Winter Turns into Spring - The Blog
The Mental Health Awareness Week' s theme was "Move for your mental health." Social media platforms were drowning in posts and reels from the all main mental health charities and fitness gurus/ influencers, sharing the benefits of physical exercises on our mental health. This theme didn't take into account the many complexities of mental illnesses/ distress.
We, human beings, are the only species on the planet who don't meet our children's emotional needs and don't understand the importance of attachment. Most of the time, parents - especially, mothers- aren't to blame: society teaches us to separate from our babies as soon as they are out of the womb. We are warned not to let our infants getting to attached to us, when, in truth, attachment is vital for their growth and well-being;. Without a secure and loving attachment, to their primary carer, kids will experienced great difficulties as adults and some might not even survive.
#SAAM - the Sexual Assault Awareness campaign is this month. I wish I could write such things as: "If you have experienced sexual assault or rape, please go to the Police, talk to someone, anyone who could help you though this." Sadly, I can't because the reality is the experiences of victims and survivors of SA are still being dismissed, minimised, if not used as opportunities to further hurt those who are seeking help.
Mental health services in the UK have always been hard to access. In the last past 5 years, they can no longer meet the needs of the increasing numbers of suffering individuals. The recuring question is "Why are more and more people diagnosed with depression/ADHD/ BPD? ETC" So, what is happening?
Child Sexual Abuse already gives us the message that we are bad, undeserving of love, care and protection. As well as being sexually abused, some of us grew up with neglectful and unloving parents. Maybe it is the effect of the lockdown but, recently, I faced the very core of my pain: I am not loved.
**Trigger Warning** Mention of sexual coercion, please take care of yourself when reading.
I've lost count of the days we have all been in lockdown. I am really missing my daughter (she lives nearby, with her Dad) and my friends too. Video chats are good but they don't replace the human proximity I sometimes need, like any other human beings.
A few weeks ago, I had a couple of rough days: my hormones kicked in which made me sick and terribly sad. My recurring nightmares got more vivid. I woke up feeling low and sad. I took some time off from the Life Coach Diploma to get some rest. I am lucky I have friends who love me even when I am grumpy! Something came up while I was chanting: "I want someone to love me!!".
I am normally filled with shame when I feel this gnawing need for love. "Why am I so needy?"
When I have a crush (It happens, I am only human. I have two eyes and a beating heart!!) I feel terribly bad: "Here we go again...*sight*..."
The other day, I wrote about some of my unmet needs. Love is the biggest need there is for us, humans. In order to grow and thrive, a vulnerable infant needs a loving touch, in the warmth and the safety of her mother's arms. Actually, in her book "Coaching and Trauma",
Julia Vaughan Smith
writes that trauma bonding starts in utero, for the child. This reminded me of my mother telling me she was devastated to learn she was pregnant with me as she didn't want me at all. I grew in the womb of a woman who didn't want nor loved me. I was made to feel ashamed and needy for something I needed so much to thrive as I began my life.
"Nobody loves me."
came up next. This was from my Small Inner Child. I felt her pain: it was physical as well as emotional. I felt her sadness, her loneliness and how frightened she was. I saw myself, as a small girl, looking around for love, for kindness but the adults around me are too busy, they don't see me, they don't love me. My inner wisdom was telling me what I was feeling were emotional flashbacks from my pre-verbal years. I normally would jump in saying: "I feel your pain but, it isn't true anymore: you have lots of people who love you. " Last week, I tried a different approach, with Mindful Self-Compassion. When I heard: "Nobody loves me."
again, I acknowledged it. I made space for my feelings and emotions without trying to make it better or coming with some positive affirmations, such as "I am loved". What the small girl within me needed was for me to listen to her. After all the relationships and the many other distractions I have used for so many years in order not to hear this voice crying for help, not to feel the pain, I decided to love myself/ my Inner Childen through this. This pain used to drive me to self- harm in so many ways: cutting, starving myself, overworking, overdosing and holding on to unhealthy relationships. There were time when my suffering overwhelmed me so much, I felt I was going to die from it or, that I wanted to die. It was time to stay still with it all. I was ready. This is a process we can't rush. This time, I knew I was not going to die from feeling so much pain. I soothed myself. I wrote some little notes of love. "I am here, you don't have to go through this on your own anymore. I am sorry you aren't loved and cared for. I am so sorry you are so lonely and frightened. I love you."
A friend open up to me about their wants and needs in a romantic relationship. I haven't thought of that for awhile. I remembered when I had my long list of what would be the perfect partner for me. It was getting longer every year!! I chanted and prayed about it so much!! So, I asked myself: "What do I want from a romantic relationship?"
I heard it loud and clear: "I want someone to hold me!!"
A sharp physical pain shook me. My body, my entire being was aching to be held, to be soothed in a tender, loving embrace. I put my hands on my heart: "I am holding you, You can lean on me. I will catch you."
Flashbacks from my last relationship surfaced: 6 years ago, through therapy, it became clear to me I needed to explore safe, non-sexual touch. As I had never experienced this sort of touch as a child, I wanted to try it out. It didn't go well with my ex partner.
Soon after, when I wanted a hug from my ex, to get close to him and to kiss him, but, he refused, because he didn't want to get turned on (God forbade he got a hard on!! What to do then?). He pushed me away. This crushed my heart. Another day, he asked me how long the sex break would last. I felt guilty and gave in.
One of the hardest thing to come to term with is the fact that nobody can replace my parents and give me the love my parents should have given me. No one. Nor can I expect a romantic partner to do so, or my friends or even my daughter. This is something I will never experience. For years, I used to get angry when I heard or read: "Love yourself. Be the parent you never had." I thought: "What? So, my parents didn't love me and I have to do it for them? This isn't fair."
It took years to really grasps what it meant for me and, by practicing Mindful Self-Compassion
(MSC), I now know what self-love is. Here is another process that take time. As we heal and grow more authantic, we naturally come to love and respect ourselves (and our "inner parts")
Nowadays, I don't have a romantic "wish list" anymore. I let the Universe show me the way. What I do know is that I need a connection with someone I can share a mutually
loving, trusting, caring and respectful relationship, (Interestingly, these are exactly the traits I have been building within myself, with MSC, for the last year.) Someone who can stay by my side when I am happy, sure, but also when I am sad or upset or grumpy. I am learning to love myself especially when I am sad, upset and grumpy!
Please, take good care of yourself, as much as you can anyway, in this difficult time.
Sylvie
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