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Winter Turns into Spring - The Blog
The Grooming Process in Child Sexual Abuse
Grooming is the long process where the perpetrator builds a "special" bond with the child. This shows how determined, manipulative and controlling adult sexual predators abusers really are.
The grooming process describes what happens before an abuser sexual assaults his victim, and throughout the development of a "special" relationship with the child. It is a gradual process that can take days, months or even years. The perpetrator is very often known to the child and to the family. It is more often someone within the family.
Over 90% of sexually abused children were abused by someone they knew.*
It might start with spending more time with the child and by making this time together special. What makes it special?
Secrets makes it special . For instance: " I know Mum doesn't want you to get your pocket money now, but here is £10. Don't tell her, or she will be cross!" or " Let's have ice cream before dinner! It will be our secret snack!" Telling the child how much s/he is loved and precious. "Nobody understands you as much as I do." Sometimes alcohol or drugs are offered.
Once an emotional closeness is established, the abuser will slowly start bursting physical boundaries, in small ways at first: a kiss there, some accidental touching. For instance, bathing might be an opportunity for pass sexual abuse as normal cleaning routine. This happened to me, my uncle cleaned my bum, after getting me out of the tub. The adult might show pornographic movies to introduce the idea of sex in the relationship. "This is what people who love each other do. And I love you." And so, the sexual abuse begins.
When sex is established in the connection with the child, it will must likely happen on a regular basis. What is first "caring" touch can become more violent. The friendship and the love are withdrawn now the perpetrator has what he wanted all along: complete control over his small victim.
CSA is about power and control more than it is about sex.
Threats keep the child silent: "If you tell, nobody will believe you. Nobody can understand how much we love each other." or "If you tell. I will go to prison. Do you want me to go to prison?" or "If you tell. I will hurt your mum/ your sister/ you pet..." These words might be followed with violent physical assault.
The adult will be loving and caring one moment and then, angry and threatening the next. This is to keep the child under control, reinforcing her dependency on her abuser as well as reinforcing her shame, guilt and fear. Those are the reasons why a child or a young person doesn't disclose the abuse, no matter how much they are pushed to say something, they will keep their secret.
1 in 3 children sexually abused by an adult did not tell anyone*
Perpetrators don't only groom children but also their community and the family of the child s/he is interest in.
When the abuser isn't part of the family , s/he needs to first create a connection with the family. They will shower the parents or siblings with compliments, gifts, and will offer to help one way or another. "Let me take the kids off your hands for a couple of hours, you look exhausted." or "I will babysit the kids, you guys go and watch that movie!" They very often have a strong place in the community: a teacher, a priest, a sport coach. The list is endless. These individuals are quite clever in seething through the crowd for the most vulnerable targets: a struggling single parent or a dysfunctional family unit.
Someone who is loved and respected within the community, who is being accused of sexual abuse will very often have strong supporters: "He isn't that kind of man! He loves children/ helps the community.." The victims will be accused of lying, of seeking attention or money, traumatising them further.
When the abuser is within a family , this person will charm and manipulate/ control his own family in order to getting away with sexual abuse. If confronted by a partner, accusations such as: "You are imagining things! How dare you accusing me of such things? You are mental." and the child is also blamed: "She is lying! She misunderstood: it was just a hug!" or "He has issues and has always been a difficult child!" When there is sexual abuse within a family there is very often emotional and psychological abuse, which stops the child and/ or the other family members to see clearly what is happening and to seek for help.
With the advance of the web comes another opportunity for perpetrators to groom young children. It is therefore very important to educate ourselves about Online abuse/ Online Grooming. Here is what NSPCC says about it:
"Children and young people can also be groomed online: perpetrators may use online platforms to build a trusting relationship with the child in order to abuse them. This abuse may happen online or the perpetrator may arrange to meet the child in person with the intention of abusing them." ** Click on the link below for their in depth research and resources.
Sylvie
Resources:
**
https://learning.nspcc.org.uk/child-abuse-and-neglect/online-abuse/
You can also read:
http://www.winterturnsintospring.co.uk/Child-Sexual-Abuse-and-incest-the-myths-and-the-facts
What is it Life Coaching? What isn't Life Coaching?
