** TRIGGER WARNING - Mention of self-harm/ injury. ** Take care when reading this article.
I don't exactly remember when I started self-injuring., probably around 11 years old. I scratched the back of my hands or used sharp objects to scratch my arms. How superficial it was at this stage; my inner pain and terror were real. I wasn't allowed to express my inner turmoil; my actions and my behaviour spoke louder but were ridiculed and minimised. I was being a teenager, a very difficult one. I was told I had nothing in my head and was always unhappy to start with.
Much later in my life, after years of not physically harming myself, one evening brought strong rejection/ abandonment trauma up and I cut myself. It was no longer superficial. I did it for years, secretly. I also starved myself. I wanted to disappear, or better still: I wanted to die. The thing was: I was a mother. A stressed out, single mother with little support. So, I held on, one day at the time. It left me exhausted though. My pain needed out. When I was really unwell, I overdosed a few times, one of them I was driven to A&E. Taking meds, any meds in the hope to fall into oblivion, even just for a few minutes is another form of self-harming. It is also dangerous on our bodies, even if we survive.
There are millions of reasons why someone hurt themselves. Most if the time it can be traced back to a stressful or traumatic event. For children and teenagers, victims of abuse at home or/and at school, who have nobody to turn to, or who have reach out but have been dismissed, the pain, the sadness, the feeling of abandonment are deep. Without a safe outlet and a safe person to experience these raw emotional flashbacks with, the pressure builds up and needs to be let out. For me, it was also to show how much I was hurting on the inside as I have been told I don't look depressed or traumatised. Because of my appearance my difficulties weren't taken seriously.
The question to ask, isn't: "Why are you hurting yourself?" but: "What is hurting you?", or "What is happening for you?" Whatever comes up, needs to be accepted as it is. Sometimes, we don't get any answers: the pain is so overwhelming, it is hard to express through words, especially for children and teenagers. "It is no big deal. I don't want to talk about it." is a hard response to accept. As parents. we want to know so we can make it all better. As friends, we want to help too.
If young people's suffering is being downplayed because "They are teenagers." Adults who self-injure are called childish, immature. For all, this behaviour is labelled as a cry for help, attention seeking. It is a cry for help, one that has been left unheard, or worse completely ignored, for too long. It isn't attention seeking, it is connection seeking. We, human beings, thrive and heal through connections, loving, accepting and safe/ respectful connections.
In the instance someone you love is self-harming, pushing for an answer, for a conversation, a resolution isn't helpful. We can't shame anyone into recovery. We can't love anyone into recovery either. The priority needs to be ourselves so we can keep on being this kind, accepting loving presence for our closest and dearest, who are suffering. For parents. it is heart-breaking. Of course, our responsibility is to keep our children safe and if the self-harm means our children land in A&E, it is distressing. No matter what we do to avoid any more injuries, they find ways to do so. We might feel guilty for not being more vigilant. We might start going through their bedroom and hiding blades, knifes etc. We are on alert and worried. Self-care still needs to be a priority so we can be a light house in our children's turbulent times. Mind offers good guidance on their website: "Helping someone who self-Harm". And Mumsnet has a wonderful article: "What you can do if you know or suspect your teenager is self-harming"
If you are self- harming/ injuring: I am sorry you are in so much pain. I know you aren't being difficult, or dramatic. You are hurting and your experience matter. I really hope you have at least one person you can turn to, someone you can really rely on. I also know that many of you don't have such a person in your life. Getting access to affordable person-centred, trauma informed, and compassionate therapies is harder than ever because of lack of funds and the never-ending economic crisis. You can check the links below for help. You aren't being immature, and you aren't disordered. You are suffering.
Mind gives tips for coping with urges to self-harm right now
The way I was able to stop self-cutting was by reminding myself that I will no longer hurt myself the way my family hurt me. I started to eat again when I started to approach this behaviour with Self-Compassion. Was it easy? Is it easy? No. It is an ongoing process. The way someone can stop themselves from hurting themselves is very personal. There is no one solution fitting all. The best remedies are patience, loving kindness, acceptance and (self) Compassion while safely exploring what lies beneath the physical wounds.
Helpful websites:
Love & Light
Sylvie
All Rights Reserved | SylvieRouhani2022
What is it Life Coaching? What isn't Life Coaching?
