I was a difficult baby. I was always unhappy and crying all the time. Then, I turned into this stupid, lazy, ugly girl. There was nothing I could do to pacify her anger towards me. Now I know, without a doubt: she hated me and really wished I wasn't here, on this earth. She was verbally and physically violent. With an abscent father, I grew up with no one to turn to.

Here is what Pete Walker writes about Neglect, abuse and their impact on the young victim,

"Unrelenting criticism, especially when it is ground in with parental rage and scorn, is so injurious that it changes the structure of the child’s brain." and "Traumatic emotional neglect occurs when a child does not have a single parent or caretaker to whom she can turn in times of need or danger, and when she does not have anyone for an extended period of time who is a relatively consistent source of comfort and protection. Growing up emotionally neglected is like nearly dying of thirst just outside the fenced off fountain of a parent’s kindness and interest. Emotional neglect makes children feel worthless, unlovable and excruciatingly empty, with a hunger that gnaws deeply at the center of their being, leaving them starving for human warmth and comfort [...] ."

He also dives into the impact on children's brain development which leads to a lot of painful challenges in teenagehood and adulthood. This is so important to understand how the brain is impacted: when adult survivors of abuse and neglect are being told it is all in the past, they are all grown up now, this isn't true! The brain has been wirred in such way that the abuse is still real and present NOW. These indivuals are still suffering tremendously and need all the loving support they can get. Re-wiring a brain is possible (we call this neuroplasty) but it is a very lengthy process that can take a life time. I am always really suspiscious of anyone claiming they can help survivors transforming their lives in a few sessions.

For many years, I was a member of a buddhist organisation and, just as in many other religious organisation, members were encouraged to show respect to and repay their debts of gratitude to their parents, especsilly the mother as she gave us birth. "What if she abused you?" I often asked. The answer often was: "Well, she was obvioulsy suffering. She did her very best ,with what she knew. You need to show a little bit of compassion." I tried to be this grateful and understanding daughter: to no avail as she was still abusing me. This only triggered my existing Fawn (Co-dependent) response. When I made the very important decision to sever all ties with her (and the rest of the family) I was told I shouldn't give up on her. I left the organisation.

"I did my best." was something I heard everytime I challenged her on her abusive behaviour. "I was all alone." and "You have always been a difficult child." Excuse, another excuse and blame. When a mother is abusing and neglecting her children, she isn't doing her best! When a mother threatens to kill her child (as mine did to me), she isn't doing her best. If she abandonned and hurt you she is guilty. She doesn't deserve your love or your gratitude or your loyalty. Telling a survivor to do otherwise is victim shaming and abusive. Whether someone choses to keep contact or to cut contact is a very personal issue and nobody has the right to tell another what to do and how to feel. The compassion needs to be directed to the victims and survivors but, not to the abusers.

Actually, I have an good undesrtanding of why my mother is the way she is. Indeed, she suffered a lot, she has been through some horrible things, BUT ABUSE IS NEVER AN EXCUSE FOR MORE ABUSE! As Mothers we all have a choice to make. I made the choice to take myself to therapy for my happiness and wellbeing, of course, but, also for my daughter's. I have made some mistakes (No mothers are perfect!) but I admitted them and I made amends by changing my behaviour. That is what we call taking full responsibility for yourself. This is what it means to do your best!!

I remember asking once a therapist if I was a bad mother, she answered: "If you are asking yourself then, you are not a bad mother." Most mothers who abuse their children don't ask themselves if they are being good mothers. If you challenge them, they will tell you you are too sensitive. You are making things up or blowing things up to silly proportions. They will never, NEVER stop to even think about their own behaviour and the impact it has on those around them. So next time, you feel overwhelmed, because being a mother is overwhelming (and scary), if you ask yourself: "What the F am I doing? Am I even good at this?" you can pause and think, actually, you might need a break (even just a loo break counts. if you can grab it.)

For a very long time, I was scared of being like my mother with my girl. There was nothing nobody could say to appease me: at some point, I really thought I was the worst mother ever! "She doesn't need me, I might as well die." Now I know I am the best mother I can be. I love and protect my daughter, every step of the way. I always remind her she can turn to me and tell me anything, even if she thinks she did something really wrong. We all make mistakes and she is learning along the way, just as I am. I will never leave her alone in distress or in sadness. NEVER! This is what I want to celebrate for Mothers'Day this year: the strong bond I have with this amazing young woman. She will probably forget to send me her wishes, she is a teenager now, but, I will take myself out to celebrate! After all, mama needs to have fun!!

