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Winter Turns into Spring - The Blog
World Suicide Prevention Day
The 10th of September was the "World Suicide Prevention Day" - Social Media platforms were drowning in encouraging quotes "You are not alone. Reach out. It's ok not to be ok." Unfortunately, those who reach out, very seldom receive caring and compassionate help. They are judged, blamed and shamed for their experiences, to the point when, actually, it feels like it isn't ok not to be ok.
** TRIGGER WARNING - Suicidal Ideation - Take gentle care when reading the article. **
"In the UK in 2020, 6248 people took their own lives: 5224 in England and Wales, 805 in Scotland and 219 in Northern Ireland. Men and women aged 45 to 49 have the highest suicide rates in England and Wales." Mental Health Foundation
"Significant increase in suicide rates for males aged 10 to 24 years and males aged 75 years and over since 2017" GOV.UK
"In England, a quarter of 11–16-year-olds, and nearly half of 17–19-year-olds (46.8%), with a mental disorder reported that they have self-harmed or attempted suicide at some point in their lives. For 11–16-year-olds, this represents a greater than eightfold risk compared to those without a mental health problem (25.5% compared to 3.0). " RCPCH - State of Children Health
The statistics above don't reflect the suffering and pain behind the numbers. No matter what the numbers are, they are too high.
In recent years, we talk more and more about suicidal thoughts and ideations. It is, of course, to be celebrated. However, talking and encouraging others to reach out isn't enough. We also need to change the way we communicate, the way we respond to someone who is in so much emotional pain, they no longer have the will to live. As long as sufferers are met with shameful and blaming, minimizing responses, nothing will ever change.
Suicidal thoughts and ideations are labelled as signs of weakness, ungratefulness and disorders. It means there is something wrong with us. Not so long ago, we used the term "S/he committed suicide." as if this person had committed a crime. It is viewed as a sin by many religions.
The first time, I have felt suicidal, I was 15 years old. I overdosed on meds from the home pharmacy cabinet. I went to school anyway. I became ill, and my stepfather was called. In hospital, a nurse asked me: "Why did you do that?" My cruel and abusive mother was the reason.
The second time I overdosed and found myself in hospital, I was 34 years old. I felt suicidal before but didn't take action. What drove me was a series of losses: a traumatic breakup of an abusive relationship, my daughter moving with her father (I really thought she no longer needed me, and I had nothing good to give her), serious financial loss (my depression interfered with work, and I quit) and homelessness (I couldn't effort the Bedroom Tax on a private property), all triggering distressing emotional flashbacks but, I experienced them as madness and worthlessness. My state of mind was labelled "BPD" Disordered. I was asked "Why?" I didn't want to talk about it, this time. I was about to be 35 and I didn't want to be alive by then.
I was put into care, and the best thing my carer could advice was to "Think positive." or invite me to Church. I was told by psychiatrists, in A&E, they wouldn't give me a bed in their mental health unit because I just didn't want to take responsibility for my life. They used my daughter as a guilt trip. "Don't you think you are selfish? What about your daughter?" I was also accused of not wanting to get better by MBT therapists.
Back then, I had a bunch of friends, they were great for the practical support of moving me in an out of places, but when I was in hospital, I was alone. Reaching out to a friend on the way to A&E, she replied she couldn't go with me, she had plans and she would be co-dependent to drop everything for me.
The last time I felt suicidal, was last year. I felt angry: it wasn't like I didn't work on my recovery!! It didn't seem to get easier, just more and more painful to be alive. I felt I had tried everything that resonated with me. Still there was a part of me who wanted to die, she didn't see the point in staying alive, alone and in pain. In therapy, with a caring and trauma informed therapist, I discovered, I had many inner parts who wished to die. I discovered I was born wanting to die. I knew I wasn't wanted. I wasn't welcomed. For years I meditated, reflected, analysed, everything which, in fact, only helped me, temporarily, in covering up this deep desire to die.
I needed to go inwards, and to listen to these Inner Children who, for 41 years, really wanted to disappear. What I felt and heard from them was heart-breaking, I cried a lot. I no longer wanted to pretend I was feeling otherwise. All the "It will be ok. I am so brave. I am a warrior, a survivor." No longer meant anything to me because, the truth was: "I want to die. "I started to validate and accept my desire to die, with compassion for my inner pain, for myself (every single precious inner part of myself.) I was able to do so with the support of my therapist who, in the middle of a horrible physical and visual flashback told me: "I am here." With the help of Gestalt technics and parts work I turned towards my pain with love.
"Of course, you feel the way you do: your mother who never wanted you. She even threatened to kill you. This was how much she resented you." I also said to these Inner Parts: "I am here. I am not going anywhere. You aren't alone with this pain anymore."
