Winter Turns into Spring - The Blog

We all do it, using diagnoses to explain some of our behaviour: "Yes, I am a bit OCD about my socks!" or we indignantly declare: "This person is so toxic!" or "She must be Bipolar or something!" Online, they are those who, for a sum of money, tell us they have it all figure out: "Overcoming Trauma in 5 simple and quick steps," or "Do this breathing exercise to become happy." and so many other big promises to get to the bottom of what is wrong with us and how to remedy our behaviour as fast as possible.

Of course, it is great when an individual share his experiences of how he surmounted hardships. It is inspiring and gives hope. Sometimes we might fall into thinking: "If I can do it, you can too! All you have to do is..." Most of times, what it really means is: "I did it this way so can you!" The thing is MY way might not be Your way! It is the same with mental illness diagnosis: the way I experience and manage C-PTSD, for instance, might not be the way someone else experiences and manages it. Although, obviously, there are definite common patterns. Each individual will have a different journey with it.

We can definitely become an expert in our recovery. We certainly can share how experiences, way of coping with the good, the joy, the bad and the ugliness of it all. It is essential though to give the space others needs to work out what might work for them and what might not resonate with them. It doesn't mean they aren't ready to heal or to get better, or that they are resistant to change, it might just be this particular way of recovery isn't for them at this time in their life, or they need something else altogether. And, even if they aren't ready and are resistant, so what? If we start to think: "Some really need a kick in the arse! They weren't doing anything to help themselves! "Maybe it is a sign, we need to step back (again, not easy) and let this person figure it out, no matter how long it takes them. It is time to redirect our intentions on ourselves.

It seems to be "in fashion" for therapists to diagnose celebrities having a difficult time such as Britney Spears, Will Smith or those who display high levels of antipathy, such as Trump or Putin. Nobody can diagnose someone they never met for a few sessions. All they can do is to speculate. There also are websites on "How to recognise a Narcissist!" or "How to get rid of your toxic friend?" Of course, there are certain behaviour we need to protect ourselves from. Narcissist Personality Disorder is a complex illness, a complex set of trauma responses rather, but we can't just declare someone is a narcissist - when you don't know them. I used to think: "Oh, this person is so toxic." And I'd spend a few minutes explaining why this particular person was toxic. Now, I would say: "This person is suffering and keeps bursting my boundaries, I need to step back here."

All this naming and labelling is another way to judge others and their journey, where we think they should be. It perpetuates the victims and survivors blaming and shaming. We suffer with a particular mental illness and then we think we recognise it in another. The other thing is, if we spend so much time trying to figure out someone else's diagnosis, it says more about us than it does about the other person. It is important to be aware of our environment and the people within it, but the focus needs to stay with ourselves: "How do I feel around this person?" and based on our honest answer, we then take the appropriate action. The action that will keep us and safe and happy. It is easier written than done, especially if, in order to survive, we had to see our abusers as loving and caring people. What else a child can do to survive in a chaotic and violent home?

A diagnosis can also be used to judge ourselves: "I am Bi-Polar" or "I knew I was mental/ something was wrong with me!" Nobody IS Bi-polar, but some are suffering with Bi-polar Disorder. Nobody is "mental", but some have more difficulties than others and are suffering.

Take gentle care of yourselves.

I shall do the same.

Sylvie