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Winter Turns into Spring - The Blog
Self-Compassion: taking care of ourselves when we are suffering.
After a very challenging 2020, it is more important than ever for us to turn towards ourselves with loving kindness and compassion, especially when we are going through difficult times. For many survivors of Child Sexual Abuse, the pandemic is bringing up a lot of old pains and more challenges. How can we practice Self-Compassion?
In his book, The mindful Path to Self-Compassion, Christopher Germer, PhD, describes self-compassion as acceptance of ourselves while we are in pain. When we practice self-compassion, we are learning to take care of ourselves because we are suffering. This entails giving up the idea of getting rid of suffering and, instead, gently turning our awareness towards it.
Years ago, I was feeling suicidal. I tried everything I could possibly do to elevate my mood - daily walk to the park, reading, chanting, painting, writing. I even booked a day trip to the sea side. Nothing seemed to work and my despair grew. I overdosed and ended up in hospital. A member of the Home Treatment Team came to visit me the following evening of my discharge. I was asked if I was still feeling suicidal and then if I had tried to read the newspaper. I laughed: "I have tried everything already, nothing works!!" Overdosing on medication was my last resort.
Most self-help tools are based on the intention to lessen the pain by distraction. When we experience suffering, we are encouraged to find things to be grateful for, to have a walk, to have a bath, to think positive and so on. What we are in fact doing is pushing the feelings and emotions away. Although this might bring some sort of relief, it will only be temporary and it can have a rather damaging impact in the long run.
Suffering is part of life, we can't get rid of it and any attempt to do so will only increase it. It is part of the human experience to go through challenging times and to feel down or stressed as a result. It is also only human to want to be rid of it. As survivors of child sexual abuse, we know too well what suffering is. The thought of turning towards our pain might terrify us. We might think we will get overwhelmed by it all, after all this is how we have survived for so long: by distancing ourselves from our experiences. Addictions, mental illnesses or so called "disorders" are, in fact, very natural and human reactions to stress, abuse or trauma. They are survival mechanisms. We are clever human beings who have done our best to stay alive despite our traumatic experiences.
We can start by taking a few minutes, to acknowledge this is a difficult time for us: "Wow, this is really tough! I am really having a hard time with this." or "I am feeling really sad/ lost/ confused" It isn't being negative to honestly acknowledge how we are really feeling. We then scan our body to localise where we carry the stress, the sadness, the anger. Do we carry it on our shoulders? Our chest? Our stomach? When we find it, we breath through it, gently. We remind ourselves it isn't about getting rid of the pain or discomfort but about holding space and loving ourselves through it, as much as we are able to, anyway. No pressure. It isn't about doing it right either. We can put our hands on our chest, or in the area where we carry the emotion, as a sign of tender loving care. "I am sorry you are going through this. I am here." We sooth ourselves. We can send love, using our breath. We start by softening the edges of the pain. If it gets too much we can stop. We can open our eyes anytime.
Here is a great meditation to help you through the process:
You can find more meditations and exercises on Kristin Neff, PhD, website. Self-Compassion
Take gentle care of yourselves.
Love and light,
Sylvie
What is it Life Coaching? What isn't Life Coaching?
It is a
partnership between a Life Coach and a client.
The coach facilitates a safe space and creates a positive rapport in order for the client to identify the inner blocks to their goals, hindering their happiness. Life Coaching helps the client to identify their own goals, to find their own solutions and achieve personal growth and transformation.
Life Coaching isn’t therapy. Although we acknowledge most inner blocks have their roots in the client’s past, we don’t dwell deep on it (this is best done in a therapeutic setting), but, with the client’s permission, we can explore how the "Then and There" affects the "Here and Now", and how the client can move forward, with Self-Compassion.
If I feel a client could benefit from ongoing therapy, I will advise they do so.
My approach is trauma informed. What is trauma? What does "Trauma Informed" means and how does it fit in with Life Coaching?
Trauma is the impact any significant event that has a lasting adverse effect on an individual’s happiness and well-being. The earlier and the longer lasting the stressful event in an individual’s life, the deeper the debilitating effect on a person’s happiness and well-being are.
“Trauma-informed coaching happens when the coach understands what trauma is, how it presents in the coaching room and how to respond. All this, within established coaching boundaries and contracts.”
Julia Vaughan Smith –
Coaching and Trauma
I have personal and professional experience of trauma and have a real understanding of its impact on mind, body and spirit.
What is Self-Compassion?
Self-compassion is extending compassion to oneself in instances of perceived inadequacy, failure, or general suffering.
Dr Kristin Neff,
PhD, has pioneered and defines self-compassion as being composed of three main components –
mindfulness, common humanity, and self-kindness.
Self-compassion is facing our deepest fears, outdated self-beliefs and our perceived inadequacies with loving kindness towards oneself, by learning to take the time to acknowledge when we are hurting (Mindfulness) , by reminding ourselves how suffering is part of the our human experience and we all experience it (to some degree), we aren’t as alone as we think we are (common Humanity ) and, finally, by taking time to sooth and to love ourselves though our pain as we would with a dear friend of ours (Self-Kindness).
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How does Self-Compassion and Trauma Informed Coaching work?
Oftentimes, our deepest fears, outdated self-beliefs and perceived inadequacies, are the very things blocking us from creating a happy, fulfilled life, and building happy relationships, tailored to our needs and aspirations.
These blocks have roots in our past, whether we are aware of this or not, and will impact our thoughts, feeling and our behaviour as well as on how we perceive ourselves and the world around us. The more severe a past trauma, such as Child Sexual Abuse, the stronger the blocks, which are survival/ defence mechanisms created in childhood in order to survive extreme violence and neglect.
They are also natural responses to abuse and neglect,
when the child really has no one to turn to.
In Coaching, there is an opportunity for the client to explore how the past has an impact on the present and focus on what the client can achieve NOW by becoming their own best friend through anything life throws at them and by having compassion for what they have been through. I will provide the space, the support and some tools (such as reading materials, meditations practice etc...), when necessary, to support clients on their journey.
The coaching process will be led by the client. It will be tailored to the client’s needs, with the client’s approval.
The coaching will be most effective if the client is willing and ready to commit
100% to their journey of self-discovery and healing. During Trauma Informed and Self- Compassion based Life Coaching sessions, the client will learn to approach their biggest blocks and find their inner resources of loving kindness and compassion towards themselves.
Contact Me
Notice Board
Zoom or Teams
For those who would prefer to have their Life Coaching sessions, remotely, I use Zoom and Microsoft Team.
Venues for face-to-face sessions
TBC
Life Coaching sessions available from January 2023
My Fees
- 30 Minutes Skype/ Zoom or phone
assessment:
FREE
-
Full price
-
£80. (8 to 10 sessions
in total.)
-Concession prices: £60 (8 to 10 sessions in total.)
If you are experiencing financial hardship, such as unemployment or long-term disability, I offer limited places on concession fees. Please, contact me to discuss.
All payments via bank transfer.
