Winter Turns into Spring - The Blog

As the cold  winter darkness settles in, we all feel the need to slow down, and to cosy up inside until spring. Unfortunately, we live in a society that doesn't allow us to rest and to preserve our energy for warmer days. We are told to push through it all. We have artificial lights everywhere. There are no excuses for restful hibernation. More and more people are diagnosed with SAD and are given medication to ride it out when, really, the remedy is for human beings to return to their natural rhythm and cycle, linked to Mother Earth's. Winter is a time of retreat, after months of hard labour.

In ancient matriarchal civilisations, the Darkness of Life, of winter, was honoured and celebrated. The Darkness symbolised the Goddess, the New Moon, ,the sacred womb - the Yoni, the Void - the sacred creative space. Early Christians demonized it. The Darkness became synonymous of the Devil, Hell, a place of Sin. The opposite of their God's Light, to avoid at all costs.

Today, with the well established "toxic positivity" we are encouraged to only focus on the Light. Darkness is associated with natural emotions such as sadness, anger, despair ECT - is to be reframed, rejected, ignored. It is called being negative to talk about adverse experiences.

Some of us, who have experienced deep childhood trauma are often shamed for experiencing strong emotions - listed above. We are advised to focus on the positive, to look at the bright side. This gives us the message our suffering isn't valid. Lots of individuals want us to be inspiring heroes. Nobody wants victims. They want us to recover with a big grateful smile on our faces and assumed that , when we feel everything but happiness, we are probably not trying hard enough to find that silver lining. Some go to the extend of  mentioning "Trauma Growth" a list of benefits deriving from childhood trauma. There is nothing positive about being used and abused as a child. NOTHING. We grow, experience joy and fulfilment DESPITE our traumatic experiences, not because of them. We heal if we are lucky to have a loving and understanding support network, in a world obsessed with quick happy endings.

For many years, being a member of a popular religious organisation, I tried so very hard to be positive, to smile through everything and to feel gratitude for the hardships I suffered as a child, because I was told they made me who I was. It went as far as being encouraged to feel gratitude towards my abusers as they were my teachers. My sadness, my anxiety and depression were called "fundamental darkness", or coming from a negative Ego, to be challenged, to be transformed and to chant away. When this didn't work I was blaming myself for not trying hard enough. It made me feel as if something was deeply wrong with me.

A year of Gestalt trauma therapy and "practicing" Self- Compassion and learning from Internal Family System (IFS), really changed my point of view: I now know, my sadness, depression ECT... aren't fundamental darkness, or from an evil Ego: they are emotional flashbacks, from Inner Parts who are suffering, whose experiences need validating. Inner Children who need the love and support they never experienced growing up. There are no bad parts, bad emotions or feelings. I've learned to turn towards my inner Darkness with love and compassion. I experience my most difficult days as opportunities to love and support myself, not as failures on my part. It was by finally acknowledging and accepting my deep seated desire to die - a direct result of being an unwanted child and experiencing rejection and neglect - that I was able to find a joyful desire to live.

This year, as I opened myself up to the Sacred Feminine/ the Inner Goddess, I've felt the pull to explore Her Darkness. (Reading Burning Woman, by Lucy H. Pearce and Shakti Woman by Vicki Noble, enabled me to reclaim myself). I went from experiencing darkness filed with real life monsters to experiencing the loving, soothing and weightless darkness of the Universe, through mediations, and visions. I saw myself floating in Space, with the stars and the Moon, feeling connected to everything and everyone, everywhere. I felt as if I was getting a big hug from the Universe.

As the end of 2022 approaches, take loving care of yourself in the cold wintry days. Times are hard with "the Cost of Living" (in the UK)  and the increasing poverty settling in. It is understandable to feel rather low, no matter how many Christmas lights surround us. It is by acknowledging both challenges - darkness and, the joy - the light, that we find hope, compassion and love for ourselves and for those around us.

Sylvie