Am I a Victim or a Survivor?
Some people are too ready to judge others as one or the other. There is a lot “victim” shaming and bashing in therapy, self help, spiritual and religious circles . There is this idea that only survivors are strong and able to achieve certain milestones on the healing journey.
I think it is nobody’s business where I am at, on my healing journey, as long as I don’t hurt myself or others. Nobody has to right to label me and my behaviour as me being in “victim mode” or “survivor mode.” Actually, “victim” and survivor “ are each side of the same coin. One is linked to the other. BOTH need to be fully acknowledged, accepted, loved and validated. BOTH co- exists and it is natural that they do so. Kindness and acceptance are essential.
In 2021, with the help of a trauma informed therapist, (Karen Isbister) I started to be really honest with myself: I’ve never felt happy, in my life. I felt how much, as a new born baby, as a child, as teenager, up until then, at 41 years old, I have been feeling suicidal. I was born with no desire to live: I was unwanted since I arrived in my Mother's womb. It was terrifying and heart-breaking to experience emotional flashbacks of my preverbal years of neglect and rejection, from the very person my life depended upon.
I have been encouraged to write an autobiography, to turn the poison of my past into medicine because, I could also help others. (I wrote a few chapters of a memoire but, felt it wasn't what I was meant to write,) I'd open up about my childhood trauma, and some would only think of the positive aspects of what happened to me. It is tough to hear someone else's story and not being able to meet them where they are: in a painful place, not in an imaginary near future when, because of your hard work, you will feel better! It is tough but it is so crucial we meet our loved ones, where they are. It is essential WE meet OURSELVES were we are! Maybe, I pretended to be happy ,while working things out, layer by layer, because I wanted to fit in with all the other happy, thriving survivors out there. "Look at me, I’ve been through all this shit but, I am moving on with a big smile.”
At what expense though? At the expense of my own healing, self acceptance and self love. At the expense of my true feelings.
I was feeling unhappy and I was struggling to see a good reason to stay alive, not because I was a failure or stuck in victim mode, as people like to say but, because I was deeply suffering. The abuse was minimized by others and by myself. There is this pressure in being resilient: anyone who has been physical, emotionally, sexual abused as a child, and who is still alive: they are resilient! They might not be smiling and full of "positivity" but, they are so strong. Telling them they still behave as if they were victims is an insult! (Obviously, if anyone acts in abusive ways, it is important to protect ourselves. In this case, your job is to walk away and to let them figure things out for themselves, if they ever do.)
The 1st Step of SOSAA - Survivors of Sexual Abuse Anonymous (This group doesn't exist anymore.) writes:
“ We admitted that we were powerless over the abuse, the effects of the abuse had on us, and that our lives had become unmanageable. ”
There is no more minimizing or denying anything, with Step 1. I acknowledge how terrifying, lonely and painful it was back then and, I acknowledge how the abuse still impacts my life, in traumatizing ways. This doesn't make me a negative person. There is no quick fix. We need to reclaim our victimhood: reaching within for the small terrified and unloved Inner Parts. It is a life long journey. I need to acknowledge I had no control over what was done to me. I don't often have control on the impact it still has on me.
Working Step 1 brought up a lot of emotional flashback. My health wasn’t good at the time (2021) and I had been through some tough times where I felt terrified, alone and in emotional pain. as well, as being isolated (as so many were) because the pandemic and lockdowns. Now, I take time with the uncomfortable feelings, emotional flashbacks that I couldn't describe with words. The only way I was able to face my suicidal feelings and thoughts was by accepting I wanted to die and I had done for a very long time. "I want to die." or "I wish I was dead!" No shame, no judgement. It was tough for one of my friends to hear this. "Maybe change therapist? Up your meds, change your meds? Get more support?" I knew she wanted to help but her list of suggestions, to make me all better, stressed me out even more. To start with, I was thinking: "Have I given up on life or am I experiencing acceptance?" I had given up minimizing, denying my reality. I had given up on my inner fight. I was tired. I couldn't hide it to myself anymore. My young Inner Parts have been stuck in this horrible place, wanting or wishing they were dead. They needed to accepted, as they were feeling. Practicing Mindful Self-Compassionate meditations- Dr Kristin Neff - and IFS meditations - Dr Richard Schwartz - helped me tremendously in listening to and in embracing these parts of me who were deeply suffering.
Slowly, I started to want to live again. I started to smile, to laugh! I enrolled in an "Acting for Fun" class. My therapist encouraged me, last year, to do something, just for fun! No goals, no big expectations... It was something I haven't done since 1999! I enjoyed it tremendously. I signed up for a more formal "beginners" acting class. I am planning to enrol on to the next one!
After a year of not writing my blog. I felt my passion bubbling back up: there were so many things I wanted to write about and raise awareness about. I slowly started to write poetry and found piles of poems all over my flat, in boxes, gathering dust. I decided to put them all in a booklet. I started to send them to publishers, agents, competitions. I also found short stories, tales of ghosts, spirits, grieving and healing. Becoming a published author is a childhood dream of mine. Now, I know: life isn't worth living without writing and acting. I am also meeting some amazing people!
