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Winter Turns into Spring - The Blog
Free to be Happy
Recently, during meditation, I heard a young inner part of me, loud and clear: "I am not allowed to be happy." I had just received the publication date for The Blossoming Lotus, my up-coming poetry book. Instead of excitement, I felt suddenly depressed. How do I get this inner part to enjoy life itself, with all its milestones along the way? How do I break the "not allowed to be happy" rule and allow myself to fully experience joy?
For most writers, getting a publishing date for their book is an occasion to celebrate. After days of waiting for this date, when it arrived in my mail box, I felt my heart racing, my stomach fluttering and my palms sweating. A few years back, I'd be asking myself what was wrong with me or, I'd be questioning why I don't feel happy and proud of this achievement. This time around though, although I didn't fully understand my reaction to good news, I knew I needed to feel it. My mother was there, in the background of my mind.
One night, as I was listening to a sleep meditation, with some positive affirmations, when I heard: "Free to feel joy." My heart jumped - it is the best way I can describe it. It was uncomfortable but, it was clear to me, my low mood was linked to NOT feeling free to experience joy and happiness. The next morning. during meditation, I heard a young inner part, loud and clear; "I am not allowed to be happy. Mum doesn't want me to be happy." This inner part felt total despair and a deep sadness. My heart did another somersault, and I felt my face muscles drop, my jaw shaking as if I was a child about to burst into tears. I tried to rectify my facial expression but, couldn't. I relaxed into it and felt to full force of her despair. My body started to shake a little. I breathed into all of this and then, opened my eyes and grounded myself as I had just experienced a powerful shift.
I later understood what happened: I fully embodied this young inner child. The body shaking signified a release of energy. For the rest of the day, I let all my emotions and experience settle down and guide me. I had flashbacks of instances when my mother would ask me if I wanted some new shoes, or this dress, just to say: "Well, you can't have it." There was a day when I laughed and she demanded I stop laughing. By my late teens, I had forgotten about my deepest desires/ dreams and dared not to ask for anything anymore. And, yes, there were many occasions that proved life was shit, I didn't deserved nice things or I certainly wasn't to expect to achieve anything of value and to get an easy ride.
For those who declare "Happiness is a choice." as if all we have to do is decide to be happy and, then instantly experience delight, it is simply not true for someone who has been abused throughout their childhood and, had to give up hope to survive. Hearts, lives and dreams have been shattered and few lucky ones are supported well enough, in adulthood, to go on leading a fulfilling and joyful life. It takes time, patience and tender loving care into nurturing a brain wired for survival into a brain wired for simply enjoying being alive.
I kept breathing loving kindness, and self-compassion through these intense emotional and visual flashbacks. I reached out to my friends who understand that, for me, it is hard to fully relax into this amazing experience it has been, so far, to write and to get my poetry book published! It is a bit hard when, people around me are so excited and keep on congratulating me! I kept having this "something isn't quite right" feeling, as if I was expecting something terrible to happen. As if, I was doing something wrong in achieving my dream of becoming an author!
When I asked this young inner part what she needed from me, the answered: "Don't leave me!" Most of my inner parts asked me not to leave them, and to ,please, love them. I validate their painful experiences and their feelings, and then I see them getting cosy within my heart centre, being showered in unconditional love. I then, gradually, feel them relax. I keep meditating on the guidance I receive a lot at the moment: "Let the Universe love you, support and guide you. You are no longer alone. You are the Universe/Light/Love in a human form. Focus on your loving relationships with everything single inner precious parts of you and everything else will fall into place."
During these time of shifting and processing. I can feel emotionally drained. I feel more sensitive too. In times like this, I repeat my favourite motto: "Gently does it." There are times for action or inner work, and there are times for rest.
Take gentle care of yourselves.
Sylvie
- For Inner Parts work, check out Dr Richard Schwartz's Internal Family System -IFS
- For Self-Compassion, go to Dr Kristin Neff's website: Self-Compassion
- Read: Experiencing More Joy and Fun in My Life
- The YouTube channel Great Meditation has lots of wonderful meditations - 5 mins to an hour long . This channel has helped me a lot. I highly recommend it. Click in the link below.
