Winter Turns into Spring - The Blog

For the last five years, my circle of friendship has changed tremendously. A lot of the troubles I experienced within my romantic connections, I also experienced with some of my friends.  Because I knew what it felt like to be abandonned, it didn't matter how unreliable and selfish some individuals were, I stuck by them. "They are suffering, why shouldn't I be there for them?" Just as within my romances, I got hurt and was totally disrespected but, came back.

The other day, I was studying the "Anger and Compassion" chapter of Kristin Neff and Chris Germer's Mindful Self-Compassion Workbook. FIrst, they remind us that it isn't anger that is the problem but the way we view it and deal with it, is. In some New Age, spiritual teachings and some religions, anger is the enemy. It is the opposite of Love, therefore it needs to be rid off. I was once reproached for choosing the path of anger! I just pointed out that it is how we use anger that is important. Yes, I was/ am angry but this anger, is the driving force behind this website and this blog or any other ways I raise awareness about Child Sexual Abuse.

I noticed that when I am angry, it is often times because I am hurting. In the MSC Workbook, K.N and C.G, call emotions such as anger and ressentment ,"hard emotions." Behind this hard emotions, are the "soft emotions", like hurt, sadness or loneliness. Going a little bit deeper: each "soft emotions" corresponds to an unmet need. When we meet anger with self-compassion, "I am angry, This is difficult for me right now." we soften our hearts and we can recognise that it is a very human emotion and a natural one in the face of danger, when we are hurt. Then we can sooth ourselves and, maybe, gently, take notice of our softer emotions and sooth ourselves a bit more.

Thinking about former friendships I still feel strong emotions about (I am someone who grieves intensely) I was able to list a few unmet needs. The need of safety, the need of bonding to another, the need of being  cared for and, most important of all, the need to be loved. Recently, I have been facing the shame I feel for the gnawing need I have to be loved ( I will get more into this in the my next article). Another one came up very strongly for me: the need of being respected. I grew up with adults who demanded I respect them when they didn't respect me at all.

What I learned in the recent years, was that no matter how much I understand someone else's suffering (as well as how we all deal with suffering in our own way) and no matter how much I love and care for them, sometimes the best thing for me to do is to let go. I am a very sensitive and caring person, for a very long time I thought the only way to support someone was to do everything I could do for this person. Now I know that, sometimes, the only thing, the BEST thing for me to do for someone is to pray. Even if it is just a "I hope you are well and safe. I am thinking of you"

As in romantic connection, it takes two people to keep a friendship going. I believe, that , amist our personal troubles, we need to show up, or at least to communicate. I am writing this from the point of view of my experiences when, I often found myself alone in times where I needed real support. I have been in situations where I kept knocking on closed doors for someone to tell me , from the other side: "Sorry, I am suffering too much right now!" Sometimes, there was only silence. The rejection and the abandonnemnt I felt were emotional flashbacks of my childhood neglect. Someone not responding doesn't make this person "toxic". It means they are in so much pain, it makes them unavailable. Some are busy, always so busy. Maybe keeping busy is the way they deal with their inner turmoil. It isn't always helpful to linger on why someone isn't available though, the result is the same: they aren't available!! It is much healthier, when the time is right, to focus on what we can do to take care of ourselves. For me it is feeling compassion for my anger, my sadness and gently facing my painful rejection and abandonment issues. I am learning to love myself through it all. I am becoming my own BFF!

And people just change!! We tend to forget, but, nobody is the same person they used to be 10 years ago. Sometimes life happens, as we say, and people grow apart. It hurts like hell, it is natural. We take it personally (I certainly do), this too, is natural. Once our emotions cool off, we can start to think about what  the other person was going through, We are humans who have been hurt on a deep level, we hurt and sometimes, when all we feel is pain, it is hard to be present for another. It is important to set strong boundaries and take care of us as well: no matter how much we want to be there for someone they might not be able to receive your support, and there is not much we can do. The hardest thing to learn, for me, was to turn to those who were available to have a mutually supportive connection. I was determined not to settle for crumbs in my romances and I didn't want to settle for crumbs in my friendships either.

As I no longer talk to my family, my friends have become my family. It is beautiful but, it made me feel vulnerable at times. When I was sick, or in hospital, it was when I felt the most lonely and scared: "I have no family and no partners and my friends are adults with their families and their partners. They have someone they can call when they aren't well."

I am not alone during this lockdown: I contact or ,I am contacted, on a daily basis by my closest friends. I am so grateful for the love, the care, the support, the laugther, the deep conversations... Existing friendships are deepening and new ones are flourishing. Now more than ever, we need to hold on to each other.

One thing for sure: once this is over, I am going to hug a lot of people.

Take good care of yourselves,