I am also looking for work, as being creative doesn't bring money, right now. Whatever happens, I promised myself I won't ever sacrifice my creativity and whatever else brings me joy! Some of my Inner Parts (the inner victims) are petrified that all this action is never going to bring any positive and lasting changes. They don't believe anything will work out (career wise and in my romantic life) , because, for them, it never gets better. So, I sit still and I feel what they feel, for a moment, then I keep going, gently. I know that the only way for my Inner Parts to move on from this place of futility, is by validating their experiences. It might also be something that comes up for me on a regular basis. The victory is to meet our deepest despair with tender loving care.
So, we are survivors (we wouldn't be here if we weren't) and we carry inner parts who are victims, stuck in dark places, waiting for us to listen to them, to validate their existences. Lets' have compassion for our adults selves who have to deal with so much, within us - all the suffering of some Inner Parts and, around us - all the expectations and judgements, raising children up and working, or seeking work; trying hard to survive in a difficult society.
Dear One,
Today,
Just for today:
May we be safe,
May we be peaceful,
May we be healthy,
In mind and body.
May we live with ease.
May we take gentle care of ourselves.
Sylvie
All Rights Reserved | SylvieRouhani2022
What is it Life Coaching? What isn't Life Coaching?
It is a
partnership between a Life Coach and a client.
The coach facilitates a safe space and creates a positive rapport in order for the client to identify the inner blocks to their goals, hindering their happiness. Life Coaching helps the client to identify their own goals, to find their own solutions and achieve personal growth and transformation.
Life Coaching isn’t therapy. Although we acknowledge most inner blocks have their roots in the client’s past, we don’t dwell deep on it (this is best done in a therapeutic setting), but, with the client’s permission, we can explore how the "Then and There" affects the "Here and Now", and how the client can move forward, with Self-Compassion.
If I feel a client could benefit from ongoing therapy, I will advise they do so.
My approach is trauma informed. What is trauma? What does "Trauma Informed" means and how does it fit in with Life Coaching?
Trauma is the impact any significant event that has a lasting adverse effect on an individual’s happiness and well-being. The earlier and the longer lasting the stressful event in an individual’s life, the deeper the debilitating effect on a person’s happiness and well-being are.
“Trauma-informed coaching happens when the coach understands what trauma is, how it presents in the coaching room and how to respond. All this, within established coaching boundaries and contracts.”
Julia Vaughan Smith –
Coaching and Trauma
I have personal and professional experience of trauma and have a real understanding of its impact on mind, body and spirit.
What is Self-Compassion?
Self-compassion is extending compassion to oneself in instances of perceived inadequacy, failure, or general suffering.
Dr Kristin Neff,
PhD, has pioneered and defines self-compassion as being composed of three main components –
mindfulness, common humanity, and self-kindness.
Self-compassion is facing our deepest fears, outdated self-beliefs and our perceived inadequacies with loving kindness towards oneself, by learning to take the time to acknowledge when we are hurting (Mindfulness) , by reminding ourselves how suffering is part of the our human experience and we all experience it (to some degree), we aren’t as alone as we think we are (common Humanity ) and, finally, by taking time to sooth and to love ourselves though our pain as we would with a dear friend of ours (Self-Kindness).
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How does Self-Compassion and Trauma Informed Coaching work?
Oftentimes, our deepest fears, outdated self-beliefs and perceived inadequacies, are the very things blocking us from creating a happy, fulfilled life, and building happy relationships, tailored to our needs and aspirations.
These blocks have roots in our past, whether we are aware of this or not, and will impact our thoughts, feeling and our behaviour as well as on how we perceive ourselves and the world around us. The more severe a past trauma, such as Child Sexual Abuse, the stronger the blocks, which are survival/ defence mechanisms created in childhood in order to survive extreme violence and neglect.
They are also natural responses to abuse and neglect,
when the child really has no one to turn to.
In Coaching, there is an opportunity for the client to explore how the past has an impact on the present and focus on what the client can achieve NOW by becoming their own best friend through anything life throws at them and by having compassion for what they have been through. I will provide the space, the support and some tools (such as reading materials, meditations practice etc...), when necessary, to support clients on their journey.
The coaching process will be led by the client. It will be tailored to the client’s needs, with the client’s approval.
The coaching will be most effective if the client is willing and ready to commit
100% to their journey of self-discovery and healing. During Trauma Informed and Self- Compassion based Life Coaching sessions, the client will learn to approach their biggest blocks and find their inner resources of loving kindness and compassion towards themselves.
If you are interested and ready to transform your life, with self-compassion and tender loving care towards yourself, please, contact me for a FREE 30-minute Skype/ Zoom or phone assessment.
(See Notice Board below for more info)
I am looking forward to hearing from you,
Sylvie
Thank you for contacting me.
I will get back to you as soon as possible.
Kind Regards,
Sylvie
Notice Board
Zoom or Teams
For those who would prefer to have their Life Coaching sessions, remotely, I use Zoom and Microsoft Team.
Venues for face-to-face sessions
TBC
Life Coaching sessions available from January 2023
My Fees
- 30 Minutes Skype/ Zoom or phone
assessment:
FREE
-
Full price
-
£80. (8 to 10 sessions
in total.)
-Concession prices: £60 (8 to 10 sessions in total.)
If you are experiencing financial hardship, such as unemployment or long-term disability, I offer limited places on concession fees. Please, contact me to discuss.
All payments via bank transfer.