Winter Turns into Spring - The Blog

In the final instalment of " Feeling And Grieving Our Losses" , I share what it is like for me to face my deepest fears and doubts as I try and create a professional life best suited to my mental and physical needs. As a survivor of incest, physical and emotional abuse, my self esteem, my soul, my dreams and goals have been shattered. How can I go beyond the lies I was told as a child and I move forward, one step at the time?

Last December, I contacted a Life Coach. the lovely Assunta, and, soon after, we meet for our first session. I thought Assunta would help me to re-do my CV and apply for a couple of writing competitions I wanted to enter. I wanted 2019 to be the year I get published and paid for my work and I knew I needed a gentle push to get over my doubts and my fears.

My first job was in a factory, back home in France, I was 18 years old, the money enabled me to be independent during the following school year. I went back to the factory the next summer too, before I left for the UK. I Was a young 19 years old and my first job in the UK was cleaning a hostel. A few months later, I was behind a bar and will be working in different pubs and restaurants for the next 6 years, until I was 9 months pregnant.

I never wanted to work in bars for the rest of my life. On the side, I was studying "Spiritual Healing", I completed an Holistic Massage Diploma. I have always wanted to help others. When my daughter was young, I started a NVQ in Childcare but had to leave as I was moving into a women's refuge. My priority then was to get re-housed.

As soon as my child was in part time nursery, I volunteered, trained and enrolled in an employment program too. I was busy, running around, determined to find a job to support myself and my daughter. My actions were driven by the fear of becoming homeless once more. I finally got a job as an Project Assistant Trainee for a homeless organisation. It was a 10 months contract. I loved the job and was good at it. I was determined to get a permanent position afterwards. However, because of my mental health, I had to take a couple of sick leave. The only way for me to go back to work was to pull myself together and to carry on. When my contract ended, the organisation wasn't able to give me a permanent job that could fit around child care. I wasn't able to secure a permanent position in another project either and got a year training with another homeless organisation. Unfortunately, I wasn't financially better off, I lost all my savings and my depression was overwhelming. The stress of running back and forth to the childminder then to work, as well as dealing with past trauma on a daily basis made me very sick. I also realised it wasn't that I didn't want to work but I just couldn't anymore. I decided I needed to quit. I felt guilty and worthless. I also felt ashamed for being mentally ill and not being able to work like a normal person.

I have since volunteered in various local charities. However, after a month or two, the disturbed nights, the flashbacks and my anxiety would take over and I would not come back. When I am unwell, it takes all the little energy I have left to take care of myself. Everything else gets pushed away. Some would applaud me for taking good care of myself but, unfortunately, we are living in a society giving the message that being jobless equals being worthless. We are not really allowed to be physically or mentally ill, are we? We are told we are lazy and need to try harder. Between my own inner fight to create a working life that suits my mental and physical needs, and the way disabled people are being bullied by those in authority (here in the UK), it is hard not to feel shit about myself sometimes. I am sure I am not the only one.

I admired a couple of my friends who were also struggling with trauma on a daily basis but their way of dealing with it all was to throw themselves in their work. Yes, work, for them was the escape, yes, it isn't healthy either... I knew they were in as much emotional pain as I was but, at least, they didn't also struggled financially too, on top of everything else! I had to remind myself many time that their journey were theirs and mine was different.

Many things came up during my six coaching sessions. Some were new, some were things I needed to re-visit to better feel them. I got to know my "Inner Critic", this inner voice telling me how useless, lazy and stupid I am, so why am I trying to achieve anything: it will never amount to anything. Of course, this Inner Critic is a reflection of my Mother: their messages are the same. My mother was very unhappy and did everything she possibly could so I would be unhappy too. So, I told this Inner Critic that she had fun making me miserable and making sure I feel shit about myself for too long now and I will no longer pay attention to her lies. It worked: I worked hard to send those two entries without listening to her. Well, not too much anyway! It was such a great achievement for me!

Then, I decided to work more on my book. My doubts and fears came up to: Where is the point of even trying to pursuit my goals and dreams? I will never succeed. I also felt like no matter I do, it makes no difference anyway! As a teenager, no matter how hard I tried to do as I was told, I still ended up being mocked and punished. It was never good enough. Throughout the years, I have tried different paths of work but none of my effort and passion got me anywhere. I ended up being paralyzed with fear of even trying! This is pretty much how I felt as a child: paralyzed of doing anything because I would be punished and abused anyway.

I also met my "Inner Mentor", who is me but 20 years from now. If you ever watched Grace & Frankie, she looks a lot like Frankie! I can visit her anytime I want and ask for her advice. "Keep going and pushing forwards despite your fears and doubts. What kept me going all these years are love and the amazing people I have met along the way. " Indeed, there was a shift: I started to write for the local newspapers. I used all my tools and kept going amidst the fears and the doubts. The interview, the research and the writing were all fun. I had a story and a pitch. Well done me!

The newspapers I got in touch with didn't want my story or didn't want to pay me for it. I put my foot down and decided I needed to get paid for my work! It makes sense, doesn't it? My friends were proud of me. I was proud of me. Again, I felt I had to do so much to prove myself. I found out I no longer wanted to prove myself ! "As usual, people don't see me, they aren't interested in anything I do." At home, I was never seen nor heard. My hard work went unnoticed.

Another wave of emotions overwhelmed me. This thought: "No matter I do, it makes no difference anyway." came right back and slapped me hard on the face. I felt so very sad and scared of never being able to change the situation (improve my life). I felt stuck. It occurred to me this is how I felt growing up at home. As a child completely dependent on an abusive mother, I had nowhere to go to and there was nothing I could do to get out. I was experiencing emotional flashbacks. ( Emotional flashbacks are experienced when something in the present trigger feelings from the past. )

Something else came up: here I was working hard on this story, doing something I am passionate about and somehow, I felt like a bad girl for doing something I enjoy! I was sure I was going to get caught! You see, I wasn't allowed to do things I enjoyed as a child. Anything I wanted ( or needed ) was denied to me.

With everything coming up in the world regarding Child Sexual Abuse (#MuteRKelly and #LeavingNeverland,) I started to feel restless: I wish I could do more. I had to remind myself that focusing on my recovery and on what I am already doing, as a woman, as a mother, as a friend, as a volunteer, as a writer and activist, was enough! If I really want to do more, I first need to give 100% of myself where I am right now! It really is about me recognising the value of my daily actions which are, in fact very important. If I see myself people might see me too.

To read the first six Feeling And Grieving Our Losses instalments, please click on the links below :
Grief
The Unloving Mother
The Absent Father
The Dysfunctional Family
Unhealthy Relationships
Sex and Our Bodies

Also, if you are looking for a coach, I highly recommend Assunta Cucca. Here is a link to her website: www.kokoroconsultancy.co.uk

Sylvie

Copyright - Sylvie Rouhani - 2019 All Rights Reserved.