It is a
partnership between a Life Coach and a client.
The coach facilitates a safe space and creates a positive rapport in order for the client to identify the inner blocks to their goals, hindering their happiness. Life Coaching helps the client to identify their own goals, to find their own solutions and achieve personal growth and transformation.
Life Coaching isn’t therapy. Although we acknowledge most inner blocks have their roots in the client’s past, we don’t dwell deep on it (this is best done in a therapeutic setting), but, with the client’s permission, we can explore how the "Then and There" affects the "Here and Now", and how the client can move forward, with Self-Compassion.
If I feel a client could benefit from ongoing therapy, I will advise they do so.
My approach is trauma informed. What is trauma? What does "Trauma Informed" means and how does it fit in with Life Coaching?
Trauma is the impact any significant event that has a lasting adverse effect on an individual’s happiness and well-being. The earlier and the longer lasting the stressful event in an individual’s life, the deeper the debilitating effect on a person’s happiness and well-being are.
“Trauma-informed coaching happens when the coach understands what trauma is, how it presents in the coaching room and how to respond. All this, within established coaching boundaries and contracts.”
Julia Vaughan Smith –
Coaching and Trauma
I have personal and professional experience of trauma and have a real understanding of its impact on mind, body and spirit.
What is Self-Compassion?
Self-compassion is extending compassion to oneself in instances of perceived inadequacy, failure, or general suffering.
Dr Kristin Neff,
PhD, has pioneered and defines self-compassion as being composed of three main components –
mindfulness, common humanity, and self-kindness.
Self-compassion is facing our deepest fears, outdated self-beliefs and our perceived inadequacies with loving kindness towards oneself, by learning to take the time to acknowledge when we are hurting (Mindfulness) , by reminding ourselves how suffering is part of the our human experience and we all experience it (to some degree), we aren’t as alone as we think we are (common Humanity ) and, finally, by taking time to sooth and to love ourselves though our pain as we would with a dear friend of ours (Self-Kindness).
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How does Self-Compassion and Trauma Informed Coaching work?
Oftentimes, our deepest fears, outdated self-beliefs and perceived inadequacies, are the very things blocking us from creating a happy, fulfilled life, and building happy relationships, tailored to our needs and aspirations.
These blocks have roots in our past, whether we are aware of this or not, and will impact our thoughts, feeling and our behaviour as well as on how we perceive ourselves and the world around us. The more severe a past trauma, such as Child Sexual Abuse, the stronger the blocks, which are survival/ defence mechanisms created in childhood in order to survive extreme violence and neglect.
They are also natural responses to abuse and neglect,
when the child really has no one to turn to.
In Coaching, there is an opportunity for the client to explore how the past has an impact on the present and focus on what the client can achieve NOW by becoming their own best friend through anything life throws at them and by having compassion for what they have been through. I will provide the space, the support and some tools (such as reading materials, meditations practice etc...), when necessary, to support clients on their journey.
The coaching process will be led by the client. It will be tailored to the client’s needs, with the client’s approval.
The coaching will be most effective if the client is willing and ready to commit
100% to their journey of self-discovery and healing. During Trauma Informed and Self- Compassion based Life Coaching sessions, the client will learn to approach their biggest blocks and find their inner resources of loving kindness and compassion towards themselves.
Contact Me
Notice Board
Zoom or Teams
For those who would prefer to have their Life Coaching sessions, remotely, I use Zoom and Microsoft Team.
Venues for face-to-face sessions
TBC
Life Coaching sessions available from January 2023
My Fees
- 30 Minutes Skype/ Zoom or phone
assessment:
FREE
-
Full price
-
£80. (8 to 10 sessions
in total.)
-Concession prices: £60 (8 to 10 sessions in total.)
If you are experiencing financial hardship, such as unemployment or long-term disability, I offer limited places on concession fees. Please, contact me to discuss.
All payments via bank transfer.