It is a
partnership between a Life Coach and a client.
The coach facilitates a safe space and creates a positive rapport in order for the client to identify the inner blocks to their goals, hindering their happiness. Life Coaching helps the client to identify their own goals, to find their own solutions and achieve personal growth and transformation.
Life Coaching isn’t therapy. Although we acknowledge most inner blocks have their roots in the client’s past, we don’t dwell deep on it (this is best done in a therapeutic setting), but, with the client’s permission, we can explore how the "Then and There" affects the "Here and Now", and how the client can move forward, with Self-Compassion.
If I feel a client could benefit from ongoing therapy, I will advise they do so.
My approach is trauma informed. What is trauma? What does "Trauma Informed" means and how does it fit in with Life Coaching?
Trauma is the impact any significant event that has a lasting adverse effect on an individual’s happiness and well-being. The earlier and the longer lasting the stressful event in an individual’s life, the deeper the debilitating effect on a person’s happiness and well-being are.
“Trauma-informed coaching happens when the coach understands what trauma is, how it presents in the coaching room and how to respond. All this, within established coaching boundaries and contracts.”
Julia Vaughan Smith –
Coaching and Trauma
I have personal and professional experience of trauma and have a real understanding of its impact on mind, body and spirit.
What is Self-Compassion?
Self-compassion is extending compassion to oneself in instances of perceived inadequacy, failure, or general suffering.
Dr Kristin Neff,
PhD, has pioneered and defines self-compassion as being composed of three main components –
mindfulness, common humanity, and self-kindness.
Self-compassion is facing our deepest fears, outdated self-beliefs and our perceived inadequacies with loving kindness towards oneself, by learning to take the time to acknowledge when we are hurting (Mindfulness) , by reminding ourselves how suffering is part of the our human experience and we all experience it (to some degree), we aren’t as alone as we think we are (common Humanity ) and, finally, by taking time to sooth and to love ourselves though our pain as we would with a dear friend of ours (Self-Kindness).
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How does Self-Compassion and Trauma Informed Coaching work?
Oftentimes, our deepest fears, outdated self-beliefs and perceived inadequacies, are the very things blocking us from creating a happy, fulfilled life, and building happy relationships, tailored to our needs and aspirations.
These blocks have roots in our past, whether we are aware of this or not, and will impact our thoughts, feeling and our behaviour as well as on how we perceive ourselves and the world around us. The more severe a past trauma, such as Child Sexual Abuse, the stronger the blocks, which are survival/ defence mechanisms created in childhood in order to survive extreme violence and neglect.
They are also natural responses to abuse and neglect,
when the child really has no one to turn to.
In Coaching, there is an opportunity for the client to explore how the past has an impact on the present and focus on what the client can achieve NOW by becoming their own best friend through anything life throws at them and by having compassion for what they have been through. I will provide the space, the support and some tools (such as reading materials, meditations practice etc...), when necessary, to support clients on their journey.
The coaching process will be led by the client. It will be tailored to the client’s needs, with the client’s approval.
The coaching will be most effective if the client is willing and ready to commit
100% to their journey of self-discovery and healing. During Trauma Informed and Self- Compassion based Life Coaching sessions, the client will learn to approach their biggest blocks and find their inner resources of loving kindness and compassion towards themselves.
If you are interested and ready to transform your life, with self-compassion and tender loving care towards yourself, please, contact me for a FREE 30-minute Skype/ Zoom or phone assessment.
(See Notice Board below for more info)
I am looking forward to hearing from you,
Sylvie
Thank you for contacting me.
I will get back to you as soon as possible.
Kind Regards,
Sylvie
Notice Board
Zoom or Teams
For those who would prefer to have their Life Coaching sessions, remotely, I use Zoom and Microsoft Team.
Venues for face-to-face sessions
TBC
Life Coaching sessions available from January 2023
My Fees
- 30 Minutes Skype/ Zoom or phone
assessment:
FREE
-
Full price
-
£80. (8 to 10 sessions
in total.)
-Concession prices: £60 (8 to 10 sessions in total.)
If you are experiencing financial hardship, such as unemployment or long-term disability, I offer limited places on concession fees. Please, contact me to discuss.
All payments via bank transfer.