Winter Turns into Spring - The Blog

I grew up deprived of love, joy, safety; in an emotionally and financially poor household. I grew up hoarding money, and forever feeling guilty of treating myself and for nurturing myself. I often felt I didn't deserve anything nice and that my needs weren't important. As a young woman, although I left my childhood home. the feelings, patterns and beliefs of deprivation came with me.  Today, after years long process, I am called to leave deprivation behind and to welcome more abundance into my life.

Generally, when we think of abundance, the first thing coming into our mind is money, or the accumulations of material things. Those things are definitely part of the flow of abundance but, for the last few weeks, I discovered, through my daily routine of meditation and self-reflection, that abundance is much more than cash flow.

I grew up in a poor household, not only financially but, also, emotionally deprived. It impacted me for most of my adult life. My mother's first husband ,and my father, used to take all the money and run away. This left my mother without money to feed us. Sometimes  the lights would be off as she couldn't pay the energy bills. Even when she re-married and was more secure, I heard of her stories of abject poverty. She always told us there wasn't enough money to treat us. It was hard to believe her when our little brother seemed to always get what he wanted and needed. As I mentioned in a previous blog article. Free to be Happy, my mother loved denying me anything I asked for or would offer something, just to cruelly tell me, I wasn't allowed to have it. The message was clear: I wasn't allowed, nor was I worthy of nice things and experiences. Every penny needs to be saved up. Life is hard and only hard work pays off - but let's not set any hopes up!

I ended up working more than 40 hours a week, behind bars, saving up my money, but skipping holidays. The trip to Greece never happened. I needed to save more money and work harder. I  once worked an entire year without annual leave. Every time I spend money, I got this sick feeling and used to only buy the bare minimum to live on.

After years of trying to be like everybody else by juggling single motherhood, studying, volunteering, then working, waking up extra early to get my daughter to her childminder, as well as trying to manage a worsening mental health (running, running, running) , I crashed and was moved on to ESA benefits. 10 years later, I am still unemployed, in the traditional sense. For along time, I had to deal with feelings of laziness and guilt. As a child my physical and emotional difficulties weren't taken seriously, as an adult ill and unemployed, I am still being judge and put down "for not getting a proper job."

As a child, I loved writing stories and decided I would be a writer. As a teenager, I wrote poems. As I grew up, as a results of my mother constant put downs, I forgot about being a writer: all my energy was used up to survive her abuse. Last year, at the tender age of 42 years old, I put all my forgotten poems in a booklet form and send it to as many publishers as I could and, soon, this book will be published! My hope isn't to be rich and famous but, to just earn enough money to be comfortable and so I can take care of me and my daughter. I'd love to buy a little cottage, to have my own home and not longer being financially restricted.

As a young working woman, I had enough funds to travel the world, but didn't feel deserving enough and wanted to accumulate more to feel safe and secure. I was always feeling as if there was never enough. I was deeply unhappy. Then I became homeless (moving in a women's refuge) and had no money, but I managed  to get everything my daughter needed. And, them years later, I was again homeless and living in care, again, living on very little. Long after, I was offered a social housing flat. I experienced a deep fear of losing not just money but EVERYTHING. I finally reached a point where, I save a little , treat myself a little, and pay my bills. I've found a balance within my budget.

The first thing to address was the sense that I didn't deserve a full life - writing, travelling, having a safe home and a stable income that meets my needs and my daughter's. This wasn't something new, but, this time, I felt ready to reflect on and to feel the pain of a long life, based on deprivation, with love and self-compassion. I spend some quality times with the inner parts of me who experience those painful feelings. wrapping them up with love.

Meditating on abundance, I felt guided to look around me and at my life, for forms of abundance: I became more aware of the abundance of nature, of energy, connections (community, friends and family), breath (each breath is so precious), of support and Love (Universal love. Love from friendships, my cat and from my daughter). With the awareness of all this abundance, I also felt gratitude for all these precious things and beings in my life. With all these wonderful feelings, I found an abundance of creativity (my mind buzzing with ideas for articles) and a new opportunity to contribute, as a writer and journalist, fighting for those, who like me, are ridiculed because, they aren't able to work  (9 to 5, Monday to Friday, up to 48 hours, for a miserable salary) As I write this, another opportunity to write my story for organisation, supporting young people who are feeling suicidal, came up. 

This fear of losing everything comes up form time to time, as I forged on a creative path, as a writer of poems, as an activist and freelance journalist/Blogger. I am determined to follow the way that feels right to me, so I can take loving care of myself - my mental and physical well being ( I suffer from a form a muscular dystrophy/ congenital myopathy, hindering my mobility as well as suffering with CPTSD.) I am determined to experience all the abundance the Universe showers upon me, and by acting on the guidance I receive, to fully embrace the flow of goodness within me and all around me.

Right now, my life might not be abundant in cash flow, but it is filled with love, connections, creative opportunities and inspirations, and, so many more other things and beings, precious to me. I know the rest will fall into place as I go along. I'll keep you updated!

Take gentle care of yourselves,

Sylvie

Find below, a lovely meditation from "Great Meditation" YouTube channel. I hope you enjoy it and finds it helpful, as much as I do.