Winter Turns into Spring - The Blog

I've never really knew my father, my parents got divorced when I was a toddler. I don't have any solid memories of him, maybe a couple of snapshots at a swimming pool and at his house, with his second wife. My childhood was filled with stories of what a terrible man he was and how much he never really cared about my big brother and me. My mother hated him and was angry at him for the things he had done to us: living us without any money for our mum to buy food and clothes for us or to even pay the electricity bill. I ended up hating him too and even feeling disgusted to have his name. For my mother, us kids, were a constant reminder of this despicable man and channelled her anger on us.

Years later, I decided to look for this father of mine, at least to just make peace with it all. I found a half-brother instead! Actually, I found two half-brothers and a grandfather! A grandfather who was born and grew up in Afghanistan. They had my father's contact details and forwarded my number to him. A few weeks later, he called me. It was weird to hear his voice as I had no memories of it. He promised he would visit me in the UK, as he had some business there. He never did. I knew he wouldn't. I wasn't disappointed. It enabled me to make peace with the fact that he was not a father to me, and to my brothers and he will never be.

I didn't have much contact with my newly found family. I wasn't used to close connections so, we drifted apart. I had a bit more contact with my grandfather, just enough to know my father knew I had a daughter but didn't care much, he was sick with cancer and didn't seem to recover. I didn't hear from my half-brother, until I received a request on social media, a few weeks ago. It was lovely to hear from him, and we promised each other not to lose touch this time. Just as I wasn't moved by this death, he wasn't really sad either.

I let my daughter and some friends know, adding: "I am fine." I didn't know him so; I have no emotional attachment to him. Although I was careful whom to share this news with. I reached out to my friends who won't tell me: " I am so sorry!" there was nothing to feel sorry about. I didn't want to hear this.

A few days ago, something triggered a deep-seated sadness. It felt physical as well as emotional. Raw. During my daily meditation, I took time to sit with this small inner child. I heard: "Nobody loves me, and I am all alone." then "My Daddy promised me he would come back to see me, but he never did. I am waiting and waiting for him to come back." I felt Her sadness and heartbreak. Finally, going a little deeper, she said: "And now he is dead, he really is never coming back." For a few minutes, I felt submerged by a huge wave of grief. "My Daddy is gone, and he is never coming back..." It feels like she lost him twice. I let myself feel it, breathing and grounding myself, placing my hands on my heart and solar plexus, for comfort and as a gesture of tender loving care, compassion for myself (every single precious inner part of myself) I murmured soothing words: "I am so sorry Daddy didn't love you. I am sorry you've been waiting for him for such a long time. I am sorry".

I've spent the next few days in the ebb and flow of my grief. Anger, bargaining, sadness, I recognized the so-called stages of grief, taking turn or feeling different emotions all at once. It is one step to identify those stages, using the mind, it is another to feel them, from the heart. I let myself be this loving connected presence to my Inner Girl, in small amount of time as the process of feeling was, sometimes, overwhelming.

It is scary to let myself fully feel the heartbreak, the loss accompanying: "Daddy isn't coming back," I understood, my intuition had picked up on a shift of energy in someone have just met, from "I want to get to know you." to "I am busy." At first, I thought I was being negative as a result of past experiences. "Be patient and trust." From IFS point of view, I recognised these thoughts as a defence mechanism from my Inner Protector, the part who will do whatever it takes for me not to feel my Inner Girl's (my Exile) despair. The energy shift I have felt, instantly triggered my abandonment trauma responses and the protector got to work.

When I spent time with my Protector, during meditation, she confirmed that, yes, she has been diverting me with hope and giving advice on patience and of bettering myself so, that, "When, Daddy comes back, he will want to stay." Letting the Inner Girl fully feel this inner knowing: "He isn't coming back." would have been too much for her. "It would have killed her, so I gave her hope and encouraged her to wait for him." I thanked her for her hard work in protecting the little one. She kept her alive! I ask ed for permission in approaching the Inner Girl, so I could by her side while she fully accepts the truth "Daddy isn't coming back." with all the emotional pain it brings up. "I promise, she won't die from feeling this. You don't have to protect her anymore. You can relax and rest now." She trusted me to spend some time with the Inner Girl. "He really isn't coming back, isn't he? What am I going to do? Nobody cares about me; I am all alone!" I let her express her despair, I let myself feel it, together with her, validating her experience. "What do you need right now?" Her answer was: "Love me!! And, please, don't leave me all alone!" I promised her I will never leave her. I am here to stay, and I showered her with love and compassion, through my breath. Gently creating a safe, loving and caring space in my heart centre, for my protector and this "exile".

I felt very emotional after such a big shift, which is natural. The next day, I felt at peace. I felt my Inner Parts, happy and safe, in my heart centre. I felt lots of space in my body, where, before I carried a heavy weight. I experienced a sense a freedom. It doesn't mean I am done with grieving. It is a process not a goal. I am glad I was able to hold myself tenderly through the difficult few days I've experienced, and I am also glad to have gentle souls around me to support me through this.

Love and Light

Sylvie

Check out the video below: Dr Richard Schwartz explaining the IFS model.

On Winter Turns into Spring, you can read more on Grief and Feeling and grieving Our losses: the absent father