Suicidal thoughts and ideations are the results of complex factors. For adults victims and survivors of child abuse, it is often linked to a childhood filled with chaos and abuse. When children aren't loved, protected and their needs aren't met, they received the message they are not wanted. They are not important. They are an inconvenience to their parents. Sometimes they are told: "I didn't want you." Some truly have nobody to turn to and, sadly, won't make it. Not because they are weak, selfish or they didn't try hard enough but, because what they have experienced had a fatal effect on them, in mind, body and spirit.
We can't shame people into recovery. Human beings, small and big humans, thrive and shine through compassion, gentle care, in the painful place they are in NOW, no matter how uncomfortable it is for us to witness.
Love and Light to you all,
Sylvie
Click here for the PDF Link to Mind's lists of contact and support when you feel suicidal.
This article is dedicated to Charlotte D. Rest in Peace
What is it Life Coaching? What isn't Life Coaching?
It is a
partnership between a Life Coach and a client.
The coach facilitates a safe space and creates a positive rapport in order for the client to identify the inner blocks to their goals, hindering their happiness. Life Coaching helps the client to identify their own goals, to find their own solutions and achieve personal growth and transformation.
Life Coaching isn’t therapy. Although we acknowledge most inner blocks have their roots in the client’s past, we don’t dwell deep on it (this is best done in a therapeutic setting), but, with the client’s permission, we can explore how the "Then and There" affects the "Here and Now", and how the client can move forward, with Self-Compassion.
If I feel a client could benefit from ongoing therapy, I will advise they do so.
My approach is trauma informed. What is trauma? What does "Trauma Informed" means and how does it fit in with Life Coaching?
Trauma is the impact any significant event that has a lasting adverse effect on an individual’s happiness and well-being. The earlier and the longer lasting the stressful event in an individual’s life, the deeper the debilitating effect on a person’s happiness and well-being are.
“Trauma-informed coaching happens when the coach understands what trauma is, how it presents in the coaching room and how to respond. All this, within established coaching boundaries and contracts.”
Julia Vaughan Smith –
Coaching and Trauma
I have personal and professional experience of trauma and have a real understanding of its impact on mind, body and spirit.
What is Self-Compassion?
Self-compassion is extending compassion to oneself in instances of perceived inadequacy, failure, or general suffering.
Dr Kristin Neff,
PhD, has pioneered and defines self-compassion as being composed of three main components –
mindfulness, common humanity, and self-kindness.
Self-compassion is facing our deepest fears, outdated self-beliefs and our perceived inadequacies with loving kindness towards oneself, by learning to take the time to acknowledge when we are hurting (Mindfulness) , by reminding ourselves how suffering is part of the our human experience and we all experience it (to some degree), we aren’t as alone as we think we are (common Humanity ) and, finally, by taking time to sooth and to love ourselves though our pain as we would with a dear friend of ours (Self-Kindness).
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How does Self-Compassion and Trauma Informed Coaching work?
Oftentimes, our deepest fears, outdated self-beliefs and perceived inadequacies, are the very things blocking us from creating a happy, fulfilled life, and building happy relationships, tailored to our needs and aspirations.
These blocks have roots in our past, whether we are aware of this or not, and will impact our thoughts, feeling and our behaviour as well as on how we perceive ourselves and the world around us. The more severe a past trauma, such as Child Sexual Abuse, the stronger the blocks, which are survival/ defence mechanisms created in childhood in order to survive extreme violence and neglect.
They are also natural responses to abuse and neglect,
when the child really has no one to turn to.
In Coaching, there is an opportunity for the client to explore how the past has an impact on the present and focus on what the client can achieve NOW by becoming their own best friend through anything life throws at them and by having compassion for what they have been through. I will provide the space, the support and some tools (such as reading materials, meditations practice etc...), when necessary, to support clients on their journey.
The coaching process will be led by the client. It will be tailored to the client’s needs, with the client’s approval.
The coaching will be most effective if the client is willing and ready to commit
100% to their journey of self-discovery and healing. During Trauma Informed and Self- Compassion based Life Coaching sessions, the client will learn to approach their biggest blocks and find their inner resources of loving kindness and compassion towards themselves.
Contact Me
Notice Board
Zoom or Teams
For those who would prefer to have their Life Coaching sessions, remotely, I use Zoom and Microsoft Team.
Venues for face-to-face sessions
TBC
Life Coaching sessions available from January 2023
My Fees
- 30 Minutes Skype/ Zoom or phone
assessment:
FREE
-
Full price
-
£80. (8 to 10 sessions
in total.)
-Concession prices: £60 (8 to 10 sessions in total.)
If you are experiencing financial hardship, such as unemployment or long-term disability, I offer limited places on concession fees. Please, contact me to discuss.
All payments via bank transfer.