What is it Life Coaching? What isn't Life Coaching?
It is a
partnership between a Life Coach and a client.
The coach facilitates a safe space and creates a positive rapport in order for the client to identify the inner blocks to their goals, hindering their happiness. Life Coaching helps the client to identify their own goals, to find their own solutions and achieve personal growth and transformation.
Life Coaching isn’t therapy. Although we acknowledge most inner blocks have their roots in the client’s past, we don’t dwell deep on it (this is best done in a therapeutic setting), but, with the client’s permission, we can explore how the "Then and There" affects the "Here and Now", and how the client can move forward, with Self-Compassion.
If I feel a client could benefit from ongoing therapy, I will advise they do so.
My approach is trauma informed. What is trauma? What does "Trauma Informed" means and how does it fit in with Life Coaching?
Trauma is the impact any significant event that has a lasting adverse effect on an individual’s happiness and well-being. The earlier and the longer lasting the stressful event in an individual’s life, the deeper the debilitating effect on a person’s happiness and well-being are.
“Trauma-informed coaching happens when the coach understands what trauma is, how it presents in the coaching room and how to respond. All this, within established coaching boundaries and contracts.”
Julia Vaughan Smith –
Coaching and Trauma
I have personal and professional experience of trauma and have a real understanding of its impact on mind, body and spirit.
What is Self-Compassion?
Self-compassion is extending compassion to oneself in instances of perceived inadequacy, failure, or general suffering.
Dr Kristin Neff,
PhD, has pioneered and defines self-compassion as being composed of three main components –
mindfulness, common humanity, and self-kindness.
Self-compassion is facing our deepest fears, outdated self-beliefs and our perceived inadequacies with loving kindness towards oneself, by learning to take the time to acknowledge when we are hurting (Mindfulness) , by reminding ourselves how suffering is part of the our human experience and we all experience it (to some degree), we aren’t as alone as we think we are (common Humanity ) and, finally, by taking time to sooth and to love ourselves though our pain as we would with a dear friend of ours (Self-Kindness).
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How does Self-Compassion and Trauma Informed Coaching work?
Oftentimes, our deepest fears, outdated self-beliefs and perceived inadequacies, are the very things blocking us from creating a happy, fulfilled life, and building happy relationships, tailored to our needs and aspirations.
These blocks have roots in our past, whether we are aware of this or not, and will impact our thoughts, feeling and our behaviour as well as on how we perceive ourselves and the world around us. The more severe a past trauma, such as Child Sexual Abuse, the stronger the blocks, which are survival/ defence mechanisms created in childhood in order to survive extreme violence and neglect.
They are also natural responses to abuse and neglect,
when the child really has no one to turn to.
In Coaching, there is an opportunity for the client to explore how the past has an impact on the present and focus on what the client can achieve NOW by becoming their own best friend through anything life throws at them and by having compassion for what they have been through. I will provide the space, the support and some tools (such as reading materials, meditations practice etc...), when necessary, to support clients on their journey.
The coaching process will be led by the client. It will be tailored to the client’s needs, with the client’s approval.
The coaching will be most effective if the client is willing and ready to commit
100% to their journey of self-discovery and healing. During Trauma Informed and Self- Compassion based Life Coaching sessions, the client will learn to approach their biggest blocks and find their inner resources of loving kindness and compassion towards themselves.
Contact Me
Notice Board
Zoom or Teams
For those who would prefer to have their Life Coaching sessions, remotely, I use Zoom and Microsoft Team.
Venues for face-to-face sessions
TBC
Life Coaching sessions available from January 2023
My Fees
- 30 Minutes Skype/ Zoom or phone
assessment:
FREE
-
Full price
-
£80. (8 to 10 sessions
in total.)
-Concession prices: £60 (8 to 10 sessions in total.)
If you are experiencing financial hardship, such as unemployment or long-term disability, I offer limited places on concession fees. Please, contact me to discuss.
All payments via bank transfer.