Sending you much love on Mother's Day.

Sylvie

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What is it Life Coaching? What isn't Life Coaching?

It is a partnership between a Life Coach and a client.

The coach facilitates a safe space and creates a positive rapport in order for the client to identify the inner blocks to their goals, hindering their happiness. Life Coaching helps the client to identify their own goals, to find their own solutions and achieve personal growth and transformation.

Life Coaching isn’t therapy. Although we acknowledge most inner blocks have their roots in the client’s past, we don’t dwell deep on it (this is best done in a therapeutic setting), but, with the client’s permission, we can explore how the "Then and There" affects the "Here and Now", and how the client can move forward, with Self-Compassion.

If I feel a client could benefit from ongoing therapy, I will advise they do so.

My approach is trauma informed. What is trauma? What does "Trauma Informed" means and how does it fit in with Life Coaching?

Trauma is the impact any significant event that has a lasting adverse effect on an individual’s happiness and well-being. The earlier and the longer lasting the stressful event in an individual’s life, the deeper the debilitating effect on a person’s happiness and well-being are.

“Trauma-informed coaching happens when the coach understands what trauma is, how it presents in the coaching room and how to respond. All this, within established coaching boundaries and contracts.” Julia Vaughan Smith – Coaching and Trauma

I have personal and professional experience of trauma and have a real understanding of its impact on mind, body and spirit.

What is Self-Compassion?

Self-compassion is extending compassion to oneself in instances of perceived inadequacy, failure, or general suffering. Dr Kristin Neff, PhD, has pioneered and defines self-compassion as being composed of three main components – mindfulness, common humanity, and self-kindness.

Self-compassion is facing our deepest fears, outdated self-beliefs and our perceived inadequacies with loving kindness towards oneself, by learning to take the time to acknowledge when we are hurting (Mindfulness) , by reminding ourselves how suffering is part of the our human experience and we all experience it (to some degree), we aren’t as alone as we think we are (common Humanity ) and, finally, by taking time to sooth and to love ourselves though our pain as we would with a dear friend of ours (Self-Kindness).

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How does Self-Compassion and Trauma Informed Coaching work?

Oftentimes, our deepest fears, outdated self-beliefs and perceived inadequacies, are the very things blocking us from creating a happy, fulfilled life, and building happy relationships, tailored to our needs and aspirations.

These blocks have roots in our past, whether we are aware of this or not, and will impact our thoughts, feeling and our behaviour as well as on how we perceive ourselves and the world around us. The more severe a past trauma, such as Child Sexual Abuse, the stronger the blocks, which are survival/ defence mechanisms created in childhood in order to survive extreme violence and neglect. They are also natural responses to abuse and neglect, when the child really has no one to turn to.

In Coaching, there is an opportunity for the client to explore how the past has an impact on the present and focus on what the client can achieve NOW by becoming their own best friend through anything life throws at them and by having compassion for what they have been through. I will provide the space, the support and some tools (such as reading materials, meditations practice etc...), when necessary, to support clients on their journey. The coaching process will be led by the client. It will be tailored to the client’s needs, with the client’s approval.

The coaching will be most effective if the client is willing and ready to commit 100% to their journey of self-discovery and healing. During Trauma Informed and Self- Compassion based Life Coaching sessions, the client will learn to approach their biggest blocks and find their inner resources of loving kindness and compassion towards themselves.

Contact Me

If you are interested and ready to transform your life, with self-compassion and tender loving care towards yourself, please, contact me for a FREE 30-minute Skype/ Zoom or phone assessment.

(See Notice Board below for more info)

I am looking forward to hearing from you,

Sylvie

Call Me

Contact Us

Notice Board

Zoom or Teams

For those who would prefer to have their Life Coaching sessions, remotely, I use Zoom and Microsoft Team.

Venues for face-to-face sessions

TBC

Life Coaching sessions available from January 2023

My Fees

- 30 Minutes Skype/ Zoom or phone assessment: FREE

- Full price - £80. (8 to 10 sessions in total.)

-Concession prices: £60 (8 to 10 sessions in total.)

If you are experiencing financial hardship, such as unemployment or long-term disability, I offer limited places on concession fees. Please, contact me to discuss.

All payments via bank transfer.

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